Fall

Struggles

It's been two days since I've been home from the hospital. I am no longer allowed to take my medication. I feel very anxious without taking it. When Justin and I first got together I felt like I didn't need it anymore. I thought he had cured me or something until my episodes came back and I got back on my routine. 

I didn't want people around me seeing me be unstable. I was embarrassed about having to take medicine to keep my mood stable. Since I am no longer allowed to take my medication I needed to go back to psychotherapy. Did I want to go? Absolutely not but there were other people I needed to think about like Justin, and Elisa. "Honey are you okay?" Justin stares at me from the island as I sit and drink orange juice. I give him a small smile and a nod. 

I didn't want to put myself onto him. "How are you feeling?" he watched me carefully. This is why I hated having bipolar depression. Everyone is waiting for me to go off like a ticking time bomb or something. I didn't like the attention it came with. "Justin I'm fine," I place the orange juice down. I close my eyes and take deep breaths. "Mommy I am ready to go," my sweet Elisa came down the steps in her uniform. "Grab your lunch box out of the fridge and let's go," I tell her. "Give daddy a kiss before you go," I tell her and she walks over and kisses his cheek. 

"I'll see you later daddy," she smiles. "Okay princess," he walks us out to the garage. I hop in the front seat and Justin helps Elisa with her seatbelt. "Alright baby call me if you need me," he looks me straight into my eyes and kisses my forehead through the window. I close my eyes again for a second and nod. We pull off into the driveway and out of the gate. "Are you excited about volunteering at school?" Elisa smiles at me through the rear view mirror. "Yes, I can't wait to see you in action in class," I pull into the lot. 

The day was going good until I could feel myself becoming unstable. I take a few deep breaths in and out. "Mrs. Bieber are you alright?" Elisa's teacher asks. I open my eyes and nod. "Yeah, I'm just going to head to the bathroom," I excuse myself. As soon as I make it to the bathroom I vomit. My anxiety was beginning to rise and I pull out my phone. 

"Hey I need you to come," I tell my husband. 

"What's wrong?" he asks. "Babe I thought I could do this but it's hard. I can't control myself right now," I break down and cry. "Hey, hey, hey don't worry I'm on my way just stay where you are," he hangs up. I put my back against the wall in the bathroom and laid my head in my chest. I just wanted to disappear. "Bella are you in here?" I hear my mother voice, "Yes," I croak out. She opens the stall to see me on the floor crying. 

Justin stood behind her. He came and helped me up. "I'm such a failure," I cried. "Why do you feel that way?" my mother asks. "I can't even be there for my daughter at school," I sob. "Elisa will understand baby. This doesn't make you a failure. Everything is heightened now that your pregant. You need to be patient with yourself. I am going to finish out the day with Elisa and Justin is going to take you home. 

Once Justin and I got home he put me in the bed and went and got ice cream from downstairs and brought it back up. "How are you feeling?" he asks and rubs my forehead looking at me with sympathy. "Please don't look at me like that," I say lowly. "What do you mean?" he asks. "You're looking at me like I'm some crazy person and you feel bad," 

"But I don't think you're crazy baby," he looks me in the eye. I look away. "You don't have to lie to make me feel better," I tell him and put the covers over my head. "Bella baby look at me," he pulls the covers over my head. "You are struggling and as your life partner it is my responsibility to be there for you in any way you need," he places a soft kiss on my forehead and smile. 

I took a nap just to get out of my head and let the covers consume my body. When I wake up Justin isn't next to me but I hear giggles downstairs. I get out of bed and waddle down the stairs into the kitchen to see all of my closest friends. "What are you guys doing here?" I smile. "Justin had to leave for a little bit so he called us to come and keep an eye on you," Justine smiles as she stuffs her face with icecream. "Awe he did?" I smile looking around at Kendell and Bella. 

"Where is Elisa?" I ask looking around. "She's staying with my sister tonight," Kendell said cooking something. "What are we making?" I wiggle my eyebrows. "Shrimp tacos," she turned down the fire. I was truly grateful that Justin even thought to call them while he was gone. "So what are your pregnacy cravings like?" Bella ask. I take a seat at the island and take some of Justine's icecream. "You guys aren't going to eat the tacos if you're eating icecream," Kendall complains. 

"Relax honey I have plenty of room for your delicious tacos," I rub my belly and laugh. "But anyway's back to your question Bella. I like to dip my pickles in strawberry jam," I tell her and all of them scrunch up their faces. I laugh at their expression and they shake their head in disgust. "Don't knock it until you try it," I shrug.

"Best friend I'm home!" Ming put her keys on the rack and sat down next to me. "Ah, the crew is here," she gave everyone a hug. "How are you feeling babe?" she hugs me and it was like her hug  triggered my emotions. I cried and hid my face in her chest. She rubs my back as I just let it all out. Everyone stopped what they were doing and joined in on the hug. Once I felt okay I laughed a little. "Thanks," I smile sniffling. 

"That's what we are here for mama," Justine smile. Kenny finishes up the tacos and we sit around the kitchen and eat. "Have you thought of any names?" "Ella and Eli," I smile. "Do we know the gender?" Kenny asks. "Not yet we're having a reveal party," I tell them. Kendall finishes up the tacos and we sit around and eat them. The security to the front door goes off but is quickly disarmed. Justin walked in the kitchen with a smile. "Hi," I greet him with a smile. 

He comes over and places a kiss on my forehead. "I'm glad you're smiling," he runs his hands down my face and I take in the affection. "Me too," I look him in the eye. "Well know that you're home we will get going. Bella we will see you tomorrow for lunch. I will pick you up," Justine hugs me and the rest of the girls kiss my forehead. "Call me if you need me I'll be with Mike," Ming kisses my cheek before leaving back out. 

"How was your day?" I get up from the table and begin to clean off the counters. "We set the tour dates and we are ready to publish them. Album is coming out in a few weeks and I can't wait for everyone to hear the music including you," he snakes his arms around my waist. "I can't wait to hear it. I am so proud of you," I turn around and hold his face in my hands. "Thank you baby," he kisses me. "I mean it, you're the most incredible human being. You take care of Elisa and I and still work on your music and do what you need to do. I couldn't ask for a better husband Justin," I hug him and rest my head in his chest. 

He rocks us back and forth. "Cause I don't care when I'm with my baby yeah, all the bad things dissappear cause you're making me feel like maybe I am somebody," he sings softly, 

"I can deal with the bad nights when I with my baby yeah," I sing with him. I chuckle as he pulls me back so that we are looking each other in the eye. "How about we do some face masks?" he says making my face light up. I drag him upstairs to the bathroom.