Not Now

Part 17

Stevie's POV

~

I sent Lindsey a message. I don't know, what I expect to happen, I don't know, what he wanted to say to me, but I can't stop thinking about him. I'm sure it's really unhealthy for us to be communicating with each other right now, but I just... I miss him. I didn't ask him to get back together, I just asked, what was he going to ask me. Innocent enough. I think.

I'm glad that Brandon is already in bed, the door to his room is closed. Otherwise, he'd know that I'm nervous about something, he'd ask, then shake his head at me, when I'd tell him. I pace around the apartment, walking in and out of my tiny room. It used to be empty space, before I'd moved in, but Brandon bought a bed and a small dresser. It's enough for me, but the one thing I would like to have is a damn door. I value my privacy. 

I'm not allowed to be upset about my missing door much longer, when I receive a text message. It's from Lindsey. I mean, it must be. I grab my phone with shaky hands and see Lindsey's name.

'Can I call you?'

Oh, God... If we texted instead, I'd have more time to think about my answers, but-

'Yeah.'

I get into bed and lie down under the covers, on my back. Staring out the window, I wait for Lindsey to call me and I pick up immediately, when he does. 

'Hey.'

'Hey.' I reply, waiting for him to say something.

'Did you get home safe?' Lindsey asks and inhales something sharply. I hate that he's smoking again. 

'I did, yeah. You?' This small talk is painful, but it's clear to both of us, I think, that we're simply afraid to talk to each other.

'Mhm.' He responds, blowing the smoke out. 

'You shouldn't smoke, Linds.'

'You can hear that, huh.' He chuckles lightly and I smile. 'I know I shouldn't.'

'Are you going to answer my question?' I refer to my text.

'First, can I ask you something?'

'Go ahead.'

Lindsey hesitates, I can sense that. 'You're with Brandon, aren't you?'

'Well, I'm not with him, but I do live with him right now.' I just know how heavily that's laying on his mind. 'There's nothing going on between us, Linds, seriously. We're just friends.' Silence on the other end. I turn on my side and draw my knees up to my chest. 'So, will you answer me now?'

A heavy sigh comes through. 'I thought, we did good tonight. This was our first test of seeing each other after the breakup. We didn't argue, we talked. I guess, we did better than when we were actually together.'

'Spit it out, Lindsey.'

'Since we didn't get into an argument or anything like that, I was wondering if maybe we could, you know, see each other occasionally?' I can almost feel him holding his breath.

'Linds, I...' I sigh. 'Is that a really good idea?'

'Told you it was a bad idea.'

'Please, I feel horrible' And I do. 'I'd love to see you and spend time with you, but I just don't think we should. We're not going to be able to move on like this.'

'Understood.' He doesn't throw a fit, he doesn't disagree, which in a way is even worse. I've just hurt him again and I'd like to stop doing that. 'Well, that's all.'

'Linds,-'

'No, Stevie.' He cuts me off. 'I get why you're saying no and it's probably for the best. I just don't want to drag this conversation out. I'll survive.'

I half expected him to hang up, but he doesn't. 'You can reach out to me if you need to, Lindsey. Together or not, I'll always be there for you.'

I'm not completely sure, but I think I hear him sniffle and my eyes brim with tears. 'Goodnight, Stevie.'

'Goodnight, Linds. I lo-'

Now he hung up.