Live Through the Pain - Kagehina Angst

Chapter nineteen - Love

Hinata POV

I was too tired, too tired to argue as Kageyama held me up, helping me walk towards the club room, where our things were. I was an idiot.

What a waste...you worked so hard..and now it's useless.
You're useless. You let him find out.
That mask. You worked so hard on it. Worked so hard so that it wouldn't slip....how much of a failure can you be?

Please stop....

He knows. He knows something's wrong. It's too late....you let it slip...It doesn't matter how much pain you were in. The fact of the matter is that you let your mask break. You let your facade fall away.

Stop! I'm begging you....

I remember what Kageyama had said, the words ringing in my head.

"Look, I don't know what's going on...But I know one thing. I'n not going to let you fall okay? I never will. I swear on my life. That's a promise. I'll never let you fall. I'll never let you go. I'm going to hold on to you forever. I swear. I'm never going to let you go. You mean too much to me. I promise. I'll never let you go, as long as I'm alive."

"Because I love you."

He's lying.

No he's not!

You know he is. Stop trying to pretend that you are worth anything. Stop pretending that people care about your existance. Stop pretending that people can love you. That Kageyama can love you. That he does love you.
It's not possible. It's just not possible.

The only thing you can pretend is real is your own sanity. You were only good at one thing. But you screwed up. You screwed up. You're a screw up.
Waste of space.
You're unloveable.
Worthless.
Kageyama doesn't love you.
He can't.
No one can.

Please...I'm begging you...stop. Stop! I...I can't take it anymore! I cant...I just cant....

"Because I love you."

"I love you."

I love you too. Too? No. Its just 'I love you'. That's just the way it is.

I love you. I love you more then I can say. I love you so much it's tearing me apart inside. I don't know what to do. I don't know...
Would you show me the way?
Do you think...you could save me?
From myself?
Am I worth your time?
Am I worth anything?

I'm not.
I know that.
But...do you think...maybe...
You could prove me wrong?

No. No you can't. Because....it's impossible.

And...even if you could...you wouldn't would you?
No you wouldn't.

You don't love me.
You can't.
Because I'm unloveable.

As we walked down the road towards the station where we could take a bus to my house, I inhaled the cool wind. Despite my tormented mind, a small sense of peacefulness seeped into my bones.
I was walking on my own now, hand in hand with Kageyama. Our fingers were intertwined, his warm hand gripping mine in a firm but gentle hold.

I had left my bike at school, much like before, hoping to get it tomorrow at practice. Kageyama and I had decided to have him stay the night at my place again.
Needless to say, I was happy. Not to mention content.

As we walked at a leasurely pace, (Kageyama made sure to let me walk as slow as I needed) he began to speak.

"Hey Hinata,"
"Hmm?"
"Do I say it enough?"
"What?"
"That I love you."

I stopped.

"What?"

Kageyama sighed.
"I...I've always had a hard time expressing my feelings and emotions. I feel...I feel like I should tell you more. That I love you. When I said it earlier...I got the feeling that you didn't beleive me....that's why I'm asking. Do I say it enough? Do I remind you often? Do you forget it quickly or does it stay with you? Do you love me too? If you do or you don't, are you scared to say it? Do you remember what I say? It's okay if you dont. Because...I'll say it as many times as you need me to. I'll say it a thousand times and more. Just tell me the truth."

I was stunned.

"I remember..." I said quietly.
"I remember every time. Those words mean more to me then I can imagine...so It's okay. Just say it when you want to." You don't have to lie. "And...the truth is...Yeah. I'm scared. I'm worried that you'll get scared. Scared of how much I love you. Because, I love you. I love you so much. You have no idea. And I know this may sound stupid, but I promise it's the truth."

What the hell am I saying? Sure...it's all true. But I shouldn't be telling him these things. What if he get's scared?! What if...he tells me that he hates me..
I wouldn't be able to handle that...
The thread would snap.
And I would fall....

Then he smiled.
Different then before. It was one of his exclusive smiles. The ones pretty much no one got to see. His smile radiated warmth and love. It was precious. I treasured that smile. I treasured it more then I could say. It was like if that smile broke, my heart would shatter along with it. If that smile faded away, so would mine. The only reason I was able to smile at all, was because of him. Because of his priceless smile. I could smile, because he smiled. I could smile, because of him.

Kageyama.
My boyfriend.
Kageyama.
I love you.
I love you so much...

Please don't dissapear...
Don't dissapear with that brightning smile...

If you go away...
I won't know what to do with myself....

And just like that, my feet began to move.

I crashed into him, my face buried in his chest.
I felt his strong arms wrap around me securly.
His heartbeat resounded in my ears.

"I love you.." He whispered in my ear.
"I love you too.." I said into his chest, my voice muffled.

"Hey look at me." He said softly.
I looked up at his beautiful smile.

He leaned down and pressed his lips to mine.

Happiness flooded throughout my veins.

Soft and sweet, just as always.

My eyes were closed and in the moment, I wished this could last forever.
That he would never let go of me.
That I could stay with him, wrapped in his arms, listening to his heartbeat, feeling the warmth and love radiating off of him in waves of joy, for an eternity.

"I'll never let you go. As long as I'm alive."

And as he kissed me, as the last traces of light and the last wisps of color faded away past the horizon, as he held me in his embrace,
For a single, small, moment, I believed his words, as the stars emerged, beyond the sky.

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(A/N sorry for the short chapter! Hope you guys liked it tho!:))

1173 words (including A/N)