He Was Mine, I Was His

Well, Maybe Not

    I spent most of the week visiting with my brother and hanging out with friends. Charlie was getting better. His hearing still hadn't returned but they made him a hearing aid that helped him. Of course he hated it but I knew he much rather be able to hear than not. 

    Ponyboy and I went to church together on Sunday after Christmas. He was the only one that wanted to go with me. He said he tried to get everyone to go once and it didn't turn out well. Ponyboy just so happened to choose the church that Cherry went to. They kept making eye contact with each other until I finally said something. 

    "When are you two going to make it official?" I asked. 

    "I don't know," he replied. "We both like each other. I met her parents. They don't hate me. I think I'm just scared to be a target of Bob's again."

    "You can't worry about him if you're genuinely happy with her. You have Sodapop and Darry. Even Dally. You'll be okay. Just don't let someone like him stop you from being happy."

    "I know. I know. I'll do something about it."

    The lady in front of us gave us a dirty look so that conversation ended. The rest of the week was really nice. We were all preparing for New Year's. I always felt so refreshed when New Year's came. It was like a fresh start. 

    The day before New Year's Eve, I decided to go see Sodapop. He was at the garage working on a car Steve picked up. When I walked up, they had the hood up, both leaning over the engine. I stood in the doorway, admiring Soda. 

    "How are you and Marilyn doing?" Steve had asked as I walked up. They hadn't noticed me. I stayed quiet, curious to what they were going to say about me. 

    "We're doing really good," Soda replied. I smiled. 

    "Ya know, I am really surprised you two are still together. I thought you were just gonna use her as a pick-me-up after Sandy," Steve laughed. My face dropped. He couldn't have said that. Was that true? Was I just a pick-me-up?

    "I know man," Soda started. "It may have been like that at first-" After that I tuned him out. It hurt. I don't know why it hurt so much but Steve's words hurt. Steve looked up and his face dropped too. He hit Soda and pointed to me. 

    "Marilyn?" Soda asked. "What are you doing here?"

    I turned around and started walking towards my car. I didn't want to have to have this talk. We weren't supposed to have one of these talks. We were supposed to love each other but after that, it all sounded one-sided. 

    "Marilyn wait!" Soda said, chasing after me. I kept walking. I got to my car door when he stopped me. "Where are you going?"

    "Home," I said blankly.

    "He didn't mean that," Soda started. I cut him off. 

    "He didn't mean it? Which part? That he is surprised we are still together or the part where you are using me as your pick-me-up?" He was quiet, as if he was trying to figure out what to say. He shouldn't have even had to think about it. "You know what. Here. Find yourself a new pick-me-up." 

    I took off the ring and put it in his hand. The tears stung my eyes as I got into my car. Soda was yelling for me to come back but I couldn't. I wanted to so bad but I couldn't. I wanted to turn around and have him tell me it was all a joke but I couldn't because I knew it wasn't. 

    I drove home. When I got there, I ran straight to my room. I locked the door, sat on my bed, and cried. Just a few days ago, I was so much to him. Now I felt like I was nothing. I felt used. I felt hurt. 

    There was a knock on the door, "Marilyn? Are you okay?" It was Elizabeth. I got up and unlocked the door. She noticed the tears in my eyes. "What's the matter?"

    "Sodapop," I cried. "Steve said he was just using me to get over Sandy."

    Elizabeth sighed, "I'm so sorry Marilyn. Did you talk to him about it?"

    "No. I don't want to."

    "You have to. You don't have to tonight if you don't want to but you need to do it at some point. You know how reliable Steve's information is."

    "Steve is his best friend. Why would he lie about something like that? Either way, Soda kind of admitted to it."

    "He did?" Elizabeth asked, shocked.

    I thought back. "It may have been like that at first.." He wasn't denying it. Wouldn't you want to deny something like that if it wasn't true? I looked up and saw Soda standing on the porch about to knock. He made eye contact with me and motioned for me to come outside. I walked outside and stood in front of him, folding my arms. 

    "I know what Steve said sounded wrong. I wasn't using you. I just thought you would be able to help me until I was over Sandy," he explained.

    I scoffed, "You're kidding right? Until you are over Sandy? And then what? Once you are you're just going to break up with me?" 

    "No, that's not what I meant. You know that," he started to get angry. "I'm over her. I don't want her. I want you."

    "You're still not over her though. Are you?"

    He was quiet again. He wasn't over her. All this time. All this "love" we had given each other and he still wanted her. Was I ever going to be good enough for him? What if I wasn't? He still didn't say anything.

    "I can't be with someone who doesn't want to be with me and only me," I said, my voice quivering. I started to walk back in the house. 

    "I do want to be with you!" Soda yelled. It was a desperate yell, not an angry one, but it still made me jump. I looked back at him. 

    "Not as much as you want to be with her." I walked back in the house and straight to my bedroom.

    I cried again. Over two months. He still wasn't over her. Maybe he did want me more than her but if she were to have come back, I wouldn't want him to even have to think about which one he would choose. That just wasn't the case.

    "Here," Elizabeth said as she walked into my room. She had two glasses of wine. She held one out to me and I raised my eyebrow at her. "Take it while you can. This may be the last time I will ever give you alcohol."

    I took it, "Thank you."

    "Heartbreaks are the only pain you're allowed to get drunk over."