Wide Awake

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tap
tap
tap
tap

The pencil loosely held between slender fingers gently and consistently bounces against the desk. Blood shot eyes are locked on the thin, tear stained piece of lined paper centered on the table top, not daring to look away. Tear stained cheeks and matted hair are long forgotten in the flurry of thoughts spinning throughout the room.

Q&A? Seriously?
They're gonna think it's weird how long it is.
Do you want their last memory of you to be your obsessive need to over explain?

Seokjin sighs deeply, scribbling out a large portion of the note aggressively. The sudden urge to scream rushes through his body. In an attempt to control the need, he flings the pencil across the room and bangs his forehead against the desk. He stays there a while. Whimpers escaped his swollen lips as a dull ache surfaces in his head. Slowly, he lifts off of the desk and out of his chair, making sure to neatly fold and place the note at the back of a drawer. Just in time too.

The door swings open, revealing a confused Yoongi. "What the fuck are you doing in here?" He questions.

"Banged into the desk." Seokjin responds nonchalantly. What a day to be an actor.

     Clumsy fuck.

The shorter man nods, but doesn't fail to notice the state of his only hyung. Puffy eyes, red face, and disheveled hair. "You were crying." Yoongi bluntly states.

Seokjin scratches his neck awkwardly, "Yeah, I got frustrated with my course work."

     Stupid to think you could do it.

     The younger hesitates, but choses to believe him, as he understands how overwhelming things can get as an idol and university student.

"Okay, why don't you take a break and help me cook supper then?"

     He just wants to supervise so you don't poison them with your rank ass cooking.

"Just let me grab a shower first, get started without me." Yoongi nods and exits the room, giving Jin some privacy.

     "Shower."

Seokjin's POV:

Once Yoongi shut the door, I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding.

      He knows you're stupid. He hates you.

      I saunter into mine and Yoongi's shared bathroom, feeling as though I'm on autopilot. Turn on light, lock door, turn on shower, strip down. All things I can't recall doing, but the evidence is there to prove that I did. I stare deeply into the mirror, unsure of what exactly I'm seeing. A pale, emotionless face, puffy and uninspiring. Unrecognizable to the man staring back.

     Loser. Ugly. Unworthy. Just do it.
     Do it.
     Do it.
     Do it.

My attention is brought to the exposed forehead where my bangs are split. A black and blue blotch has begun to surface. I sigh for what seems to be the millionth time today, ruffling my hair to cover the proof of my little tantrum.

      Do it.
     Do it.
     Do it.
     Do it.

The longer I stare into my own eyes, the stronger the urge to feel something grows.

      Do it.
     Do it.
     Do it.

      Without hesitation, I reach under the sink, feeling around for the taped down razor blade I had hidden. Once the flimsy metal is resting in my palm, I notice the large spots of rust and smile to myself.

      Do it.

     "Time for a new one." I whisper excitedly. I wrap the old blade with toilet paper until it is completely covered and bury it deep into the garbage bin. As I pull out a fresh blade I can't help but feel giddy. Nothing is better than a new blade, sharp and precise. One slip and it will go deeper than ever before, a scary but exhilarating feeling.

     Do it.

     Once positioned on the closed toilet lid, I make my first cut.

      Do it.

     A sharp pain shoots up my leg as every time I have to reintroduce myself to the feeling. I need more.

      Do it.

      I continue to slice, more and more desperately, floating in ecstasy.

      I take a moment to admire the beauty before me. Luscious red streams coated my thigh. I close my eyes and breath in the familiar metallic scent, loving every moment of it. Suddenly everything else disappeared, everything was okay.

    "Seokjin, you are alive, you have feelings, you will be okay." I mutter to myself. A little mantra of sorts I started when I went too far one day. It helps me stay calm, helps me know when to stop.

     Too soon, someone bangs at the door. "Jin-hyung? What's taking so long?" It's Yoongi. I scramble to put everything away, remembering why I was here in the first place.

     "I- I'm almost done! I just got distracted watching TikToks!" I call out, hoping to buy myself more time. I can practically see Yoongi rolling his eyes, but he leaves me alone.

     Dumbass.

     I quickly jump into the shower, unable to enjoy the water turning red like usual, as I'm in too much of a rush. Luckily, the burning and stinging is impossible to ignore. Relief flows throughout my body.

________________________________

"I'm just walking and walking, among this darkness.
My happy times asked me this question,
You, are you really okay, it asked me.
Oh no."

~Awake, Jin