Not Now

Part 1

AU story, set in modern day. Stevie and Lindsey are somewhere in their 20's.

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Lindsey's POV

I was so proud of myself, when I managed to drop the nasty habit of smoking. I smoked my first cigarette a lot later, compared to my friends, when I was 16 or 17 maybe. At first it was just a cool thing, the cool kids did, then it became a coping mechanism, when I'd get stressed out. About two years ago, I realized I was out of breath from walking several flights of stairs and it made me think. It wasn't easy, but the fact we weren't doing too well financially, pushed me to be stronger than my nicotine addiction and quit, which also helped us save some money. 

Here I am, standing with an open window, leaning over the windowsill. I have a cigarette in one hand and I'm spinning a lighter with my fingers in the other. It was the first thing I could think about, when Stevie left. I'm already disappointed in myself, when I put the nasty thing in between my lips and shield the flame from the lighter with my hands, taking a long drag. I feel lightheaded for a second, but I quickly get used to that familiar, disgusting pleasure and smoke slowly, in complete silence surrounding our apartment.

I pretended to be asleep, when Stevie woke up in the morning. She tried to be quiet as she went to the bathroom, then returned to gather her things, before she walked out the door. I don't think she ate or even had a cup of coffee. I wish I was sleeping, I'm exhausted. My shift starts in a couple of hours, but I don't want to go. Good thing my job is pretty much stress free, although, I've never thought that I'd work in an organic food store. The owner has practically given everything over to me except for the keys. She's nice, but she's getting old. She tends to forget things and she's struggling with basic chores at home, so sometimes I help her out there, too, which earns me some extra cash. Grace doesn't have any family left.

Knowing that I will most likely regret it, I light up another cigarette, watching people, cars passing by. I can't say that I'm unhappy, but I thought my life was going to be different at 27. I honestly believed that Stevie and I would be married by now, but that's a touchy subject. For some reason, she's terrified of commitment. However, for a couple, who've been together for the past 6 years, that just doesn't make sense to me. In my opinion, we're already a married couple, minus the wedding rings. I hoped to have children, too, a child. My eyes suddenly glaze over with tears, but I rub them out, taking a deep breath.

Today has felt like the longest day in my whole entire life. My work hours seemed to have doubled and glancing at the time every few minutes didn't help. I was relieved, when the shift ended at last. Before leaving, I tidied up the store a bit, said goodbye to Grace and left. She's always there, our regular customers are some of her oldest friends, so she's always there. 

I choose the longest path home as I walk with my hands in my jeans pockets, my head hung low. I wonder if Stevie's home or if she has already left for work. She's a bartender til late Monday to Wednesday, then she goes to work in a record store on Thursday and Friday. She used to work as a bartender full time, but her boss's friend needed a job, who took some of her hours away. I told her, we could manage, she didn't have to find another job, but Stevie has never ever listened to me.

I turn the key in the lock and push the door open. I hear movement, Stevie's still home. I find her in the kitchen and it doesn't look like she's going anywhere tonight. She's sitting at the kitchen table, wearing one of my old t-shirts, that is too big for her, a cup of tea in her hand. I approach her from the back and kiss the top of her head, placing my hand on her shoulder, squeezing gently.

"It's done." She says, sounding tired.