Live Through the Pain - Kagehina Angst

Chapter twenty six - Letters

Kageyama POV

The sun was beginning to show it's face from beyond the horizon, the light tinting and blending the sky with pale pink. I was exhausted, but I didn't stop what I was doing. I sighed as I signed my name at the bottom of the page, and folded it, setting it aside.
I had been up all night, spilling my unspoken words in thin, curvy hanwriting. I poured my soul into those words. Into those sentances. Into the paragraphs, that he might never read. It was....theraputic. I had never imagined something so mentally taxing to be so, but it was.
Writing letters. In the little freetime I had, I wrote letters. To him. Letters that he would never read.
I had never even thought of something as boring as writing to be helpful in any context, clearly I had been wrong.

There were things I could never bring myself to say out loud. Things that I couldn't even tell Hinata....
I was afraid...I was afraid that my thoughts only existed in my head....if that made any sense. Sort of like when you see something amazing and when you tell people about it no one beleives you. You should be happy knowing it was true....except for some reason...you start thinking it was fake as well. I suppose that wasn't the best analogy, since that was a very unlikely occurence....still. I was scared that there was no existence of my emotions and thoughts. The only time someone might have been able to guess that I was an actual human being with emotions and expressions was when I was with Hinata, alone in the hospital room. And the words I spoke and the tears I cried only seemed to exist in that white atmosphere. I needed some type of physical evidence that my thoughts and emotions were real. That I wasn't lying to myself as well as everyone else.

Jeez...I can't even trust myself now....

So I wrote. Dozens upon dozens of letters to him. Nothig fancy. Just writing my thoughts down. Sometimes the letters were short, consisting nothing more then a paragraph. It depended. The most painful times were, when I would lose myself in the words. I would even forget what I was talking about....and my hand would move on its own. It was strangly....
...chilling.

Every now and then, I would read snippits of the letters, to regain emotion in mt heart.

October 26th,

Hey Hinata, it's been roughly a week since it happened. The doctors say that...you might never wake up again....but I refuse to beleive that. You're strong. I beleive in you. I think something's...wrong with me. Today, my voice seemed to dissapear. Well sort of. Today, my mom asked me if I was okay and told me she was worried about me...and I just...didn't respond. Part of me thought "Who cares. It doesn't really matter. She's worried about me....so what? It doesn't matter what she thinks." I managed to snap out of it, and I replied after that. But still...it was...weird. Part of me still won't accept what happened.
Anyway, that's about it.
Kageyama.

October 27th,

Hey Hinata, today was difficult. I fell apart in class today. Somethings definitly wrong with me. I can't....seem to...feel. In the middle of class, I had a bit of an anxiety attack. And I realized, I think....I blame myself. I don't exactly understand. I mean I understand that it was my fault. But it's like...there's a voice....It's whispering. And it's screaming. I don't understand....and that bothers me....Am I losing it? Do you think I'm going insane? Maybe....I don't know....I don't know what to do.
It hurts.
Kageyama.

November 5th,

Hey Hinata....I think I'm going insane. I can't talk anymore....I can barely breathe. My family took me to a resteraunt to try and cheer me up. Do you rememeber getting coffee? That was nice.....Can you beleive how happy we were? Well...how happy I was...You weren't happy were you....You weren't. And I knew that. I knew that and I didn't do anything. Hey I keep thinking....why didn't you run? You had time right? Or...maybe you didn't....It's pretty fuzzy. Hey....I'm talking to you aren't I? Why won't you respond? Why aren't you responding? Are you upset with me? Did I do something wrong? I'm sorry....Wait....Are you there? I think....wait...You...you're gone. You aren't really there. Were you ever really there? What am I even saying....just spouting nonesense as always.
I'm sorry about that.
Kageyama.

November 11th,

Hey Hinata....I can't feel. I can't feel and it's killing me. I don't know what to do!.....I can't feel anything. Today, my mom began crying. She cried so much. She wants me back. She wants her son back. I'm not her son. Not anymore. What happened to me? I can't really remember....Hey Hinata...do you remmeber how to smile? I tried today. I don't think it worked. I was going through my phone today. I found....I found the photo. You know, the one we took with the rainbow? I had to change my wallapaper.....so I hadn't send it in a while. I changed it back tho!....it was painful....but I think I should keep it. We look so happy. I look so happy. I wonder....if I can be like that again. The thing is....I don't want to be like that. Because, It wouldn't be real. It wouldnt be real without you. I don't think....I can be happy without you. I'm really scared. I'm really scared and I don't know who to go to.....The weathers getting colder.....It feels weird. Things are changing. I hate it. But even despite the weather....time sort of seems...to stop. It's like I'm stuck in a loop. I'm not sure I hate it all that much.
Kageyama.

November 24th,

Hey Hinata....everyone's falling apart. Please...Please come back. I'm begging you. Just come back. This just.....its too much. I punched someone today. Someone asked me out. They said because I wasn't with you they thought I was single. When I asked them why they thought I wasn't your boyfriend anymore, they said that you were practically dead. I punched them. I got suspended. I don't care. Still...some sick part of me, is happy. I managed to feel something. Anger. I was rediculously angry at their words.
For a small moment, I managed to feel something.
Kageyama.

December 9th,

Hey Hinata...I'm losing hope.....They moved you to your home. The doctors said that they needed to make space for patients who needed it. What they really were saying was that they needed to make space for people who actually had a chance....Hinata I can't feel any pain. My entire body's...going numb. I saw Natsu today. I think....I think she's doing better. She still won't speak, but she managed a small smile. I'm proud of her. I'm really proud of her. I know....I know that you are too right? Of course you are....Hey...do you remember ditching school? And star gazing? Do you...do you remember getting coffee and binging anime? Do you remmeber...what it was like to be happy?
Because...I can't anymore.
Kageyama.

December 22nd,

Hey Hinata....today was my birthday. Funnily enough, today is the day that I realized something. Is there...any point in living? I don't know....I try not to think of that. Also....I did something. Something bad. I....I cut myself. I'm sorry....I just...I just needed to FEEL something...I wanted to feel again...I...I don't think I'll be able to stop.....I don't know. It felt....scarily...soothing. I was able to feel something. It was a reminder....a reminder that I was human.....I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. Hey....I rememeber....that's what you said. Sorry...that's what you said. Why were you apologizing? I have a feeling....but I really hope I'm wrong. You know...I already told you all this. I told you this today. I wonder...can you hear me? And if you can, then if you wake up will you remmeber my words? Part of me hopes that you will, and part of me hopes you won't.
Anyway....bye.
Kageyama.

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March 16th

Hey Hinata....the last few months have been hell. Although you know that. I've written so many letters that my desk would be covored if I kept them there. The cherry blossoms will bloom soon, I really wish that I could see them with you. Or see them at all. You see....I'm thinking....of killing myself. I don't know if this qualifies as a suicide note, seeing as I don't know when or how I'm going to do it. I can't help but feel....that I'm being so dramatic. I am aren't I. One small slip in life, and suddenly I want to off myself. I'm so...I'm so weak. Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I should try to live through this pain. I don't know. But if you wake up, and I'm gone, then hopefully, you'll find this. I love you. I really love you. It's like, I love you so much that my heart can't take it anymore. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
I just...can't take it anymore.
I can't take this emptyness anymore.
I just...want to....feel again.
I love you.
Kageyama

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(A/N I'M SORRY FOR THE BORING CHAPTER! AND I'M SORRY IF IT'S A BIT UNREALISTIC! BUT I TRIED OKAY?! PLEASE STICK WITH THIS FANFIC A BIT LONGER I SWEAR IT'S GONNA GET BETTER! But Hey? TWO CHAPTERS In the span of like SEVE HOURS! That's somthing right? Anway love yall <3)

1655 words (including A/N)