Catching Fireflies

One

When I was a little girl, my dad would always take me out during the sunset to a small open area of grass to catch fireflies. It was an innocent time, where father and daughter bonded together over small flickering bugs that never ceases to pique your interests, no matter how old you might be. I would always get so excited, that I would end up chasing them too fast, and fall and scrape my knees. Some days I wore jeans and only got grass stains, others I wore shorts and made my skin all green and bloody.

But that never tore the excitement away from me, I would get right back up, and keep chasing after the small bugs in the sky until I could catch one and show my dad to make him proud.

My mom never liked bugs, and always stayed off by the house to watch with a warm cup of tea with a soft smile on her face. Liam being the boy he was, only cared for bikes and wheelies in the driveway. Whenever he decided that he liked to be my brother, playing basketball with him in the middle of the street were always good days. Sometimes he would get his neighbor friends to come over and join, and we would actually have teams and competitions.

Birthday parties were fun too. I never liked barbie's or playing dress up, instead I liked to find bugs and dig in the dirt, or pick up a basketball and see how many times I could make it into the basket. I liked playing with boys, because they never cried when I tried to show them a worm I found.

My childhood was innocent. Fun and exciting anytime I stepped outside on a sunny or a rainy day. Us kids made the best out of anything. Eventually, we went outside less and less, until one day, we all stepped outside one last time without ever realizing it was our last cherished memory.

We all got older. Liam found passion in video games and movies, the kids next door moved away to beaches and warmer winters, dad got a new job that kept him busy that we hardly go catch fireflies anymore, mom found comfort in a local women's group, and I keep myself busy with being the captain of the schools basketball team and friends or burying my nose in my sketchbook.

Our childhood selves slipped away from us, and our innocence disappeared as we experimented with boys, and counted to see how many cups of alcohol we could drink before throwing it back up. As rumors started and spread like wild fire and decided your whole high school career. High school began and suddenly you were meant to act older than your age.

I don't care for drinking, nor do I care for dating or sex. All I want was to catch fireflies with my dad again, to play with my old neighbor friends until our parents had to force us apart to stay inside for the night.

I like to think that I still held on to the childish part of me that still likes to go outside and play. As if I could never grow older than I was and still be a kid.

But that was forced away too.

Right after basketball season Junior year, I went to a party. I drank a lot. Or maybe I didn't. All I know that it was enough to make me drowsy. Someone drove me home that night, and in that car an unwelcomed hand slid its way up my legs without my permission.

They wouldn't stop when I said no.

They wouldn't stop touching me.

I was still clothed, but it felt as though they were tearing my skin apart until finally they jerked their hand away. I never felt the same since. I can't remember how I ended up in that car, how I got back into my bedroom, or who it was that took me home.

All I remember is whispering a name, that caused their hand to come to a halt. I think I said something else too, but everything from that night is a blurred blocked memory. I can still feel my heart beating out of my chest as if it were happening at this very moment.

When I told Maria about it, she said for certain it was Ashley Jones that took me home. It was the only explanation since it was his name that I whispered. He also knows where I keep my spare house key, and where my bedroom is.

I've avoided him since then.

Ashley Jones, my next door neighbor who recently moved into the once vacant house next to mine that once housed my old neighbor friends that moved away so long ago. He has a younger brother name Aiden, and two lovely parents.

When he moved in, I had found someone who still had a childish side like I did. He liked to sit outside, play basketball in his drive way, and even went out while it was dark to look at the stars.

We quickly became friends. We spent that entire summer bonding over silly things, and playing basketball with each other. I even took him to a secret hideout of mine that was just an old deer stand hidden in the woods behind my house.

It was as if our innocence never really left, just went into hiding for a while. My mom would invite his family over for dinner, and we would all play board games and eat snacks and talked without ever getting bored.

It was blissful until I was beginning to fall in love with him.

His smile was the first. Matched with his bright eyes, it was something that always made my heart flutter. I wanted to hold his hand so badly, to wrap my tiny hands around his and be the reason he flashed that cheeky grin.

I wanted to be so close to him, and enjoy more moments of sneaking out at night to watch the stars with him.

It all crashed down the night of that party. It shattered everything I knew, took everything I had left.

A year ago everything changed. I stopped going out to sit with him on his porch, I stopped sneaking out to watch the stars. I stopped leaving my bedroom window that was right across from his open, I ditched the nights we had his family over for dinner, and I hid.

Basketball in my front yard with Ashley turned into basketball with myself or every once in a while with Aiden.

I was changed, broken.

I'm scared and terrified of who I am now, because I can't be comfortable anymore in my own skin. I feel so disgusting and dirty but no matter how many times I shower I can't wash the dirt away.

I don't even know what happened that night. All I have to go off of is theories and words from my best friend who is one of the few people I trust.

It's Senior year now.

A year till I can leave and disappear completely.

Or to figure out what actually happened to me.