Knock Me Down - [COMPLETE]

38 - The Apology

This thing is so close to being done that I just wanna get it finished already, so double update today to get closer to the end.

Anyone here feel like they're one breakdown closer to dropping out of school?? :^))

I put translations in the comments!!!
—

Connor at the worst time texts me asking me to come to the club on Saturday. I leave it on read, not particularly in the mood to be in a crowded public space when my life might be pulverized in the next few minutes.

I rush to the window and don't see my dad. Instead, it's my mom. She's alone and empty handed.

"It's Ma" I say out loud from shock.

"Huh?" He stands, mildly alarmed, "Ma?"

My jaw clenches and I glare at him, "Did you tell her too?"

"No. I only kind of told dad. He must've–"
My hands tremble terribly that not even closing them in tight fists helps, "God, Benicio, you–I can't...I can't believe you'd do this to me"

When she comes in, my mom looks like she's been crying.

"...Amá?" I tread softly and carefully, maybe she doesn't know, "Que tienes?"

"Sit down, mijo." I sit at the couch and my brother goes to leave but she stops him sharply, "Siéntate, Benicio!"

"Porque, que hice?"

I want to punch him in his other eye.

"¿No te hice cuidar de tu hermano ahora que ambos están en la universidad? ¿Cómo pudiste dejar que tu amigo, mejor amigo, fuera así con Mateo, eh? Siempre sin enfoque. ¡Es por eso que solo pagas la escuela! Pero es mi culpa. Por no estar aquí. I shouldn't have been away for so long, damn it"

"Ma, no es asi. He didn't know. I hid it from everyone. I did it alone"

"¿Crees que eso me importa? Jamás lo volverás a ver" She turns to face Benicio, "Dile adiós a tu amiguito porque ya no quiero saber que sigues con el"

"Pero—I didn't—" Benicio doesn't fight my mom like he does with me. He submits quickly, "...he isn't. Ya no es mi amigo"

She huffs wiping her tears that were streaming down her chin, "And I thought he was such a good influence on you two. All this time...this is my fault"

"I haven't done anything wrong, Mamá. You're acting like I'm doing drugs and got some girl pregnant"

She looks appalled, "At least you would've been normal. Sigue así y te quito las llaves, tu celular, y hasta el deporte. Te pongo a trabajar para que pagas todos tus intereses solo. Si no tuvieras becas te lastimaría como has lastimado a esta familia. Yo misma te llevaré a donde tengas que ir si es necesario, solo para asegurarme de que no estás cometiendo los mismos errores"

She lets out a winded and tremorous sigh, "You've never had too many friends. It makes sense la facilidad con la que pueden manipularte" She starts weeping again, she wasn't hysterical but crestfallen. Like I did it to hurt her.

I touch her elbow and try to hug her, "Amá, por favor, don't cry for me. I know you don't like this but you have to try to understand. Lo quiero. No one pressured me! I'm grown. I'm not a baby anymore. I wasn't 'persuaded'. No one put some spell on me. I made this decision naturally. Out of me. From me. Why are you crying if it makes me happy?"

She pushes me off of her, "You think it does! You don't know what should make you happy!"

"Ma, you can't make me do anything. If I want to be with him, I will. No one can stop me"

Her face becomes hard and bitter as she sticks out her hand, "Mateo. Llaves. Celular"

"Ma, but—"

"Dame tu celular! Y tus llaves. No me hagas repetirlo."

"Ya soy un viejo, adulto en la escuela. You can't take my things away like that anymore and expect me to change for you. You can't keep punishing me like I'm fifteen. You always expect all these exceptionally high things from me and I do my best to give them to you but whenever I take my own liberties I'm suddenly un niño apenas viviendo"

She snatches my keys and phone away.

"Ma...por favor..." I get this insurmountable impulse to bawl.

"I'm so disappointed. Disgusted even. Arruinaste todo. I can't believe it. Ni siquiera quiero mirarte a los ojos. Espero que cambies como eres. Do you even feel sorry?"

"I feel sorry you see me this way. That you hate it so much that you'd say that"

Another tear makes its way down her cheek, "Your dad and I, one of us is going to stay here again. Someone needs to watch over you. Both of you. Properly. Or maybe..." She stops, coming up with a better idea to her, "I want you out the house. You're moving to your grandma's. Your uncle can take you to school. Maybe that'll teach you some discipline"

It doesn't matter to me if I'm in my grandma's house or this one, it's not like they're ever home.

"You're kicking him out?" Benicio asks. I don't know what he expected, but I know I didn't expect a hug and a kiss.

She ignores him, "How long was this happening?"

"I don't know. Awhile" I swallow the lump in my throat, "Perdóname amá, no quise hacerte daño. No quería dañar..." I stop, not knowing why I'm apologizing. But I've never liked seeing my mom cry. Whenever she did, it made me feel awful. Like I failed. Sometimes it even made me cry.

She closes her teary eyes and lets out a noise in frustration wiping her face with the neck of her shirt, "Pack your things."

Starting to weep again, she takes her leave quickly and quietly.

I touch my cheeks. I didn't realize I was crying myself. I try to slow my heart rate while I go up the stairs and start packing my shit together, so I don't fall into a panic attack. Living with one homophobe sounded better than two. But the more things I put into the suitcase the more a feeling of emptiness consumed me. I almost didn't give a fuck.

"I didn't know this would happen" Benicio comes into my room, sitting on what will no longer be my bed.

"Are you happy? What the fuck did you think would happen? Could you not tell how scared I was of them findin' out? You think they'd just give me a slap on the wrist and ground me? News flash, Hispanic parents don't ground you, they beat your ass, Benicio"

"I thought it was dad. I told him not to tell mom. I was just trying to spook you"

"Congrats, dickhead. You succeeded and some"

"I'm...Im sorry. I..."

I repress my urge to roll my eyes and just give him a black eye, "Benicio. One of the things I hate about you is how low of a person you become whenever you're angry. I don't want your apology. I don't care. It happened. Just...leave me alone"

"No, I'm sorry. I'm trying to...I want you to know more"

"I don't care. You've never told me anything and now it's okay to talk about someone else's business? Benicio, please let me pack up alone. I don't want to talk to you anymore. Not ever. Get out. You're a douche bag with issues. Get some therapy" I frown opening more drawers, "Fuck, I need it"

He's still on the bed not knowing what to do but he stands and mumbles, "You're not the first to say that to me today"