Not Now

Part 10

Stevie's POV

~

I spend about twenty minutes in the shower, but I just stood under the running water and cried. Lindsey didn't reply, when I said that we might need some time alone. I know that it came as a shock to him. I don't belive he truly understands, how bad our relationship has become. Yes, he's right to be suspiscious, because I spend the night at another man's place and, yes, we kissed. That was wrong of me, however, this is not the first time that Lindsey has accused me of cheating on him and all of those times before were baseless. 

With my hair wrapped in a towel and in a clean set of clothes, I come out of the bathroom and make my way into the kitchen. Lindsey's there, he's just staring into the distance through the window. I don't say anything and I hope he won't either.

No such luck.

"I can't lose you, Stevie. I won't." Lindsey adds, his voice sounding hoarse. He sniffles and wipes his face, before turning around to look at me. "To answer your question, am I happy, no." He finally admits. "I'm not and I guess, I haven't been for a while, but that doesn't change the fact that I love you with every piece of my heart."

"I love you too, Lindsey." I say. "But... I don't think that it's enough anymore." I shrug my shoulders. "We've been trying to get back on track, but we keep failing."

"Maybe we're not trying hard enough."

"Well, what else is there to do?" I ask, my frustration is growing. "We're not happy with our situation and we're not happy with each other.  We try, but nothing changes. I'm tired of you constantly accusing me of sleeping with other men, you've been doing that ever since we started dating."

"I've already told you that I'm afraid, I'm not good enough for you."

"And I've told you that I love you and I've loved you for many years. If you weren't enough for me, I wouldn't have stayed for as long as I have." My heart breaks, seeing him so defeated. "It's not about being good enough, Lindsey, you are." Against my better judgement, I approach him and place my hands on his shoulders. "It's just... maybe our relationship has ran its course." 

Lindsey shakes his head, his arms wrap around me and he pulls me closer. "I won't survive. I can't live without you."

"Yes, you can." I swallow back the lump of tears and close my eyes. "Maybe we're not supposed to have a happy ending together. Maybe our lovestory is just a tragic one."

"Steph, no." Lindsey cries, his face hidden in the curve of my neck as I hold him close, soothing him with my hand up and down his back. "You wanted time apart half an hour ago, now it sounds like- like you're breaking up with me..."

Am I? "The distance between us is too great, when we're together. I don't think, being apart will help close the gap."

Lindse lifts his head up and my heart aches, seeing the tears, rolling down his face. He's never been too good with expressing his feelings in words, so instead, Lindsey cradles my face in his palms and kisses my lips. The kiss hurts almost physically. My own tears spill, but our lips don't break apart. Things escalate quickly and we find ourselves in our bedroom. Clothes are shed in a matter of seconds and we fall into bed. I bring Lindsey on top of me and hold him as close as I possible can, when he thrusts his hips. Our lovemaking is emotionally painful, it's messy and needy. It's over fast and we're both left panting, gasping for air as I still hold Lindsey to my chest. 

After some time, Lindsey looks me in the eyes and I can see the hope in those ocean blues, which I love so dearly. I know that my words, I'm about to say, will absolutely crush him, but...

"We're over, Linds."