Wide Awake

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Third Person POV:

     Only the subtle chewing and occasional clang of utensils against a plate can be heard as the seven friends eat. No one knows what to say, nor do they have the nerve to speak. One person in particular hopes for it to stay this way, to get through the meal without having to explain himself. The maknae fidgets uncontrollably as he cannot handle the tension around his beloved hyungs.

     "We read the note." He whispers, just loud enough for the others to hear. The deer-like eyes remain locked on his nearly full plate, as he has no appetite.

     "Kook-" Namjoon begins.

     "You said we have to talk about it hyung, so why are we waiting?" Jungkook's eye grow wide as his head shoots up to look at the rapper. Tears building up, he turns to his eldest hyung in an attempt to meet his tired eyes. "Why do you hate yourself hyung? There is so much to love, we promise! We love you more than anything!"

     After a moment of silence, Seokjin turns his empty gaze onto the young boy and smiles sadly. "Eat your supper Kook. Hyung worked hard on it." The members watched joylessly as their hyung returns to eating silently, and the maknae sinks deeper into his chair at the disappointing response.

     "He isn't wrong hyung. We do need to talk about this. About you getting help." The leader does his best to hide the anxiety he feels as he waits for the elders response. "I spoke to Bang PD-nim, he says they're working on finding a therapist."

     "I don't need a therapist."

     "But, hyun-"

     "I don't." Jin shoots a stern look at Namjoon, who is quick to shut his mouth. The eldest retracts his gaze and sighs, flashing a bright smile. "I will do the dishes, you guys go relax."

The younger members watch in awe as they see the incredible actor Kim Seokjin in action. A sudden and drastic change in character proves how broken he truly is. For some, the realization finally hits them, whereas for others it just solidifies the fact.

Taehyung's POV:

I've been cursed to silence by the thoughts floating through my head. So many questions I want to ask, but know will never be answered. Why would he want to leave us? The people he claims to be his brothers?

I want to be angry, to be selfish and to scream at him for being so stupid. However, I know that will do us no good. My anger comes from my deep love for the singer, I know this and therefore refuse to lean into these emotions. He has been there for me through everything. When I lost my grandmother, he was the first to hold me, the first to tell me I would be okay. I took my emotions out on him, yelled, hit, and hurt him, but he stayed. He stayed with me because he understood. He knew how much I needed him, how my actions didn't truly reflect my feelings towards him.

I want to do that for him. But how can I when I can't bare to see him like this? When I'm not as strong as he is? How can I tell him he will be okay, when I don't know if he will be?

Will he be okay?

I feel tears pricking at my eyes, an overwhelming pressure in my head. Why can't I be strong for him?

No. This isn't about me. It's not about my anger, my sadness, my guilt, or my strength. This is about Jin-hyung. I don't care how much it hurts, it has to be worse for him.

I jump up from my seat, ignoring the curious eyes following me into the kitchen. I'm not sure what my plan is, but I head towards the broad backed figure hunched over the sink.

A small and wet sniffle is heard, one only someone as close to him as me could pick out. I freeze as he uses his sleeve to rub his face. Is he crying? My heart breaks at the thought of Seokjin-hyung crying on his own, trying so hard to hide it from us.

Without thinking, I gently slide my arms around his waist, hugging his back. His trembling body begins to shake, as if the sudden touch released a storm.

Anguished sobs rip from the singers throat as he falls to the ground. My breath hitches, following him down, holding him tightly in a weak attempt to keep him together.

Is this what I wanted? As I sit here, my hyung crumbling in my arms, I can't help but wonder. I made him cry. This can't be right. I wanted to be there for him, to be the light at the end of his tunnel like he was for me.

Tears stream down my face and I hold on for dear life.

I'm scared. Scared to face the others knowing what I've done. Scared to face Jin's wrath. Scared of hurting the ones I love more than I already have.

But, I'm mostly scared of losing my hyung, my light.

     So I hold on as long as I can.

________________________________

"Shit shit I got it so stop it.
I'm the root of all this so I'll stop myself.
If my misfortune is your happiness,
I'll happily stay unfortunate.
If I'm the figure of hate,
I'll get on the guillotine."

~The Last, Agust D