first. | Ateez San

Part XIII

It had been five years since I left. I always thought the city was the thing holding me back, but as it turns out, maybe I was the problem all along. I dreamt of leaving ever since I could remember, so why did I feel so regretful? Everything felt the same even though I moved overseas. I was the same selfish girl who had no idea what she wanted. I kept distracting myself from the thought that maybe, just maybe, I lost someone who could've been important to me. I never saw myself as a person who would feel remorse, but everyday for the past 1,825 days, I stared at the picture of a boy who I could've called mine. The countless bodies I used for pleasure and entertainment were never fulfilling. They never compared to San.

I remember the day I cut off all contact with him. I can still see his face so vividly, the way he cried openly out on the street. If it were to be anyone else, I would've loved it. But, seeing San humiliate himself did something to me. It wasn't the good feeling I used to get when I hurt someone. Is that what love is? Hurting yourself when you see the person you care about get hurt? If that's what love is, then I was right. It's extremely tiring.

Still, I tried to replace him. I so desperately wanted to find someone who could wipe out all my memories of him. I wanted to finally be able to "love" someone for the first time. But, no one could ever love me like he did. I was so used to being a body that people used and threw away that I didn't know how hard it would be to gain respect from others. I didn't know I couldn't be flawed and accepted at the same time. But, San loved me no matter what. He kept reminding me of how much love he could give yet I kept pushing him away, thinking that affection was smothering. I didn't know at the time that a person could be so sincere with their words.

Maybe I was just afraid that he was a person like me. A person who was so adamant about getting what they wanted that they didn't care who got hurt in the process. A person who could lie straight to another's face about how much they loved them. Turns out, I was only lying to myself. Those days where I thought I had control were meaningless. I thought spending time with him would mean nothing, yet here I am, my mind clouded with scenarios of me and him, in an alternate universe where I wasn't such a bitch. But, after everything has been said and done, the thing I hated the most was how Seonghwa was right all along. Except, maybe I did know from the start that I was in love with San, but the pride in me wanted to do everything it could to prove everyone wrong. Well, if I ever saw him again, I'd make sure to tell him that he won.

If I did go back, would San still be waiting for me? I didn't know where he could be or if he was even the same person anymore. A lot can change in 5 years. I guess that's what's stopping me from hopping on a plane and heading back. I was afraid that everything would be different from how I left it. A part of me knew that the city was doing just fine without me. It was probably doing better actually.

But, I always hated cowards. If I'm finally going to confess about my feelings then I should just do it in person and get it over with. I guess I'll have to be the one who chases now.

When I told my mom I was back in town, her and dad surprised me by picking me up at the airport. It was heartfelt since I hadn't seen my parents in forever. I was expecting them to hate me after I left them out of nowhere, coming back as the same failure I had always been. But, they greeted me with happiness and tears. Perhaps genuine love can come in different forms. And after years of being apart, my dad finally came home to spend time with my mom. I didn't know love could be so strong that they'd still smile every time they met eyes. I wanted something like that. I wanted to smile at San even when our eyes didn't meet.

I didn't know what my next move would be. Would San still be living in the same apartment? Would it be okay to show up without an invite? Being a civil person was hard. But, that would be tomorrow's problem. Right now, I needed to appreciate my parents' love for the first time. We shared dinner together then I went to bed in the same room that my mom kept clean for the past 5 years. The pink bunny laid there, waiting for me. I was so touched that she kept everything the way I left it, and even spruced it up a little more. She didn't have to do any of this. She didn't even know if I was coming back.

The next morning, I wandered around in the familiar surroundings. It felt weird not taking the bus to school. Even so, I hopped on, and sat, not knowing where I would be going. After a few bus stops, I recognized the small cafe that San brought me to on our first date. I quickly got off, running towards it without a thought. He wasn't in there. I don't know why I expected him to be. I was about to leave until I noticed that they were hiring. I needed a job anyway, so why not? I filled out the form then left, as they said they'd call me back if I got the job.

Then, my feet started walking without me even noticing. I made my way back to the bus stop, and I somehow ended up at the mall. I ran to the CD store where San was with Ji-Hye that day. He wasn't there. I don't know why I expected him to be.

Afterwards, I found myself again, mindlessly heading to the boardwalk where San and I escaped from an old man. I ran towards the rocks where I claimed to the world that San was my boyfriend. But, San wasn't there. I don't know why I kept expecting him to be. I even checked the convenience store where we eventually got our ice cream. I didn't know what I was doing. Of course he wouldn't be there.

I was so desperate that I debated going up to his grandparents' place, just to find out where he could be. But, it was getting late now and the more I ran around, the sadder I became.

Heedlessly, I spent my whole day going back to the places where San and I went for the first time. Only now, it was my second time and I was alone.