My Love

Tutors and Hospital Visits

The next few weeks I was a mess I couldn't do anything my tutor told me to. He would have to call in Maria to get me to focus. When he was there Payton would be by herself thinking God knows what, that worried me the most. Once a day I would think she called my name but she didn't, the eventually had to bring Logan in to help me focus better. One day I finally got a hold of myself and wasn't such a fucking mess.

"Payton are you going to be okay down here?" She nodded her head, "yeah I'll be fine. Go to your tutoring and please focus on this school bullshit you have to learn." Today was my last day of tutoring and I still have one week left on break, we had gotten an extar week due to horrible weather. I walked up the stairs to my room and finally concentrated on my work when I heard Payton scream my name, thinking it was one of my many moments I just brushed it off. "Aren't you going to go check on her?"He said somewhat scared and panicked. I looked at him, "no, not today she's fine I made sure." He looked at me, "Addison she called your name you need to go check on her now." As he finished his sentence I felt my eyes widden, I got up and ran down the stairs, "Payton where are you!" She wasn't on the couch where I left her she wasn't anywhere, I noticed a light coming from the bathroom.

I walked towrads the door and slowly pushed it open, I saw Payton sitting on the bathroom floor with a blade by her side. The blade had been mine for awhile and I just left it in a bag, in a box, on the top shelf of my closet when I first moved in awhile back. "Payton honey, are you okay." Her humming quickly stopped, "I'm fine go back to tutoring please." She began humming again, "one for the wrong, one for the wronged, one for this horrible little song, one for my failures, please little blade take away all my pain." I walked in to the restroom and sat on the floor across from her she didn't even look at me, I took the blade from her cold and bloody hands. She finally looked up at me, her face way red and her eyes were as well. She looked like she had been crying. She looked at her wristed and I reached up to grab a towel and wrapped her arms and helped her up, "come on hun let's go" I had her sit on the couch and told her to stay there. I ran up to my room and told my tutor I would be right back and I had to go to the hostpial and it was important he just nodded. I grabbed my phone and called Anna as I got Payton to the car. "Anna meet me at the hospital." I heard her say something but I couldn't answer.

When I finally got to the hospital Payton kept talking saying, "I took to many I'm not going to make it am I?" I looked at her, 'took to many what." She cried and I could barely understand what she was saying, "y-your p-pills." I saw Anna in my rearview mirror, she ran to Payton's side and Quinn was with her, Quinn picked up Payton and I ran into the hospital, "help help my girlfriend help please." Nurses ran my way and I told them that she took some of my pills but my words got all mixed up and when I began crying it got worse. Anna and Quinn walked in with a slowly fading away Payton. I pointed at Paton and then went to get her. I tried to get up and go with her but I could barley stand. Anna sat on the floor next to and Quinn ran by Payton's side all the way to the double doors where told told her she couldn't go any further.

I had to go home because of the tutor but I didn't want to leave Quinn had to carry me out and take me home. I took the last of the notes and was back at the hospital in the next hour. The waiting was the hardest part, Maria came and I put my head on her shoulder. Logan came in and hugged me while I cried. The nuses came and said, "family of Payton Madison." I stood up, the nurse walked towards me. "You're her girlfriend right." Logan stood up next to me, "she's my girlfriend." The nurse looked suprised, "Oh well, it's to early to be sure but she's doing somewhat okay. I can't tell you for sure if she'll make it the doctor said she took quite a lot of pills." I looked down at my feet, "oh okay can I see her." The nurse nodded her head and took me to Payton's room, "she's probably going to be asleep when you get there so if ask her something she won't answer"

I sat down in the chair next to her bed and cried, " I just want you to be okay. Please you told me you wouldn't leave me please don't leave me Payton." I grabbed her cold white hand and cried even more. "No Addison p-please d-don't cry." I looked at her and she put her hand on my face, " I won't leave I promise. I love you Addie." I looked at her, "I love you, too"

I sat by the side of her bed as she went back to sleep, once she closed her eyes I just hoped to Ray Toro's guitar that she would be okay.

*****

I only got about 30 minutes if sleep and I wouldn't let go of her hand, Logan wasn't allowed in the room. Only Anna, Quinn and I were, Logan left after he realized that I wasn't leaving. In the middle of the might I got a spam of messages from Logan saying he missed me and loved me you know the usual.

The doctors would occasionally walk in and ask Payton if she was okay and talk to her to make sure she was still breathing. They would ask her to say something that she meant and she would softly say, "I love Addison Matthews." I would smile and she would squeeze my hand and I wouldn't do anything about it because well I loved her.

That morning I called Logan and told him that I loved him. Also that I would be spending a lot of my time with Payton because she needed me more than ever. He told me that I should go home and take a shower and eat but I couldn't leave her because I needed her, I needed to make sure she was okay. Logan came by the hospital and they let him in and he came and talked to me and I told him that I couldn't leave. I remembered that nigh hearing the nurses whispers about the patient in room 415 taking a turn for the worse and well Payton's room was 415. They said she might go out and be alive but not wake back up. I needed her to be okay she promised me she would be okay. I couldn't let that happen and me not be here.

*****

I finally fell asleep in Logan's arms I was awake to what had been keeping me up all night, her scream when she called me. I remembered her telling me that they were back and by they she meant the bad thoughts. I remembered the first time she tried to overdose and I walked in on her.

It was when she was staying at my house for the summer and she found my mother's pills and took a handful and when I walked in she dropped them all and began crying. She begged for me to not tell anyone and I didn't, we were only 14 then now we are 16 and she needed help. I can't do this again, I can't be scared that one day she won't be at school because she overdosed I just can't.

With that I got up and went to get some coffee and try to get myself together. Logan followed me of course telling me that everything was going to be fine, then I finally snapped. "Logan nothing is going to be fine this will be with me for awhile I still have her scream running though my head. I can't Logan I'm a mess and I can't take care of her I can't be there for her if I can't take care or be there for myself." I walked off and he caught up to me and grabbed my hand, "I'm sorry." I grabbed a cup of coffee and drank it like it was water. I told Logan everything that was wrong with me, by the time I left I don't know how many cups of coffee I had. It was sure has hell more than 10 though.

When I got back they were taking Payton to do some tests and I demanded to go with her. They said I couldn't go and I stay in the green chair and cried every time I heard the nurses voice. It was a long wait for her to come back. Finally a nurse walked in and said, "Addison can I speak with you." I got up and walked out worried as fuck and she began talking, "I'm so sorry you have to hear this but, Payton may not make it through the night, sweetheart."