Better Than Yesterday

Twenty-Nine

19 Weeks

Calum groans, his head pounding heavily, feeling as if it's full of lead. The repetitive pounding from inside clashing with the sound of the pounding on the front door.

"FOR FUCK SAKE, CALUM!" Luke's voice suddenly reaches him from the lower floor before his pounding footsteps are nearly shaking the house as he stomps up the stairs. Of course Skye went to Sierra, where else would she have gone?

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Luke asks as he pushes into the master bedroom.

"Right now? A hangover." His voice cracks, throat ridiculously dry.

"I have zero sympathy for your head, Calum." Luke hisses, "Get your ass out of that bed, shower, and get down stairs. We have shit to talk about. Now. If I don't here the shower within five minutes I will bring a bucket of ice water to dump on your sorry ass." Luke leaves the room after that, and from the tone of his voice Calum listens, knowing he's already in deep shit, and there is no reason to make it worse for himself.

Looking into the mirror as he enters the bathroom Calum cringes, he looks like shit. Fumbling for the pain killers he pops four into his mouth and swallows a full cup of water before reaching for his toothbrush. When most of the mixed flavors of stale weed and alcohol has been scrubbed from his tongue he picks up the shaving cream and razor, cleaning his cheeks of the itchy stubble before twirling the nobs on the shower to turn it on hot. Taking his time to wash all of the last three days off his body and out of his hair, he steps out with the headache only slightly dulled. But as he is sobering up, he is realizing he probably deserves the headache and a whole lot more. He really was an asshole to the people he loves most.

As he exit's the en-suite he wrinkles his nose, the room filled with his stench. Stripping the bed of it's sheets and blankets he takes a load to the washer, starting one and leaving another on top of the dryer to wash after the first is done. Finding the second duvet and sheet set Skye bought in the closet to remake the bed before he slips his wedding ring onto his finger and heads for the stairs. He clenches his hand over and over, enjoying the feeling of the ring pinching against his skin again. It had been noticeably missed even while drunk or high over the last few days.

"Your dogs are fed. There is some coffee in the pot and what the fuck were you thinking, Calum?" Luke spits as he walks into the kitchen to find his bandmate seated at the counter.

"Skye... is she still coming today?" He ignores Luke's question as he pours some coffee into a mug for himself.

"No." Luke doesn't sugar coat the answer at all, "She barely slept, sick as a dog again, the sickness mixed with anxiety, anger, and pain. Nika too, she was too upset to sleep, they are finally resting. They are both dealing with a lot, so I came. I came to slap some fucking sense into you before you destroy your family and Nika picks Skye over you. You scared the fuck out of Nika! Do you realize that? She was scared of you. Not just for your safety, not just because she was worried. When you got home last night and you were cross faded and angry. She was terrified of you."

"Stop!" Calum yells suddenly, slamming his hand into the counter. "I know I fucked up, okay? I know I hurt Skye and Nika, but I don't know how to fix it." He breaks, tears burning behind his eyes.

"Why, Calum? Why did you do it? Where did you go? Skye- Skye said you smelt like perfume... Did you- did you cheat on her?" Luke asks.

"I did not cheat." His voice is hard, "Why can't any of you believe me when I say that? I didn't touch another woman, I don't want to touch another woman or have any other woman touch me. Skye is my life."

"Disappearing for three days and coming home smelling like another woman is a shit way of showing her that."

"I was being eaten alive, Luke. I lashed out, I ran from my problems, I couldn't take it anymore." Calum crumbles onto a stool beside Luke, sipping at his coffee as to give himself a minute to try and make sense of his mind.

"Why?"

"Because I fucking feel guilty." Calum finally sighs, leaning his head into his hands, staring down at his drink, "And I think I hate myself."

"Cal." Luke's voice breaks, turning from hard and angry to soft and worried.

"I don't deserve any of it, Luke. Not Skye, not Nika, not this life, not the baby. None of it." He stutters. "Why do I have all this good that I don't deserve?"

"Where is this coming from, Calum? You do deserve all of this. Are you kidding me? All of us are so fucking proud of you for the life you've built yourself."

"But I wouldn't have picked this life, Luke, don't you get that? When- when Nika happened, I was sleeping with four different girls a week, I was drinking myself sick, I was dabbling in hard drugs... I was not a good person."

"But you are a good person now, Cal."

"I don't even know who her biological mom is, because I slept with so many girls that there is no way to know, or to even have an idea. I tried. I really did. I slept with at least six dark skinned women in the month she would have been conceived. At least six, maybe more. I can't start randomly messaging them now, not ten years later trying to get closure, to apologize for not being there for them, or Nika before she was born. I can't change the fact that I would not have wanted Nika if I had known before I did, that even that day I almost gave her up. I can't get over the guilt I feel for loving this baby, and the things I am experiencing with Skye. I can't help but wonder if Nika's mom was sick her entire pregnancy too. Guilty she felt the need to do it alone, when she was clearly scared and unsure herself. I fucking hate myself and I feel guilty for the life I have somehow managed to create. So I flew off the handle, I know I didn't handle it right, but it has been eating me alive for months, and even more so since we found out it's another little girl, and I started feeling her moving and kicking. I just... I don't know how to handle all of it. I don't feel worthy of it."

"You need to go see someone, Cal. A professional, to work through all these feelings with. Because you do deserve this life, you deserve to have Skye and your daughters, but you have to find the place where you know that. You can't go running off for days on end with Mitchy to hide from them and all your thoughts and feelings. Doing that is not going to make anything better, and it will lead to you losing this life you have built with your own hands, the life you deserve."

"I know." Calum's voice squeaks slightly.

"Skye is pissed, Nika is terrified, and you have to fix those things, but give them a couple days. They are shaken, and not ready to deal with it. Get a plan, and fucking talk to your wife. If you feel like this, she should know. She loves you. She wants to help."

"Tell her." Calum sighs, "Tell her I love her, please. Tell her I didn't cheat, that I would never cheat."

"I'll tell her what I feel she should know, or benefit from knowing. You show her you love her, you prove to her you didn't cheat. I can't fix any of that for you."

"Tell her I love her at least. Please."

"That I can do." Luke nods, "Call a therapist, and get some food in you, and maybe sleep some more. You deserve your life, Cal, and your girls."

"Thanks. And Luke, Um, I'm sorry. For being such a fuck up this week. I know I hurt more than just Skye and Nika."

"Figure yourself out, Cal, and then apologize to everyone."

"I will." Calum nods, watching as Luke stands and heads for the front door. Sipping at his coffee as he listens to the deafening silence that follows his exit.

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Can Calum fix himself, get through all his big emotions, and earn Skye and Nika's trust back?

Okay, so I've almost got this book written in full so we are going back to daily updates!

My other story will stay every other though!!

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~M =)