Not Now

Part 2

Stevie's POV

~

I'm glad to be home alone. I know that Lindsey's doing everything out of the goodness of his heart and care, but for the past few days I've felt like I'm being suffocated. Now that he's at work, I've decided to draw myself a bath, hoping it might relax me. I light up an incense stick and pour some lavender bath salts into the water. I undress myself and get in, submerging my body completely up to my neck. I inhale deeply and close my eyes, feeling the hot water starting to relieve some of that built up tension. 

I haven't gone to work a single day this week. Since it's Friday, I should be at the record store, helping customers pick out, which vinyl they might enjoy better, all the while grinning from ear to ear. I can't do that right now, I just can't. Thankfully, both of my bosses aren't complete assholes, so I've been given some time off. I know that nothing will change, when I stand behind the bar on Monday, mixing a cocktail. At least, by then I might be able to fake a smile.

I feel extremely guilty. Lindsey would never admit it, but I think that he blames me too for terminating the pregnancy, which was ultimately my decision. It's not the time. When I bring a child into this world, I want to be able to offer them everything that I've never had. I want to have a steady job, I don't want to have to rely on tips. I want to live in a beautiful home, not in this shitty apartment, Lindsey and I have been renting for a couple of years now. I want to feel secure that I can provide for my child. We've only recently stopped living from paycheck to paycheck. If I stopped working, we would have to choose, what's more important; a roof over our heads or dinner on the table. It wasn't a decision I made easily, my God, it hurt to even think about it. Lindsey and I talked about it day and night, it was really the only thing we talked about for days. He swore that we could manage, he said, he'd get five other jobs if he had to, but that's just unrealistic. I know that he wanted that baby and so did I. I know that I've hurt him, but he pretends he's fine. He tries being more concerned for me to mask his own feelings, but I see right through him. 

And we're completely alone, our families live far away. Despite how independent we might want to appear, we would still need help, but there's no one to help us. It's been the hardest decision I've ever had to make in my life, but... we're still young. We'll have another chance if there is going to be a 'we' in the future.

The water has gone cold and I get out. I stayed in the bath far longer than I had intended to. I realize that, when I hear Lindsey coming in through the door. I redress myself and walk out of the bathroom, tying the sash of my robe. I give Lindsey a small smile, following him in to the kitchen, where he puts down a bag of groceries. When his hands are free, I reach for them and locked them on the small of my back, my arms wrap around his neck. 

"How was your day?" I ask, pecking him on the lips. I can't say he's very responsive.

"Fine." Lindsey replies and lets go of me, walking out, leaving me by myself.