symbiosis » levi ackerman

chapter eight ; melancholia.

Fallan

Erwin didn't utter another word to me, so I took it as my cue to leave. I felt as hollow and as empty as the corridors I walked. I tried to calm myself, desperately reaching to pick up the broken pieces of my heart and mend them back together. I couldn't let myself break, not now- not ever. Not while the murderer of my brother still walked free. I cursed myself for being too damn weak. I remembered the two military police mentioning something about the underground, and I visibly shuddered. I had been to the underground once with my father on business, and it was a horrifying place. The atmosphere was bustling, but not alive and jolly like the markets of Mitras. Everyone was in a rush, but it was almost like they were hurrying to escape. The streets were dark, lit only by a few lamps. I remember the feeling of the air - thick with damp and the stench of poverty. There were children huddled together, tucked up into corners, sharing blankets and mouldy bread between them. The sights I had witnessed that day had stuck with me forever, and I had vowed never to return to that hell-hole. If Kenny was from the underground, I could only imagine what he was like.
It sounded prejudiced, I knew, but it was the truth. Often people fled to the underground as outlaws, or because they couldn't afford to live on the surface anymore. The area wasn't properly policed, so crime was rife.
I snapped out of my daydream, and realised I'd ended up at the stables. I hadn't even noticed the feeling of sun on my skin, too caught up in my own whirlwind of emotions. I hoisted myself back onto the ledge I'd become so familiar with over the years, and looked out onto the grassy hills. The sun beamed down and the wind rustled through the trees, it was a beautiful day. And yet, to me, the world outside seemed dull. I felt like something had been extinguished inside of me; there was no passion anymore, no rage, just emptiness. I pressed my forehead against the wooden beam and sighed shakily, wrapping my arms around myself. It brought me no comfort.
I felt a presence behind me and then heard someone clear their throat. I tensed immediately, not bothering to turn my head. I didn't want to know who it was.
"I knew I'd find you here." came a familiar voice, almost hopeful. There was a hint of playfulness that tainted his words.
Benjin.
His presence in any other circumstance would've infuriated me after his performance the day before, and yet, nothing. I felt a hand on my shoulder, but didn't have the energy to shrug it off.
"You wanna talk about it?" he asked. I shook my head in response and continued to stare out at the landscape ahead.
"The Captain told me. She heard from Levi," he began, and I turned my head to face him. News travels fast.
"So, I see my brother's death is everyone's business now." I had intended for my words to come out violently, but they fell flat. I sounded exhausted, pathetic even to myself. Benjin's eyes widened in immediate regret.
"N-no no, nothing like that Fallan, he was worried-"
I cut him off with a scoff and turned my attention back to the skyline. Levi Ackerman, worried? About me? Ridiculous.
I internally cringed at myself, I didn't know why I was acting so bitterly towards everyone. Deep down I knew I was projecting my feelings onto everyone else, but I couldn't stop it. I wanted to run into Benjin's arms and cry, but I simply wrapped my arms around myself tighter. I'd never been one of those people who believed emotions made you weak - if anything I believed they made you stronger. Being hurt reminds you that you're human, but I couldn't help it. I had to isolate myself this time. My head told me I needed to be alone, but my heart screamed for another's company.
"Benjin, please. Just go." I felt my voice break once again, those walls I'd begun to build up to shut everyone out already crumbling. I didn't want them to fall down around Benjin. I didn't want pity, or sympathy. I didn't want to be viewed as weak by him, not when Erwin had already made it so clear that I was too frail and fragile to take on my brother's killer.
Benjin squeezed my shoulder softly once, then I heard the heavy footsteps of his boots crunching against the hay as he left. Once I was sure he had gone, I allowed myself to completely bring down the walls shutting me from my emotions. A crushing wave of sadness, fury and mourning flooded through me, squeezing the air from my lungs as I sobbed, burying my head in my arms. My body shook as grief wracked its way through my bones. I was completely and utterly heartbroken. I had mourned the loss of my brother for years, silently cursing his stupidity. I'd almost begun to believe the rumours of the town - his death was due to his own damn fault. And now, to find out that he had been murdered by some thug - it destroyed me. I felt regret for not looking into the cause of his death more thoroughly, and for believing the village idiots. I was furious that the military police hadn't figured this out sooner, and for allowing Kenny to roam free all these years. But mainly, I felt sadness. Huge, incapacitating torrents of sadness. My Edward, my sweet, caring Edward didn't die.
He was killed.