CRASH! the church doors slamming off their hinges onto the ground. BANG! the single gun shot fired into priest murrs skull and BOOM! the shadowy figures booty cheeks clapping as they release their poison.
the packed church all turns to face the figure as he steps into the light and his neon orange hair begins to glow. it's light draws them in hypnotising them all.
it's famous youtuber and part time taxi driver luke cutforthcrew.
he lets out a villainous laugh and screams "EVERYBODY, OUTSIDE NOW"
the crowd of guests slowly file out of the church in their trance.
luke stands in front of them with his very large mouth turned up into a smirk (😏)
"HALF OF YOU MOVE TO MY LEFT" He cackles "THE OTHER HALF, TO MY RIGHT"
"ON THE LEFT YOU ARE NOW KNOW AS THE FLEAS, THE RIGHT IS DONKEYS FOR GAY PEOPLE"
mcbeardy, chicken wif shoes, declan, george, alex leather and lee lee in a bottle all shuffle over to the left and join the fleas.
emily, Samsung - 17.6 Cu. Ft. Top-Freezer Refrigerator with FlexZone™ and Ice Maker - Stainless steel's, will joseph cook, callum, annie mac and ellen head to the right and join the donkeys for gay people (donkeys for short)
they begin their epic battle under lukes control, all being manipulated into attacking each other.
chicken wif shoes slams his nike trainer into ellen's clit!
will joseph cook grabs mc beardys nipples and tosses them into a frying pan with a little bit of garlic and oil (because yes, joseph will in fact, cook)
Samsung - 17.6 Cu. Ft. Top-Freezer Refrigerator with FlexZone™ and Ice Maker - Stainless steel's jams her new husband george's head right into her ice machine freezing it solid. as he pulls his head out in the perfect block of ice, the weight pulls him to the floor smashing lee lee in his bottle, setting him free.
even in here entranced state, emily's weak bowels cant hold in her flatulence. an eggy wind escapes her back door and wafts into declans eyes. his clouded vision block the sight of lukes magic hair breaking the spell.
"wha- what's going on" he looks around in a panic.
emily grabs him by the hair and slams his face into the ground. he cries like a little bitch.
declan army crawls back inside to escape the chaos, his sobs echoing through the architectural wet dream that is the church. luke stolls in behind him holding a large camera, recording declans tantrum.
"DELETE!" he cries
luke lowers the camera and snickers "you're gassy little girlfriend seems to have broken my spell, now i can't get you under my control again it seems i'll have to kill you"
declan gasps and does a roley poley between lukes legs and out the door. he sprints to emily and cries "PLEASE EMILY YOU HAVE TO FART, YOU HAVE TO BRAKE HIS TRANCE FOR EVERYONE! PLEASE BABE! PLEASE!" he shakes her as hard as he can but still she doesn't react. with her mind being controlled she can't even hear his pathetic whimpers and continues to karate chop annie mac.
declan falls to the ground and sobs.
annie mac sweeps her leg behind emily's causing emily to stumble and fall, her anus directly landing on top of declans nose.
the impact was so hard every bit of wind was knocked out of her. he wiggles and squirms trying to free himself but the stink is too much. it fills his lungs until they explode inside him, causing a chain reaction where every organ he has follows suit. soon he's just a sack of gooey body bits lying on the dirt, looking like a pale wet napkin.
lee lee out of his bottle laughs at declans tragic death.
declan uses the last bit of life he has to quietly whisper "if this is meant to be funny it isn't"
once lee lee has finished crying of laughter over declans death, he flys over to luke
"cats 💭" he says staring into lukes eyes.
the wisdom and poetry that lee lee speaks is too much for luke to handle.
"ARGGHHHHHHHHH" he whales
lukes eyes burst into flames, his hair turning into radio active goo which melts all of his bones as it drips down.
lee lee laughs at the little puddle of luke soup sitting at his feet. "my ginger little kitten you shall be left to simmer in the harsh english sun" he exclaims.
with luke being defeated, the wedding guests all snap out of their trance.
they all help each other up and brush themselves off.
"wowza i'm gonna be aching in the morning" george laughs. alex rolls his eyes and smacks him in his perfectly round balls "just one more for good luck" he says with a wink.
the gang laugh and hold each other in a warm embrace, then turn to walk into the sunset, not even noticing that declan is dead.
THE END
YOU ARE READING
A Farting Fantasy - Declan McKenna
FanfictionLife is mundane for 18-year-old Emily Vanita who was born and raised in a small town just outside of London, until one day when she gets a call from BBC Radio 1 that gives her the opportunity of a lifetime...
