Wide Awake

<4>

Seokjin's POV:

     The room is spinning. My mind is running a million miles an hour. My heart feels as though it's going to explode out of my chest. This can't be happening.

You fucked up... again. Surprise surprise.

Silence fills the room. Everyone seems to be speechless, unable to comprehend the amount of baggage they had just uncovered. They hate me, they're disgusted by me. How was I so stupid as to think that they wouldn't find out? My face softens for just a moment as Yoongi's sentence processes in my head. This is real. I feel betrayed, saddened, hurt, but most of all, I'm angry. He had to have gone through my personal belongings to find this, he invaded my privacy, a boundary we had set 7 years ago.

Make them hate you.
They will let you do it.

Before I can even comprehend my own thoughts and feelings I break the silence. "I can't fucking believe you Min Yoongi! This is my personal god damn business and you think that you have the right to just announce it to everyone? Who the fuck do you think you are!"

Do it.

"He did the right thing Jinnie-hyung." Namjoon interjects, a sorrowful tone to his silky voice.

Do it.

"Are you saying that digging through my personal things is the right thing?! Cause last I checked this note was hidden away." I scream in retaliation.

Do it.

I didn't fail to notice the fear in the others eyes, I never lose my temper, but I can't hold it in anymore. "I can't believe you are defending him?! I trusted you Yoongi, I trusted you with everything and now you do this?!"

Do it.

"Obviously not with everything." Yoongi mutters sadly, tears in his eyes. I know I'm hurting him and the others, I know why he did what he did, but I can't stop screaming. My emotions are jumbled and I feel like crawling into a hole.

This is for your own good.
Selfish prick.

I freeze, not sure of what to do, tears threatening to fall.

Do it.

I hear the members talking, but I don't understand what they're saying.

DO IT.

It's all noise, loud and obnoxious.

DO IT.
DO IT.
DO IT.

My heart beats faster as the cacophonous voices beat into my head, a rhythm too fast for me to keep up.

DO IT!

Panic rises, as does the need to scream. Please, not now.

DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT

I try to compress it, keep it inside, but I'm no longer in control.

DOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOITDOIT!!!

My hands fly up to my hair, clenching and pulling until my scalp feels raw and a blood curdling scream is released from my vocal cords. A sound I had never known I could make, yet now realized how long I yearned to.

Good. For now.

The room goes silent once more. I'm terrified to look up at my six brothers. I'm supposed to be the oldest, the most mature, the most put together. Yet here I am, having a temper tantrum like a child. I didn't ask for this, I just wanted to walk away peacefully, save them the worry. I focus on the burn in my throat, a miserable attempt to drown out my emotions with the stinging pain.

"Jinnie-hyung? It's okay, just please talk to us." A deep voice says hesitantly. Yoongi. Suddenly all my anger comes rushing back at the reminder of the rapper. I jolt up and with all of my strength swing my fist into the nearest wall. Pain. Glorious pain. My hand throbs intensely and I glance up to review the damage. I smile at the large hole in our living room wall, emerging a mangled hand.

You disgust them.

"Shit hyung! Your hand!" Hoseok yells, running forward and inspecting it to see if it's broken. I forget to wipe the smile off of my face, only allowing it to grow bigger. I face the six members, only now taking in their expressions. Pain, shock, fear, sadness. I chuckle lightly and offer an eye crinkling smile, resulting in the addition of confusion to their faces.

Look how you hurt them.
They don't deserve you.

"Why don't go I finish supper for us, hmm?" I don't know why I do this. Maybe because I'm high off of the pain, the euphoric sensation has made my emotions switch drastically. All I know is that, that isn't me.

"Hyung wait-" Hoseok calls, but I keep walking, not wanting to hear the rest.

It's better if you leave.
They're better off without you.

I arrive back into the kitchen to see a lightly charred layer on the pork, "at least it didn't burn." I mutter to myself.

Third Person POV:

Six members are frozen, staring into a hole the size of a grapefruit on the light gray living room wall. No one knows what to say, or how to react. Their hyung, the most caring and selfless person they know, wants to kill himself.

"Wh- what just happened?" Hoseok mutters, a hand covering his face in distress.

"A mental breakdown I can only assume. He probably couldn't take it anymore, used this as a opportunity to finally let it all out. Believe it or not, this could be a good thing." Yoongi explains. "Hopefully we can consider this as a step towards recovery."

"Recovery?? Hyung, did you not just see what happened? He is obviously the farthest from okay!" Jungkook shouts, tears threatening to fall.

"You're right Kookie, but so is Yoongi. We know now, we can help him." Namjoon responds, laying a calming hand on the maknae's shoulder.

"How? He won't even listen to us." Jimin mumbles.

"Even before today, when we tried to talk to him he just shut us down. How do we go about this without him punching holes in the wall every time we bring it up?" Hobi gestures in front of himself, causing everyone to sigh.

"I'm not sure, but we have to try. He's Seokjin-hyung guys, we can't give in to his tactics."

     "I'll call manager-nim." Namjoon dejectedly reached for his phone.

________________________________

"One morning, I opened my eyes
And wished I was dead.
I want someone to kill me
In this loud silence."

~Always, RM