Blissful Distraction [Attack on Titan Fanfiction]

Chapter 18: Blissful Distraction

Armin's POV

Finally, it's finished. I felt myself shake as I read the letter. I could hear her voice read it as if she was there with me. Tears already started to run down my cheeks.

Hey Armin,

I know that this seems like I gone crazy and decided to turn myself in and all of that, but there's more to it than you know. That's me, batshit crazy with secrets.

And I'm also sorry I couldn't say goodbye in person, or that I couldn't tell you anything in person. It was just too much for me to handle. I know this is no substitute for talking face-to-face, but I was running out of time.

I'm assuming that you already know of my past crimes.

Something you have to understand about me was that I was a severely messed up child. It was because of the ideas my father implanted into my head. He told me that compassion was weakness... that killing someone who wasn't loved was doing them a favor.

But as I grew older, I realized it's not. I wasn't doing anyone a favor. I was murdering people, no matter if they were hated or struggling. They deserved a chance to live, and I took it away from them.

I realized this was wrong. I didn't want anyone to die because of me, but Eagan and Jonathan... they wanted to die. And I couldn't bare to do it. I nearly lost it when I killed Eagan. Frankly, I did when it was Jonathan.

The guilt would haunt me in my dreams. That's why I was barely able to sleep, and that's why I was on the roof with you those nights. It was because of nightmares from my past.

I realized that I was a bad person. And bad people have to be punished. Well, I requested to be tortured by a specific person. By my father.

Why I would just throw my life away, was because I was going to die anyways. The night before I left for the military, he injected me with this toxin. I had roughly three years to live at that time. That was why it took so long for me to heal, and to be honest, I still haven't fully recovered.

So in a way, me falling for you was his fault.

My father did this because he wanted me to suffer. He had a negative outlook on life, and he taught that to me.

I just needed to tell him something in person. I needed to tell him about how I found out that life isn't how he wants me looks at it. I needed to tell him about you and how you can make my entire day just by making me smile. I want to let him know that I am proud that I realized the right way to live wasn't the way he wanted me to live. I needed to show him that I was more than a toy.

And the part of my life that made me realize that there was so much more is you.

I have to admit, no one has ever seen or made me that happy except for you, so feel special. ( I'm serious.)

That was why Jonathan didn't want you around me. He wanted to be the one who made me happy.

Maybe if I had been more open minded, I would have let him in and this wouldn't have been a problem. However, I was afraid to love. I was afraid because my father told me that love was pointless. Nonexistent.

When I realized I had feelings for you. I tried to push them away. I knew of the limited time I had left, and I didn't want to waste it by loving another human being. I was afraid that having affectionate feelings towards another person would only lead to suffering.

And believe me, it did. It pains me to say goodbye. I don't want to leave. I want to stay here and die by your side, but my mind is made up. I don't have much time left at all and I will decide what to do with it.

Armin, you are a very special person. You might be the most intelligent human being I know. By the time you read this, I'm probably already dead and forgotten by many; unknown by even more people. But you, you have a chance to change the way we live now. Take that freedom you feel whenever we watched the stars and use it to fuel your determination to change the world.

I know it's a lot to ask, and it is quite a delusional dream, but you have a chance to leave a lasting impact. I left nothing more than a footprint on the ground.

But no matter what you do, please remember me. Even if my existence wasn't significant, being forgotten meant that my life meant nothing. You were the best thing that happened to me.

Before I end this letter, I need you to remember three things in life, Armin:

1: Even if nothing is going the way you planned, you can always talk to me. I know you probably won't see me, or even believe that I'm there. But I promise, I'll be listening.

2: Please don't mourn over me. I don't want you to see you upset. I want to see that amazing smile of yours and I can't bare to see you cry.

3: Remember that I love you.

I'm sorry if this sounds cheesy to you, because it does to me, too. But this is how I feel.

Whenever I am with you, it's like nothing else exists. You are my night sky with stars that dance to a lively tune. You are my summer breeze while I sit under the shade of a tree.

You are my my escape from reality.

I'm so sorry that I had to go so soon. I can only hope to see you again one day.

Goodbye, Armin.

And thank you, for being my blissful distraction.

Your flower,
Delphinium Hale

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END