Wide Awake

<6>

Seokjin's POV:

     This isn't supposed to be happening. No one was supposed to see me. Tae wasn't supposed to hug me. I sure as hell wasn't supposed to be breaking down in the arms of my dongsaeng.

     Stop.

    Sobs continue to rack my body as I struggle to catch my breath.

     Stop.

     Tears, sweat, and snot drip down my face, matting down the once-clean dark locks of hair covering my forehead.

     Stop.
     Stop.
     Stop.

     Pressure builds and releases at the back of my throat as another yell of agony echoes through the dorm.

     STOP.
     STOP.
     STOP.
     STOP.

     I need to stop, but it's impossible. I'm starting to think that this will last forever, this escalating pain that I have held in for so long. All of the silent tears, bloody thighs, muffled screams, mental torture. The wall I have spent so much time and effort building up has suddenly crumbled to the ground.

    Do it. They don't deserve you. No one deserves you. You need to die. Look how you are hurting them. Look how much they suffer for you.

     The crying slows. I blink the remaining tears from my eyes.

     Look at them.
     LOOK!

     I oblige. Peaking over Taehyung's tear-soaked shoulder. Five sets of fearful eyes stare back. Yoongi remains seated, jaw clenched as he blinks away his unshed tears. Hoseok is frozen with his eyes wide, a steady stream of tears unknowingly falling onto his flushed cheeks. Jimin holds a hand over his mouth in shock. He is hiding behind Jungkook, who is shaking with sobs, hands gripping the table for support. Namjoon has panic written all over his face as he holds his phone to his ear. Taehyung has released me from his hold, his look is unreadable.

     See what you have done?
     I told you to stop.
     I'm only trying to help.

     I lay my head in my hands, willing for this horrific scene to come to an end. I feel a large hand rubbing the small of my back.

     You have nothing left.
     They all hate you.
    
      They don't hate me. I know they don't. If they hated me, then why would they be here right now?

     They pity you.

     That's not true. They want to help. Right?

      You're just a charity case to them.
      Something to make them feel better about themselves.
    
      Shut up. You're wrong.

      Don't you trust me?

      But you're wrong about this. I know them, they are everything to me. They love me.

      They love me, don't they?

      But how could they love me if I only hurt them?

      That's right.
They could never love you.

      No. Stop! I know what you're doing! Stop getting into my head like that!

     Oh, but Jinnie, I'm always in your head.
      You can't escape me.

      Shut up. My heart speeds up.

      You can't.

      Shut up. I suddenly can't breathe.

      You can't.
      You can't.

      SHUT UP. It feels as though I'm being stabbed in the chest.

      You can't.
      YOU CAN'T.
      YOU CAN'T.
      YOU CAN'T!

      "Shut up! Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!!!!!!" I scream, pulling at my hair, hoping that the voice will come out with it. My injured hand feels like it will burst into flames, angry with the sheer destruction I am bringing to the nerve endings.

     I'm still here, Jinnie!

     "SHUT UP, LEAVE ME ALONE!" I cry out, begging to be free from the constant torment that is my mind. "Get out. Get out. GET OUT. GET OUT!" The screaming pain of my bloodied knuckles isn't enough to drown out the voice, so I begin to slam my open palm repeatedly against my skull. Everything is a blur, my desperation gets the best of me as I scream and cry to escape.

     I hear muffled screams surrounding me as I feel my hands being pulled away from my head. A sinister laugh echoes through my pounding head. I need to get it out... so I rip my hands from their hold, beating my closed fists against my already aching head. Finally, the voices fade, replaced by the beautiful song that physical pain plays.

     It isn't long before strong hands wrap around mine and rip them away. Another pair grasps both sides of my face, forcefully angling it so my gaze falls onto soft eyes.

"Look at me! Jin? Please look at me!" The man shouts, but tears blur my vision. Whimpers fall from my chapped lips as I'm pinned in place, no longer able to move. "You're okay, Hyung. You're safe. The voice is lying to you. It wants you to hurt, but you don't have to listen."

My body goes limp, exhausted and unable to fight anymore. With my vision cleared, I lock eyes with the man before me. Yoongi. Whom I had directed so much anger towards. The one who has fought the most for me. Guilt rushes through my body, but I have no energy to react. Hoseok, with panic in his eyes, hesitantly loosens his grip around my wrists, watching uncertainly as I return to reality.

"I- I'm sorry," I whisper, embarrassed by my actions and diverting my eyes.

Yoongi quickly releases my face and offers me a warm embrace. "Don't be. It's not your fault."

I want to argue, but I know he will continue to lie to my face. So I keep that to myself.

"Why don't we get you to bed, huh?" I lazily nod my head, more than ready to be alone. The light pitter-patter of the other members scurrying out of my way is heard as Yoongi slowly helps me to my feet. I can feel my body trembling and swaying, as if to remind me of the trauma I had just put it through.

     You ain't seen nothing yet.

________________________________

"Never end... Why is there no end and always hell?
As time goes by, it's a Neverland in a cold abyss!"

~Whalien 52, BTS