Wide Awake

<14>

Yoongi's POV:

     Composing has always been my outlet, a way to calm myself during the worst of times and to relive the best of times. At the end of the day, I can always find myself here, hunched over in front of my keyboard. I fiddle with the array of notes, hoping to create something captivating, something memorable and moving. I yearn for others to feel something deep within themselves when hearing my music, to have a connection that allows them to feel understood and accepted.

All I want is to help others. I need to show the people around me that anything is possible, that even the biggest hurdles can result in incredible new beginnings. As I stare at the gleaming instrument before me, all I can think of is how I can show this to Seokjin. I feel so helpless. Even being through a similar situation, I cannot figure out what I need to do to prove to him that he will get through this.

As I deliberate, I keep thinking back to my own experience. How hopeless and lost I was. How other's words meant nothing to me and only sent me spiralling deeper. The mental illness convinced me that I was being lied to by all those who said they loved me and were there for me. These types of thoughts cycled through my head 24/7, leaving no room for logic or disagreement. I only broke free when I began engrossing myself into music.

That's it. Seokjin needs to embrace the things he loves and find that place of solace to ease his mind.

My eyes grow heavy as a small smile relaxes onto my face, finally content with my next move. I glance at the monitor before me, the bottom right corner reading 1:46 am. It's been a long day of work. I may not have gotten much done, but sleep is necessary for survival. So I shut down the appliances in my studio and prepare to head home, a hopefully solid plan already running through my head.

Seokjin's POV:

     1:46 am. I feel like I'm going insane, and staring into the empty darkness of the room hasn't done much to help. So many thoughts float through my head that I can't even process one.

Waste of space.
Failure.
They hate you.

I try to think, try to sort out these thoughts and emotions. I know that I need to figure this out. There is a way to stop this, to finally get some rest. I think of returning to the bar. Would that man still be there?

Burden.
No one cares.
They shouldn't care.

     Everything is becoming so dull, so lifeless. The emptiness inside of me has grown so large that I no longer know who I am. How can a man exist without any recollection of anything but the deep pit of sorrow inside himself. I find myself yearning for the numbness I had felt that night.

     Kill yourself.
    There is no other way.
    They will thank you for it.

     How can I disagree when it feels so true? Logic tells me these thoughts are a lie, but regardless of that, I can't help but submit to the idea. The one thought I can comprehend is that one can never truly know what another is thinking, so what are the chances that the members have believed these things long before I? They may hate me, believing I'm useless and a burden. They are incredible people, so of course, they would never want me to let on to the fact that they think that way.

      You can only trust me.

     Before I can continue this thought, a stream of light pours in, interrupting the vacuous energy of the room. A hunched over figure enters quietly, pushing the door shut behind them. The man I have concluded to be Yoongi shuffled gently across the now darkened area, taking a seat on the bed across from mine.

After a few silent moments, he speaks up. "Can't sleep?"

"No," I mutter in response. He sighs softly before joining me on my bed.

"I was thinking we could go fishing tomorrow." I hear the hope in his voice. Tomorrow, we all have the morning off, so he shouldn't have to spend it with me.

"I don't know, Yoons. I don't feel like it." The last thing I want to do is disappoint him, but I know he is just doing this for me. I wouldn't want to force him to go just for me. Maybe he'll be relieved.

"It'll be good for you hyung. I know it's difficult, but you should try to do the things you love, trust me please." I remain silent, hoping he will just give up. "Plus, I could use some time away from everything. So join me please."

     "Ok." I turn over to face the wall, willing him to leave me alone. He's too selfless for his good sometimes. "Goodnight."

     "Thank you. Please try and get some rest. Goodnight." The mattress begins to feel empty as he returns to his bed.

     I would rest if I could, Yoongi.
But it's hard when I'm left alone with my thoughts.

_______________________________

"When I really hate myself, I go to Dduksum.
I just stand there with the familiar darkness.
With the people that are smiling
And beer, which makes me smile."

~Reflection, RM

_______________________________

A/N
Hey guys!
Thanks for being so patient with this story!
Sorry, it's a bit short.
I wrote this chapter awhile ago and wanted to wait to publish until I had a few more chapters lined up, but those don't seem to be getting written so thought I would publish this one anyway.
I'll try to get to writing more soon! I appreciate everyone who is sticking around💕

~Terri