Summer of 2012 (CVS # 1)

10

School

That night, I ignored everybody in the house, all the notifications and texts I received, even Ate Alena. I was still fuming over our conversation.

Kung talagang may pakealam siya sa nararamdaman ko, bakit ngayon lang? I was at my darkest and lowest point of my life! I was discouraged and got carried away by my emotions because I was at my weakest point, I almost killed myself for it!

I suddenly received a text message from the guy who's been acting odd. What now? I rolled my eyes before clicking it. I couldn't help it, I was curious about what his text was.

From boy 1:

Hai, ayos ka lang? Narinig ko kasi sigawan galing sa inyo.

Pwedeng tumawag?

Nag aalinlang pa ako kung mag rereply ba ako o hihintayin siyang tumawag. Wala rin naman akong mapag kuwentuhan. Ang mga kaibigan ko ay may sari-sarili ring problema at ayaw ko na silang istorbuhin pa.

Hangga't maaari, hindi ako nag kukwento sa ibang tao lalo na dahil alam ko namang kaya ko pa. Pero kapag ganitong punong puno ang utak mo ng naiisip, parang kailangan mo rin ng tao, kahit isang tao lang, para makinig sa saloobin mo. I know I have friends, but I feel like I have no one to talk about this shit that goes on in my head.

My phone rang and I knew it was from Jairus. I unconsciously picked it up.

"Hello.. okay ka lang ba?"

That question made me blow up. If I don't speak about it, I'm storing it. And that gets heavy. Pag katapos kong mag pigil na hindi mag salita tungkol doon, nag rant ako sa kaniya tungkol kay Papa pero hindi ko sinabi kung ano ang rason kung bakit kami nag sigawan kanina.

"I'm in the process of moving forward! Tapos ngayon lang ako pag bibigyan? Kung kailan handa na ako?"

They all knew that. They knew that my life was fucked up, and I felt alone. I felt like my father left me hanging and that made my mind even more fucked up.

Sobrang laki ng trauma na binigay ng pangyayari na 'yon sa akin. Wala akong ibang hiniling kundi ang manatili rito.

Ngayon na unti-unti ko nang tinatanggap, ibabalik ako rito? Bakit ngayon pa kung kailan kaya ko nang bitawan ang tangi kong hiniling noon sa kaniya? If hurting me doesn't hurt him, he shouldn't ever tell me that he loves or cares about me.

I moved on without receiving the apology I know I deserved. I stopped lingering on those memories and pain that didn't build me. I've been so disappointed in my father that I forgave him and didn't say anything, but in my head I detached myself from him.

Yes, I know. I'm the daughter, the relative, or the niece you know with a little bit of a bad attitude because I don't allow adults to disrespect and invalidate me.

Am I overreacting? No. The truth is, I never expected to be this attached to this place. Nobody really felt sorry for doing the things I didn't want to do, they only blamed me for how I reacted.

"Hindi ko kasi alam kung ano yung pinag sigawan niyo kanina kaya 'di ko alam kung saan ako lulugar," Sambit ni Jairus. Kahit ako, 'di ko rin alam kung saan nga ba ako lulugar.

"It's alright. I just needed to vent it out. Thanks." That's all I said to end the call, but he started telling stories. His likes and dislikes, and such. I don't even know why I didn't end the call, I just listened to his storytelling.

Hinayaan ko na lang siyang mag kwento hanggang alas onse ng gabi. Hindi naman ako masyado nag sasalita. Kapag tinatanong niya lang ako ay doon lang ako sasagot, pagkatapos ay babalik siya sa pag kukwento at mag tatanong ulit.