you belong with me | jaeten

twenty-six

"Why did you do it?" Ten sounded defeated even to his ears. He doesn't want to hear the answer to his question but he has to know.

"Ten, don't do this." He looked at how Johnny crumbled in front of him, on his knees, hugging the younger's waist. But Ten felt nothing, despite feeling every pain his heart can conjure.

"No, Johnny. Don't do this to ME. I need to fucking know if I want to live, Johnny. I can't continue another day thinking why you opted to cheat on me, multiple times. Like you don't have me, like I don't matter. Because fuck it, Johnny! I should matter! But what I'm feeling right now… This sucks. I feel like I don't deserve shit! Like I deserved it! I deserve to be cheated on!" He tried swallowing the sob threatening to escape his mouth, he really did, but it still came out, betrayed him; like Johnny.

Johnny looked at him, guilt obvious in his eyes like the clouds in a clear blue sky. Johnny looks so heartbroken, /but so am I/, Ten thought.

"Because I don't want to hurt you."

Ten laughed, a dull resounding laugh. It felt infuriating to hear those words out Johnny's mouth, to the point it made him feel incredulous, he had to laugh.

"Hurt me, Johnny? Hurt me? Fuck you! I am hurting now! Ironic, isn't it? You cheated because you don't want to hurt me? In what fucking universe does that work, Johnny? Fucking tell me!" He never screamed at Johnny, he never once did, nothing he can recall from his memory. Not when the older was infuriating him with his endless excuses, not even when the older ignites a fight just so he could see how much the younger can stretch his patience. But this time, he snapped. Thank goodness, it's just them in Johnny's flat.

"I mean not to hurt you… physically, Ten." It was a silent reply, one anyone could miss if they weren't paying attention. But given that it's just the two of them, it was loud for him, but Ten didn't understand.

"Physically?" Ten sounded confused when he said those words.

"You see how I can get rough, Ten. There were times when I left bruises in your body. And I don't like it when I see it after we hit the cloud nine. You're fragile and yet sometimes I couldn't stop myself from hurting you. You weren't even able to go to school the first time we did it. You were absent for three days because you weren't able to walk properly. Jaehyun even fucking cussed me out, telling me how I acted like a wild animal even though I know for a fact that I'm your first. After that I tried my best not too get rough with you, for almost 3/4 of our relationship, I was able to do it. But… habits die hard, Ten, especially if you've gotten addicted to it. It's like laying off for 6 months and deciding not to smoke, and then one of your mates offers you one stick and in return you complied, because a taste wouldn't hurt, right? And then you get suck again in the black hole, not knowing how to fucking get out of it." Ten look at Johnny like he wants to understand him, because, well hell, he fucking wants to. He likes to understand how people thinks, what made them do what they did, maybe that's why he's planning to pursue Psychology.

"So you're telling me you've been fucking Taeyong for the last 3 months because I was what? Too vanilla for you?"

Johnny immediately shook his head violently, as if the more he shakes his head, the more it will relay his denial.

"No! You're not too vanilla for me. You're perfect for me."

"Perfect? Is that why you didn't just tell me about your kinks and maybe trust me to decide for myself if I want it or not?"

"Ten…"

"No, don't, Johnny. Tell me. Why did you think I couldn't take it?"