Chasing Pavements

Her

LENA POV

Today had been what felt like the longest day ever has I had finally gotten the twins to sleep, made their lunches for tomorrow and studied a bit for my exam. But it was very hard to concentrate much less focus on anything as I felt horrible for what happened with Jude again, and I was hoping he was ok. I really was and everything that was going on at Stef's just made me want to help her even more. Sure, I had my own life to focus on, with the twins, my schooling, my job and my parents but since becoming so close to her it has become harder to not think about her.

She kissed me this afternoon when I told her about the abortion I had at 15 and it surprised me. Hell, if I knew if she was attracted to me, or if she did it to comfort me and show me affection back which we had been doing alot of lately. I just didn't know and the last thing I wanted to do was confuse her, or feel as if I was taking advantage of her, especially since I knew she was straight and her heart was so hung up on Mike. But I'd be damm lying if I didn't say her lips felt so good on mine, and I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I wanted to make love to her and make her feel so fucking good, slide my tongue between her legs and make her cum over and over. Crap, I really had to stop thinking like that for it wasn't fair to her much less myself.

It had been years since I had been with a woman and it wasn't something I could just shut off no matter how many men I fucked. It was still there and even my mother was aware of it questioning why I still decided to date men. I didn't know, but what I did know was that my heart was falling more and more for Stef the longer I got to know her and the more time I spent with her and the kids.

Why was I falling so hard for her? What was it about her that had me soo damm drawn to her? She was different then anyone I met even if she had her own issues that I was so damm familiar with.

Closing my science book and realizing I just wasn't going to get much more done I decide to head to the front porch for a smoke. I didn't smoke often but the times I did it was mainly to clear my head. As I throw a sweater on and head outside I am surprised to see Stef out there as well but not at the same time as she turns to look at me and softly smiles. But I can see the pain on her face from today's events as I take a seat beside her and she looks right at me.

"Do you want to be alone?"I ask as she immediately shakes her head.

"No. You know I don't mind your company. And smoke if you need it's ok."

"No I can hold off on that. Not with you pregnant I wouldn't do that." I say as she nods her head at me again rubbing her forehead. "Another headache?"

"Yeah. But I'll be ok. Thanks for looking after Frankie for a bit Len. Please let me know when I can look after the twins."

"I don't do it for something in return. I keep telling you that." I insist as her gaze turns back to the street. "What's wrong honey? What happened with Jude? He ok?"

"No, and I don't know what to do for him Lena. I mean, he said he feels he's in the wrong body. I don't know what that means. He said he wishes he was like other boys and he tries to be but he can't. Do you understand what he means? I mean is he gay? Or...I don't know."

"I have an idea of what he means honey, but there is not straight answer. Is he gay? Possibly. Does he want to dress more feminine? Yes. Does he feel he may be a girl stuck in the wrong body. Possibly too."

"A girl? What do you mean?" She asks confused. "Like, he wants to be a girl?"

"I don't know honey. It's very hard to say and he might not even know. But, like I told you before I've heard about this, read about it and there are definitely groups he can join with girls and boys like him. And they will also help you understand too."

"Is it something I did? To make him feel this way?" With tears running down her face I move closer to her and cup her cheek. I can't help it even if I said I wouldn't be this affectionate regardless of the fact that she kissed me a few hour ago something I wanted to do back so fucking badly.

"Baby, it's nothing you did. Nothing at all. But what's amazing is that you love and support him no matter what and alot of parents do not. That will help him immensely. But, he does need to talk to someone to help him through this. And you too. But don't feel it's anything you did. It's just what it is honey." I try so hard to reassure her as I squeeze her hand and we both sit in silence for a bit as the chilly wind blows around us.

"Len?"

"Yes?"

"Would you come with me to the doctor? You know to make sure this baby is ok?" She whispers looking back at me as I squeeze her hand once again and feel her fingers lace in mine. "I know you think I'm an idiot about Mike."

"I don't think anything like that honey. Not one bit. My concern is for you, your kids and that you are ok. But if he comes at you I'm gonna kick his fucking ass." I say as she turns to me laughing.

"Oh I have no doubt Lena Adams." Winking at me her hand reminds in mine as neither of us mention the kiss from earlier, but I'm left wondering what it really meant to her.