Pieces of Me

Chapter Thirty Nine

Logan

Her light snores fill the quiet air. She stirs, snuggling further into me, her head heavy on my chest. But it's a nice heavy. The kind of heavy which tells me she's deep in sleep. Her body is slack and trusting in my arms. It's something I don't take lightly.

She knows now. About me. My past. She knows, and yet she's still here. She hadn't looked at me with pity in her beautiful, brown eyes like I'd dreaded .. like I'd expected.
The first girl I ever told she was Sarah. We were 12. Sarah didn't believed me, and she told her dad what the lying, blonde haired boy who swore too much, had said.
Her dad, Duke, was my dad's friend. Someone who visited his church weekly. Someone who felt bad for my father, with his devil child.
I couldn't sit down for weeks and Sarah, whenever she'd see me across the playground, would turn away.

Last night, after I'd muttered the first few words to Ally, I couldn't hold back anymore. I told her almost everything. Almost. Maybe I shouldn't have? I can feel the anxiety and anger fight against each other inside my chest. It's heavier than her head against me could ever be.

Both her and my story swirl around inside my mind. She was so open,  so unabridged with me, that I had wanted to be completely candid with her. And I had. And now here we are, her breath tickling the skin on my chest.

Suddenly, my phone vibrates loudly on the side table next to me. I grab it quickly so it doesn't wake the beautiful girl asleep in my arms.

My eyes squint to read the bright light. Cathy's name is big and bold on my screen.

"Hey sis," I whisper, looking down at Ally who is now snoring. How does such a manly noise come from such a girl? I love it.

I zone back in, trying to focus in my semi groggy state. Cathy's words come out jumbled and rushed. Words colliding. Sometimes mixing. My heart begins to speed up.

"Okay, okay . Slow down. I can't understand you," my voice is low, and I try to hold my anger back.

Amongst all the colliding words, there's two words I understand.

"Please come."

————

I pull into the driveway of my childhood house too fast. The car loses traction slightly, before I adjust and slam to a halt.

Cathy runs out to me immediately. She's wearing a white dress with little flowers on it, daises I think. It's a signature "church" dress. I throw open the car door and propel towards her as fast as my legs will take me considering they feel like jelly. Meeting her halfway - I grab her, holding her an arms length away as I examine her. She seems okay. Unhurt.
Looking to her face I see her smile falters as she sees my expression. 

"Jesus Cathy, you scared me. You can't do that. Okay." I shake her slightly. My heart feels as if it is going to jump from my chest.

She winces, whether at my use of "Jesus" or the absolute fear in my face, I'm unsure. Her blue eyes look back at me - large and innocent.

"I'm sorry Lo, I just wanted to see you. I wanted to show you my report card I got and..."

"Hello Logan."

His cold, deep authoritative voice cuts through the air like a knife.

I stand, squaring my shoulders. Matching his aggressive stance. I note that there's more grey in his hair since I last saw him. And there seems to be more wrinkles around his pale blue eyes. The old bastard isn't ageing well.
Me being the shitty person I am, enjoys this.

David takes me in, looking me up down and his eyes narrow slightly. It's only now that I realise my shirt, in my haste to get to Cathy, is inside out. I probably look as shit as I think he does. Cathy might not notice, but I know he does. I scream sex. Premarital sex.

"Yea yea, God condemns me. I get it. I'm cool with it," I mutter.

His nostril flairs at my passé comment towards his religious beliefs.
Yet Cathy snuggles further into my chest, it'sas if she's trying to escape this situation. I don't blame her, I'm not fond of this old song and dance either. I lay a soft, barely there, kiss on her head.

"Catherine, go inside."

Her body tenses at his command, and she hesitates. Her body stilling. I know her and I know she's trying to weigh the pros and cons in her mind.
The vein in my head, it pulses. Her young, teenage brain should not be having to deal with this.
She's not ever seen anything, between David and I - not that I'm aware of anyway. And I've made it my mission for her not to. But she senses things. Thing big, bad.. often blue. Because those bruises take a second, but they last a week. 

She's not stupid.  

My shirt tightens as her little fist clutches at me tighter.

I tear my eyes from her and look up to him, right into the eyes of a weak man. It's funny, in a way that is not humorous in the slightest, they always have been been shallow and I find it ironic that he has such a strong belief in something so intangible, but hitting his only son is fathomable.

If there is a God I don't know if he'd approve.

I give a small nod to Cathy, and she lets go of my shirt. Apprehensively she begins to walk towards the heavy wooden front door, turning back once. Her little mouth is turned down. I nod and my lips lift up into what I'm sure is an unconvincing smile.

The door clicks as it shuts, shielding her from us, the noise, it seems to echo in my ears. I count in my head ... 1,2,3,4,5 .
I count so I know she's far enough away from the door so I can do what I am about to do.

"I'm not 11 anymore... dad. You can't belt the shit out of me, and have me just take it. Not anymore."

As I say my part Ally's words run through my mind..
"You think that you're not worth it, that your pain is irrelevant. But it's relevant to me."

I think back to the first time he struck me.
It wasn't that first hit, it was the third. That is the welt that will last a lifetime. The first two were done out of anger - the third was because he wanted to.

I'm so caught up in my thoughts I don't realise he's lifted his fist. He strikes me before I'm ready. Normally he taunts me first, gets in a few verbal jabs. The unexpected blow to my stomach causes me to kneel over, wheezing for breath.
He's not a big guy, medium build. But the "pure" life means he is fit and healthy.
University me isn't up to par. Too much beer, too many takeaways. But my anger, today, it overrides his.

I rise from my hunched over state. My eyes meeting his.

He just doesn't know it yet.