symbiosis » levi ackerman

chapter twenty-six ; repercussions.

Fallan

After saying our farewells to Laurie, we made our way through the forest in complete silence. When we reached the carriages, Levi opened the door, stepped inside, then promptly closed it behind him. I stood there for a moment, eyes wide and mouth open slightly and heard Erwin sigh from beside me.
"That man has the emotional availability of a rock." I grumbled, kicking at the floor. 
"I would too if I'd been through half of what he had." Erwin spoke softly, and I looked to him in surprise. I'd never seen Levi and Erwin as the type to confide in each other, but maybe they were closer than they let on. 
"I'll see you back in Trost Lieutenant." 
"Have a safe journey Commander."
Erwin nodded and headed towards his carriage, leaving me stood outside mine and Levi's, dreading the route home. I wasn't sure where we were, but it looked like the outskirts of Ehrmich. That meant it would only be a few hours until we were home - I'd have to try and keep a lid on my bubbling anger. 
Pull yourself together Reid.
I sighed and opened the door, stepping in and settling into my seat opposite the brunette. I heard the horses whinny as we set off, and the carriage lurched into motion. 

We rode for about half an hour in insufferable silence, the lack of conversation making the short time span feel like hours. I'd stopped myself from making various different comments, ranging from sly remarks to angry rants.
You've really let yourself go. 
I remembered the times where I would always somehow manage to keep a level-head; it seemed like years ago now. Recently my emotions had been controlling me far more than I had them.  
Now, the quietude was unbearable, and I couldn't take it any longer.
"It's fine if you want to give me the silent treatment, but can you at least explain why?" I blurted, and immediately regretted my decision when Levi looked up to me in annoyance. 
"That would defeat the objective of the silent treatment." He replied cooly. I rolled my eyes at his statement and crossed my arms, slouching in my seat slightly.
"Dick." I muttered to myself under my breath. I'd hoped he hadn't heard, but clearly he had.
"Don't be such a child." He tutted, and my anger flared. 
"Me?!" I exclaimed, sitting upright, "I'm the child?"
I couldn't help but laugh, earning another glare from Levi. 
"I may be 'childish', but at least I don't kiss someone then ignore them." I chided, and watched as his expression changed from annoyance to a look similar to what a parent would give to a disobedient child. 
"Just because I haven't spoken to you doesn't mean I'm ignoring you Reid. If a cat barks does that make it a dog?" 
I let out another disbelieving laugh. 
"That makes no fucking sense Levi." 
He opened his mouth to reply, then closed it again and paused for a minute.
"Shut up." He muttered bluntly, "You always jump to conclusions." 
"Oh I'm sorry," I began, sarcasm lacing my words, "But I think my reaction is very much valid, considering last night's occurrences and your current attitude towards me." 
"For fuck's sake Fallan, it was just a kiss! Haven't you ever been kissed before?" Levi shouted, glaring at me once more. 
I shrank back in my seat at his harsh words and looked to the floor. 
"No, actually." I mumbled, "I haven't."
It was true, I hadn't. Between piano lessons and studies, I certainly hadn't had time to be interested in pursuing any type of romance in my childhood. That had only continued throughout my time in the Cadet Corps, and in the Scouts relationships were out of the question. I realised Levi probably thought exactly the same as I had - love had no place in the military. Of course, when I met Levi, my perspective on that had altered slightly, but the same clearly couldn't be said for him. 
I didn't want to look up and meet his gaze, but I could feel his eyes on me. 
"I'm your..." He paused and took a breath, "I was your first? I'm sorry." 
"Don't apologise. Clearly I just read into things," I looked to him, and saw his shocked and almost regretful expression, "Maybe you're right. I do jump to conclusions." 
Idiot.
I was furious for allowing myself to be hurt like this, but my anger didn't erase the sadness that pulled at my heart and the tears that were threatening to spill.
"No, look. Fallan, you don't get it." Levi reached over to take one of my hands, but I quickly pulled it away and looked at him angrily. 
"You don't get to play with my emotions Levi." I began, venom seeping into my words. 
"Maybe instead of always thinking about yourself, try putting yourself in my shoes for a change. Do you think this is easy for me?" He spat, and I shrank back once more, "Everyone I've ever loved has left, or died. I don't want to let you in Fallan-"
"You think I wanted to let you in? You think this is easy for me too?" I snarled at him, any trace of sadness replaced by fury, and he rolled his eyes. 
"Oh yes, I'm sorry - I forgot how difficult your life has been. How are your parents, by the way? How's Benjin, and the rest of your squad? Still very much alive, I take it." 
I laughed at him, and narrowed my eyes. 
"Do you feel better now?" I asked, my tone sickeningly sweet, "Do you feel all big and strong now that you've told me how shit your life is, and how good I've got it? I get it Levi. Trust me I do. People have died, and people have left, because that is what people do."
I paused, taking a breath in an attempt to calm myself down. It was futile. 
"I used to be exactly like you. I feared letting people in because I knew they were all temporary, but you know what? I let you in, despite all of that, and for some stupid reason I thought you'd done the same. I see now that it was my mistake, because I didn't recognise that you're too fixated on the past to move forward with your life. Levi, I am so, so sorry that attempting to love me was too much of a chore for you to even try." 
He looked to me for a moment, eyes wide. He looked like he was going to say something, but closed his mouth and stared at the floor.
Touché.  

A/N
Toxic romance is so much fun to write <3 
Firslty can we APPRECIATE Fallan's character development - stan bad bitty Fallan Reid I strive to be her. We'll ignore the fact I genuinely hated her character when I first started writing,  but now she's finally at the level of bad bitchery I want her at :')

Anyways I'm from the UK and we're currently in lockdown RIP but it's good bc it means hopefully I'll be able to update more regularly, you might even get another chapter or 2 out of me tonight who knows xoxoxox