She came here with me.

Chapter 49

It's been a month or two, today is the reaping of the 75th hunger games. I look into the mirror right in front of me. Lately with this pregnancy I've been struggling with body image problems. I haven't told anyone about it because it's already enough stress with these new games and the new baby. The only person that knows is Joanne. I trust her as much as I trust Cato. Don't get me wrong I would've told Cato but then he would feel bad and he is already dealing with so much that I just decided to keep it a secret.

I look in the mirror this dress I chose before I went into the hunger games. My older cousin (Joanne's sister) Madeline was supposed to get married and this was going to be my dress at the wedding but she called off the engagement when she found out her fiancé was cheating on her. Madeline and I are close but it's not like Joanne and I. She just lives her life the way she wants to and doesn't really think of others.

My dress is this long royal blue dress, I would wear it but sadly it doesn't look right with the bump in my belly. I am 4 and a half months pregnant. I just can't wait till this can be over so I can go back to looking how I used to look. I've been getting lack of sleep, I've been starving myself as well. I always loved this dress but the way it looks on me right now would make people judge me. I slightly burst into tears.

Cato is currently at the grocery store getting some food. He isn't home to hear me but even walls have ears and I can't afford anyone to know. I look in the mirror again and I start to cry more. Then I just feel worthless, I've been slut shamed for being 18 with a child on the way. Cato of course has defended me but he doesn't understand the pain.

I go over to my bed side table of the side of my bed and go into the drawer to see my favourite knife. The one Kate got for me when I was 9 years old. I go into the bathroom and look in the mirror again. I look at my body, then at my face. Oh don't I wished I looked like Kate. Everyone died to look like her, she was the perfect girl you could ever imagine to have. I look at my arms and the hold the knife to my wrist. I take a few deep breaths. Then just before I can even get the knife into my skin the door swings open. There was standing Cato. Great how am I going to explain this?

He looks me up and down, sees the tears in my eyes and on my face, sees the knife in my hand next to my wrist. He rushed up to me and knocks the knife out of my hand and the knife falls to the floor. He picks me up and hugs me.

"Clove what's going on?" Cato asks.

"Nothing I'm fine." I lie.

"Clove you aren't fine! I got home about 5 minutes ago and was taking out the trash and saw so many meals, you always look tired I thought maybe it was because of the child but it adds up with the meals, the gentle sobs coming from the bathroom and then you holding a knife to your wrist with tears streaming down your face, Clove why did you tell me? I'm always here for you no matter what, I wouldn't judge you. Please tell me what's going on, I'm your husband!" Cato says with tears starting to form in his eyes. How am I going to explain this saying I'm struggling with body image, eating disorder and depression?

"Ever since the bump staring to come out I didn't like the way my body looked. I was always the smallest in our grade and I guess I missed feeling like that. So I thought if I starved myself I would go back to looking like that. Then when I put on my dress that was going to be for Madeline's wedding and it didn't look the same as it did years ago I felt worthless and I just thought maybe if I were to add another pain that pain would go away. I'm so sorry Cato that I'm not good enough for you." I say sobbing.

"Clive you are everything to me, my world, the thing that motivates me to get up every day. You are not worthless and never will be. I love you with more than my heart and I always will. Clove your pregnant of course you don't look the same way you did when you were a teenager. That's because there is a mini us growing inside of you and that's what makes me so happy. Please just tell me that you won't starve yourself , you won't cut yourself and you will tell me if anything is ever bothering you or something happens?" Cato says softly.

I nod my head as Cato wraps his arms around me. I feel safe again and I feel like I matter.

The reaping is in 4 hours so at least that gives Cato and I some time just in case if one of us has to go back into the games.