symbiosis » levi ackerman

chapter nine ; animosity

Fallan

Minutes.

Hours.

Days.

Weeks.

All passed as quick as they came. I repeated the same routine day in day out.
Wake up,
Cry,
Go about my day as if everything is fine,
Get into bed,
Cry.
I was stuck in the deepest depression of my life - every minute felt meaningless. The quality of my work had taken a rapid decline, as had my appearance. I felt no motivation to shower, so my hair fell in thick greasy clumps. Spots had sprouted on my face, presumably from the dirt and stress. However, no one said a word to me. Even Hanji was careful around me, taking care in her words and not even engaging in small talk. Benjin had attempted to cheer me up for the first few days, but had stopped after he realised his efforts were futile. I felt awful, the guilt consumed me more and more each day. And yet, I couldn't drag myself out of the deep pit of sadness I'd fallen into. I loved my work, more than life itself. I couldn't even throw myself into that to distract me. I knew I should be training; getting stronger so I could eventually kill Kenny myself, and yet I couldn't.
My parents had written to me twice in the few weeks following the discovery of my brother's murder. I hadn't bother to reply - another thing I felt awful for. I should've at least written to them, or gone to see them, but I just couldn't.
Thankfully, Levi had decided to keep his distance. I caught him staring in the mess hall, on the rare occasion I'd turned up to meal times. My appetite had disappeared along with my usual zest for life. The nightmares had returned however, this time visions of a hooded figure looming towards me appeared in my dreams. Usually they'd end when I died, and I'd wake up screaming. I'm sure everyone could hear, but no one ever spoke of it.
The day had passed slowly, I dragged myself through my daily tasks, not engaging in any conversations. When the evening came, and I retreated to my room, I found a package had been slipped under my doorway. I took a sharp intake of breath and cautiously picked up the package. I half expected a wad of death threats for some strange reason, but it was a bundle of teabags. I recognised the scent immediately - camomile, valerian... and lavender. A rare smile tugged at the corner of my lips. Levi. A warm feeling pooled in my stomach - was it happiness? The feeling was unfamiliar, almost unnatural. I knew I'd have to find him and thank him, but I felt my heart pulled at the thought of it. Every time I'd met his gaze in the hall, I'd felt the cold fingers of dread grasp at me. I'd have to get over it soon, as Erwin had announced an expedition would commence in a week. That meant I had a week to snap myself out of the mood I'd been stuck in. Levi, at the end of the day, was my superior, and he'd made a good point a few weeks prior - petty squabbling on the field was lethal.
It had been the first expedition since the Flagon's squad had been wiped - all dead aside from Levi. I couldn't imagine how Levi would be feeling, I knew the right thing to do would be to check in, and thank him for the tea. I sighed, and looked at myself in the mirror. I looked disgusting - I needed to shower.

I stepped into the shower, feeling the hot droplets of water wash away the dirt and grime that had accumulated throughout the weeks. I massaged soap into my hair and onto my body, the feeling of cleanliness welcome after almost a month of living like, well - a tramp. My mother would've had a heart attack if she'd seen me. I stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around myself, strolling into my room. For the first time in weeks, I took clean clothes from the cupboard, then turned to the mirror. My long, thick black hair hung down just above hips. I'd always hated it this length, it was impractical and annoying. I stared at myself, studying the long locks.
I reached for the knife on my cabinet and held them against my hair, just above my shoulders. Mother would kill me. But I didn't care.
In one swift motion I'd cut the left side of my hair, and it fell to the floor. I grinned at my reflection in the mirror, the lopsided chunks looked ridiculous. Another act of defiance against my parents to add to the list. I swiped again at the right side and watched it fall. It felt almost freeing.