Chasing Pavements

He Knows

LENA POV

"Ok Jude, Frankie, Mariana, Jesus did you do all your homework?" I ask the kids as I finish simmering the chicken soup I had on the stove to go along with the pot roast I made earlier. I had left Stef at my apartment to sleep since I knew she needed the rest a bit. She had looked exhausted and of course I know why.

"Yes!! We finished." They say back continuing to watch Toy Story as Jude walks up to me with Marie's bottle in his hand washing it out. All night he had been asking how his mom was and what was wrong. I knew he wasn't dumb, I knew he was aware of things passed his age, and that he was very conscious of everything. Stef, had told me this and I had learned this on my own when getting to know him. Jude in a sense really acted like the man of the house and sometimes as if he was Stef's husband and father. It was something she was trying to get him to stop doing but at the same time I knew he couldn't help it. He was filled with so much anxiety about her that he just didn't know where to put it all.

"Is she ok Lena? You can tell me you know. I'm not dumb." He says as I get a few bowls down. "I know that Mike asshole hurt her. Did he beat her up?"

"No, no baby. Nothing like that. She came over earlier and asked me too look after you guys since she had a migraine. That's all baby." I lie as she dries the bottle and turns to look right at me.

"She's pregnant isn't she?" He says in such a serious tone that I know if I avoid his eyes he will read me right away.  Putting the ladle down I grab his hand.

"Jude...

"She is. Mike knocked her up. I know it.  And when I see him I'm gonna rip his throat out. I told her. I told her to take her birth control." Shaking his head  I can see how visible upset he is and he is definitely leaving me lost for words as I place my hand on his shoulder.

"Jude she's not. And she will talk to you. Ok? She...

"Lena, I know she is. This isn't the first time. And, I'm not a kid." Walking away from me to sit back with the kids I just don't know what to even say. But what I do know is Jude and his mother are both hurting more then I have realized before.

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STEF POV

Opening my eyes I could see it is now dark outside and I had no damm idea where I was. I just knew my head was killing me and I was feeling rather queasy to put it mildly.  Sitting up a bit now  I look around realizing I am definitely not in my apartment but in Lena's.  But where was she and I why I here. Shit where was Marie?!

Instantly getting up in a panic, the door soon opens and I see Lena walk in and turn the soft lamp on.

"How long have I been sleeping? I...Lena..

"It's ok. I wanted you to sleep Stef. I made the kids dinner and you should have some too." Walking over to me she takes a seat as I sit beside her. "I left a note on the table but I realized it was dark and you might not see it. But they are all ok."

"You're too nice and you can't keep doing this for me. I haven't given you anything in return Lena. Nothing."

"I don't want anything in return Stef. Is it hard for you to believe I actually care and do this because I care? I know what it's like and many times I just wanted a friend. Look, I want to be the friend to you I never had."

"Lena, I told you, you don't want to get involved in my life. It's a mess."

"Whos isn't' honey." She laughs as I turn to her smiling. "Hello the father of my children is in jail and we have phone sex. So there's that.

"What!" I laugh as she rolls her eyes.

"I got desperate. What can I say."

"Oh god do I know about that! But, Lena you should be able to have any man you want. You're beautiful." I compliant as she lets out a soft smile for it was true Lena was very pretty and deserved the best. She did and I wasn't sure if she realized that.

"And so are you Stef. Hey, one day we will learn how to pick em better right?"

"Fuck, if not in this life but the next one. Shit." Shaking my head I let out a sigh and rub my forehead. Right now all I wanted was a drink and a fucking smoke.

"Stef, listen I would have let you sleep longer but Jude has been asking me about you all evening."

"I figured. He worries. Always has. I swear he came out the womb worrying."

"He does worry but, he knows Stef." She says as I instantly turn to look right at her.

"What? Knows what?"

"He knows your pregnant. And he knows it's Mikes."

"How the fuck can he know that! What? I...

"I don't know. I told him you weren't and that you would talk to him. But he didn't believe me because he said, well...

"I know. He said it's not the first time. And he's right. So of course he knows." Shaking my head I stand up not knowing what in the hell to do or say for my life was getting more and more embarrassing.  "How could I be so fucking stupid to think he wouldn't know."

"Stef, he's very perceptive. Even if it's happened before or hasn't he's just very aware."

"Because I did this to him Lena. He's not a kid. Well, at least he doesn't believe he is.  But, I've tried to make it so that he can be but, I..." Rubbing my forehead and I take a seat on her coffee table as she moves forehead and grabs both my hands. "He deserves a better mother then me. I've given him shit. Look at my oldest. HE fucking hates me. And.. Frankie..

"Don't do that to yourself baby. Don't go there. This life is the best life you can give the and that's ok. This parenting shit, it doesn't come with a book. We all do the best we can and at the end of the day, Jude, Frankie, Marie and Brandon know you love them. Jude loves you Stef.  Even if you tried to shelter him you can't, because he just knows. Some kids are like that no matter how hard you try. And, you haven't given him shit. Nor Frankie because she loves you too.  You hear me?"

"I can't have this baby Lena. I can't, and I don't know what to do." I look into her brown eyes as she squeezes my hand rubbing it. "I'm scared."

"I know you are. But you aren't alone. I'm here baby." Rubbing my hands I lean forward as I feel her press her lips against my forehead.  Lena was an amazing person and so different then anyone I had ever met in my life. Where had she been?