The Break Up Plan

45: IT'S ME, FROGGY

Gabriel Dunne broke my heart when I was fourteen years old. I cried for a week straight, lost a lot of weight and even contemplated drinking bleach.

Four years later, Cole Matthews breaks my heart and I feel nothing.

When I look in the mirror, my eyes are swollen and red like I've been crying but I don't remember the tears.

My palms are bleeding from moon shaped cuts but I don't remember the pain.

My chest aches with every breath and I can't seem to remember a time when it didn't.

When I was fourteen, I wanted to die because I couldn't stand to face Gabe.

Now, I want to die because I can't stand to face myself.

Cole's words reverberate in my mind, bouncing off the walls like a rogue ping pong ball. You're just a spoilt, selfish, heartless bitch and I want nothing more to do with you."

Every other thing he said to me, every time he made me feel special, like I wasn't a totally awful person. That's all cancelled out by those sixteen words.

I hate myself. But worse? Cole hates me.

"I swear to God B, the next time you zone out thinking about that douchebag, I will smack you so hard, you'll develop amnesia"

Tess violently snaps her fingers in front of my face and I blink rapidly, "huh?"

Chelsea curses and takes my hand in hers, upturning my palms to show the raw, bleeding moon shaped cuts, "Bella"

I snatch my hand back, cradling it to my chest "I'm fine," I try for a smile, "the physical pain just helps with the emotional one. I'm fine, promise"

"Bullshit!" Tess slams her hand on the table and the entire library turns to us, followed by numerous shhhs.

"Tess-"

"No B, you can bullshit yourself but you can't bullshit me, okay? You're not fine, you're a mess!" Tess furiously whispers.

"Tess!"

Tess turns to Chelsea, "What? You're not mad about this? That fucker turned the fiercest girl I know into a blubbering mess who hurts herself and you want me to be okay with it? Look at her, she's wearing sweatpants!"

"I'm not asking you to be fine with it but can you just tone it down a little? Bella doesn't need a bodyguard right now, she needs her friends"

Tess clenches her fist really hard for about five seconds before she exhales, "you're right," she turns to me, "Chels is right, I'm sorry B"

I sigh, hating every second of this, "No, I'm sorry. This isn't me, I don't know how this happened". How did I become this shell of a person? Why did I give Cole the power to do this to me?

Chelsea reaches over and hugs me but I can't even bring myself to hug her back. I stare listlessly as she rubs my back and murmurs soothingly, "you'll be okay"

The thing is, for a long time, I haven't been okay. Ironically, the first time I ever felt okay was when I was sick and doctor fun took care of me. I was only ever okay when I was with Cole and now that's gone.

How will I be okay?

***

Mr. Gelding places the test paper in front of me and the grade stares up at me like a pregnancy test with the wrong result, "care to explain this, Miss Paxton?"

My vision blurs, turning the 43% to a watery mirage. Someone bumps into me on their way out of class with everyone else. There's barely any contact but I lose my balance and fall to the floor right in front of my entire math class.