Chasing Pavements

Idiot

STEF POV

"Ok just sit up on the bed and lean back some." The nurse says to me as Mike pulls the stool closer beside me as the nurse gently lifts my shirt up.  

This entire week had been crap and I just blamed myself for it all.  I knew I hurt Lena's feelings, to the point that I didn't know what to say to her at all because I was so fucking confused about our friendship.  She was always so damm kind, she had done so much for me in the last few weeks, yet I just didn't understand my feelings for her.  I didn't and when we worked together the last few days we chatted some but not like we usually do as it seemed we just avoided the real issue. And maybe it was me?

I was known not to be the best communicator about things, especially my feelings and despite the fact that we seemed to be in a weird phase Lena,   continued to check in with me about how I was feeling, if I needed anything, and if my kids were ok. 

But we didn't have our dinners, our long lunch chats, our talks on the porch and that was partly my doing as well.  I needed to stay away from her because I knew I hurt her with my confused feelings, and with a kiss I liked. She didn't deserve that, she didn't deserve to have her feelings played with like that, not one bit, because it was evident she did feel something for me and it was something my son kept picking up on. But he was picking up on my feelings too that I just couldn't come to terms with.

 Did I really want Mike here with me today? Not really, because I had  asked Lena to originally come with me and I could kick myself. I really could and I knew it was another thing that hurt her.

"Ok I'm going to apply some jelly. It's a little cool."

"Sure." I smile as I glance over to Mike who holds my hand tighter. I couldn't help but wonder how long his enthusiasm was going to last. Hell, I didn't think it would last long but what else did I deserve? Did this baby deserve a father? Sure. Just like my other kids did but it never happened and maybe I was just holding out for it to be different this time. 

"So how are you feeling? It's early so you probably don't feel movement yet, right?"

"No. Nothing. Just queasy and tired."

"Yes, first trimester will do that to you for sure. You should have a bit more energy in you second trimester." She smiles as she places the machine on my stomach as it is rather cold. My eyes look over to her little monitor as she moves the device all around my stomach.

"Ok there's your baby. Tiny right now, but a good heartbeat."

"Oh man. That's something." Mike says as I feel him hold my hand tighter as my eyes begin to water for I was still so conflicted about having this baby. I really was.

"Good heartbeat. All looks ok. I'll do a few scans and print a photo for you. Ok?"

"Sure.  When um...when will I know the sex?"

"MM you have some time. Not for a little bit. Do you have a preference, Mom?"

"No. I just was curious. I have two boys and a little girl already."

"Oh nice. That must be nice for all of you. Dad do you? Do you want another boy or girl?" She asks as Mike clears his throat at this question.

"Ahh nah. Long as they are healthy!" He laughs as I refuse to look at him but keep my eyes on the little monitor. But his phone starts vibrating as I turn to him seeing him reject the call and I know damm well who it is.

"That's the spirit! But your baby looks fine, and you will need a ton of blood work to make sure everything is ok and tests. Just routine stuff as I'm sure you are familiar with."