Knock Me Down - [COMPLETE]

36 - Choose

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Mustering up some courage I go to the track practice. I hope he's there. Drac told me Jasper hasn't been showing up every other day, or talking to anyone. I show up towards the end so I don't deal with three hours of painful awkwardness.

I don't see him with the bad angle I'm at. But I see Benicio. He's sitting holding his knee in pain. His knee must be aching badly today. He forgot his water bottle and his knee brace again. I end up not even going inside the gym. I wait on the stairs that connect the hallway of classrooms to the gymnasium's rear entrance. Since the main entrance was closer to the center of campus, everyone used that side. This way I wouldn't have to talk to the team or my brother. But, unprecedented, I'm met with Jasper.

"What're you doing here?" He asks in the same dull and quiet tone he would speak to me with before all of this happened.

He has his school bag and restaurant apron over his shoulder, his hair is uncombed, and his expression is moody. He's dressed like he just rolled out of bed and went to class. At least I know he's working with Sam.

"I was looking for you. Why weren't you at...?" I point to the gym.

"Registered late. I have afternoon classes some days"

"Then why are you showing up at the end?"

"I was..." He glances behind me to deflect my gaze, "going to talk to Benicio"

"You haven't since...?"

"No. But no use shutting each other out" He brushes through his hair with his fingers to fix its disheveled look.

"Do you...Should I wait...?" I awkwardly stand up fidgeting with the pen in my left hand as he types on his phone.

Benicio comes out with a blatantly unhappy and unfriendly aura that rapidly diminishes the courage I had saved for Jasper.

"What's he doing here?" He doesn't acknowledge me at all, "I thought it'd just be us"

"Doesn't make a difference if he's here" He stands in front of me, closing me off from the conversation, "Maybe it's better that he's here"

He shakes his head in dissent, "If this is the same bullshit, this is a waste of time"

"It's different" His tone is steady and flawless, "I didn't say what I should've said"

I deflate. I'm scared of what's going to come out of his mouth. I knew it. He'd choose Benicio. I didn't stand a chance. I thought maybe it wouldn't have to be one or the other.

"You've been my best friend since we were nine. You're the only one that knows everything about me. Twelve years. I'm not giving that up"

I want to leave. I'm not ready to hear this, and definitely not in front of Benicio.

Jasper grips the strap of his bag, "You know me. My history. My shit. I get why you don't like it" He inhales, taking his time, "I don't think I'm good enough for him either"

He strides over to him, as confident as he can appear with his tired and sleep deprived state, "I'm not giving him up. I want to be with him. I care about him. And if he still wants to be with me now, I'm going to make him my mine no matter what you think"

Benicio's eyes flicker to my bright red face, refusing to accept anything, "You... actually like him?"

"More than you know"

"And you?" He asks me expecting a wispy-washy answer and my usual uncertainty to use to his advantage.

"I wouldn't argue with you about this if I didn't. I don't fight with you for fun, Bene"

He looks uncomfortable and overwhelmed, "...this is so fucking weird"

I stand a little farther from Jasper and Benicio. My hands are shaking.

"I'm too tired. I don't want to think about this right now. I'm going home"

"Benicio" I need to know or else I'm going to go insane, "Did you tell Ma y Pa?"

"Dad knows" He spits like it's nothing. He freezes his steps, throws his duffel bag over his arm, "He wanted me to tell you he'll be home tomorrow. He expects you there"

Seething wrath quickly shoots from chest to my head like an eruption, bringing me to throw away all my anxiety. I can't believe it.

Betrayal. He should know how much that could hurt me. I mutter to myself low and calmly, "Lo voy a matar, pinche desgraciado miserable"

I pull him by his backpack throwing him onto the ground. I don't have any more sympathy. He looks stunned. I've never been this rough with him before. "That was for me to tell them. When I'm ready. This doesn't affect you. This has nothing to do with you. This is mine. Telling him was mine. You took that shit from me. I make my own choices. If this goes badly Benicio, I'll..."

He gets back on his feet while I silently don't know how to finish my threat. My hands become fists and the urge for water to build up in my eyes rises. I hold back and stare him down with a hard gaze, "I'll decide when that happens. If that happens"

His lack of compassion snaps me. I'm not a violent person but I clock him just under the eye, "That's for punching him last time"

A tear comes out of my right eye as the anxiety settles in and I'm aware I'm in school. Benicio doesn't make a move to hit me back. He just clutches his cheek, bearing with the shock of pain and the sudden throbbing in his face.

"So assertive. I'm proud of you Mateo. Finally owning up to something. Bold announcement. I'm just wondering if you're going to say that when Ma asks what the fuck is going on"

My shoulders droop.

"You think everything is going to be fine? Nothing is going to change? She'll never let it go, Mateo"

I'm at a loss for words. I can't argue with our parents. He knows I can't. I don't ever have the courage. He knows it wouldn't change her.

He laughs dryly and bitterly, "You gonna say the same shit? You're gonna do this for some guy? Go ahead. Do it. But I suggest eloping before Ma gets to you"

Jasper frowns, demoralized and crushed. He's not just some guy. That's your best friend.

Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't give him that power. Don't cry.

"Even though I didn't want to choose..." Jasper doesn't finish his sentence and stands closer to me, "...If it weren't for what you did to him, I'd still try to be with him. I'd still try to be your friend. But not anymore, Benicio"

I feel panic come over me and the strong urge to sob. Benicio can say whatever he wants but I'm not going to let him see me cry. I can at least have that. So, I bolt for the car. Jasper follows behind me.

I don't look him in the eye when I say "Get to class, Jasper" If i did I know I'd break in front of him. I need to pull myself together.

I get in my car, turning the key and leaving him behind.

I hate this feeling. Not knowing what's going to happen or what to do. Nothing feeling right. Always uncomfortable in my own skin. Constantly anxious. I don't know how to fix this.