Chasing Pavements

Her Son

STEF POV

"Hey babe can we talk?" I say to Jude as I take a seat on his bed. I knew he never went to sleep right away and tonight was no different as I had passed his room seeing him reading like he always did.  Nodding his head at me I make sure to close his door incase Frankie hears because I didn't want to have to explain this to her either. Even if she would be too little to fully understand. 

"Mom, I'm sorry for how I spoke to you. I shouldn't have done that or kicked the chair."

"Yeah you're right you shouldn't have. And how you spoke to me is unacceptable Jude.  You fucking know that. Especially in front of company, no matter how pissed you are at me you don't do that shit. You got me?"

"Yes. It wont' happen again."

Nodding my head I grab his hand as he looks right into my eyes. He had my exact eyes but mostly resembled his father with his brown hair and handsome smile. Brandon looked like his father as well with his dark eyes, slender body and dimples. Neither of my sons really have any of my physical characteristics but Jude had my heart, understanding, toughness and sensitivity. He was so sensitive that at times I just wanted to shelter him from all my issues and the ones he was facing at school. Which he was still so hesitant to talk to me about.

"Jude, at the end of the day I'm the mother and father in this household. And there's things that are my business and not yours."

"I know ma but..

"Let me finish babe." I say holding his hand and rubbing his fingers as his nails are colored a dark pink. "Look I get you've seen more then I have ever wanted you too but, you gotta understand that you're my son. Not my husband or father. I know the men I've picked weren't, well, amazing and I get it's affected you. I get that. And I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry that you had to be the adult sometimes, and I'm sorry that you had to take care of me sometimes. That isn't fair and I never meant to put you in that position babe."

"I know and you don't have to be sorry about it Mom. You don't."

"But I am love. I am baby." Gently rubbing his face he smiles at me but grabs my hand holding it.

"Mike doesn't love you Mom. He never did. He's a loser." He says as I clear my throat for it was hard for me to see what he saw. " You deserve better, you always have."

"Yeah babe. I...

"Why don't you see that Mom?  That you're a beautiful woman. Mike is just using you and he's no better then Denver. Even if he isn't physically beating you up like my father did." He blurts out as my eyes widen.

"What? What do you mean?"

"I remember Mom.  I remember that asshole Denver smacking you around."

Rubbing my forehead I'm torn up that he remembers this for I had left Jude's father years ago. "Jude how do you...how do you even remember that. You were so young." I sigh and can only shake my head. "That's why I left him babe. But I didn't think you remembered."

"I do.  And Frankie's dad is a loser too. So is Brandon's. Mom, why don't you take a break for now from dating.  And you should to get a check up and we need to find you an OBGYN.  I was reading it's important to get checked out and blood work when the baby is eight weeks. 1st trimester is the most critical Mom and you need the prenatal vitamins. Plus you need to update your WIC and find out if the hotel allows for you to take off. And...

"Jude. Stop baby. You don't need to read all that and...you just need to focus on you. On your schoolwork, friends, your cool new outfits you make. Not me. Not my appointments, not whether I take vitamins and checkups.  That's my responsibility honey not yours."

"But I need to help you Ma. Mike won't."

"Listen, don't worry about Mike ok?  I'm an adult honey. I'm your Mom.  I take care of you not the other way around. I know you have helped me so much with budgeting and literally everything but Jude I want you to be the kid you are. And we need to plan your 12th birthday. Did you want to do something, maybe invite Gilda? MM?" I say trying to really get him to focus on himself and not me and this baby.

"Mom, I just worry about you. I worry about you alot." He says tears rolling  down hi face as I move to sit beside him and wrap my arm around him.

"Don't. Let me worry about you instead. Babe, I don't tell you enough but you are my angel honey. You are and I'm sorry I've made such bad choices.  I'm sorry your life is not...not what I wanted it to be. I wanted more for you.  I wanted to be a better Mom for you babe and I hate that I haven't been."

"You are a good Mom. You accept me for who I am even though I know I'm weird."

"Baby, stop that. You aren't weird. Not by any means. Who the fuck told you that. Those jerk offs at school? They still bothering you?"

"Ma, i know I'm different. You know it too. What kids my age wear nail polish and want to wear mascara. No one." He says as I lift his chin up to look into my eyes.

"I think your wrong about that. I think there are other kids that feel that way too but you just haven't meet them yet.  Lena and I were talking about that to try and see if we could find a group for you. You know so you could meet other kids that feel how you feel. Or dress how you dress.  Is that something you would want to do?" I tread lightly as he looks away from me. "I mean I'd never force you babe. To do that. But I love how you look and you put mascara on better then I do."

Laughing at me he shakes his head as I can't help but kiss the side of his head. "But you didn't answer me. Are those boys bothering you? At school?"

"No. They stopped for now.  I'm ok."

"Yeah, look at me and say that."I say lifting his chin up once again as he looks right in my eyes. But sometimes Jude was so hard for me to read more then any of my other kids.

"It's ok Mom. They have left me alone for now. And yeah I'd like Gilda to come over. Just cake is ok. Oh and Lena too."

"Of course babe. That sounds good." I smile as he returns it but I can see something is on his mind still. "What's up babe? MM?"

"You know Lena is a good friend for you. And she likes you."

"Yeah she is a good friend. I like her too. She has a good heart."

"No Mom I mean she likes you. Like likes you."  He says as I furrow my eyebrows confused.

"Yeah honey I like her too. We are friends."

"Mama she likes girls. Woman. I think shes's gay." He says as I'm not sure what to say to that. 

"Baby, how do you know that. I man how do you know she's gay. And even if she is, which is fine with me, we are just friends love, and it's really not your business if she is or isn't."

"I just know she is Mom. I can tell."

"Jude, that is Lena's private business ok baby?"

 "Mom, she cares about you alot. You should go on a date with her.  I bet she would treat you better then anyone you have ever been with."

"Ok young man I think it's time for bed. Yes? School tomorrow."I say getting up as he laughs for what in the hell?  This son of mine was something else and Lena was gay? So did she kiss me on purpose?

"Yeah ok Mom. But, ya'll be ok? I mean will you see a doctor about the baby? You will keep him or her right?"

"Jude," I say grabbing his hand once again. "I promise that I will take care of myself. Ok? I swear to you love."

"Ok. I love you and the little person inside there too."  He smiles as I hold back the tears in my eyes. "I will help you with him or her. Even if you don't want me too I will. I love you Mom."

"I love you too baby. More then life baby boy." Kissing his forehead I tuck him in and close the door behind me. Life was so interesting right now and it would only continue to be the more my friendship evolved with Lena Adams.