Askeladd - Thorfinn x reader -

17.

Chapter 17.
a prayer

Thorfinn sat with his legs crossed as he observed the girl who sat beside him outside sharpening her sword. Ever since last night she hasn't spoken a word to anyone, which is odd because she would always strike up a conversation with Thorfinn. 

He was worried.

Her e/c eyes that he loved staring into because he could read whatever she was feeling through them were empty. Whenever they made brief eye contact he felt like he was looking straight into a hollow shell. Even when he touched her she would move away, even when he just barely reached out. 

Her medium length h/c hair was pulled to the centre of the back of her  head into a small ponytail, some lonely thin strands of hair at liberty. Since her dirty hair was pulled back, it was easier to see her full face. That is to say, like the small scar she had right above her eyebrow that wasn't visible when she had on her helmet or when her hair was down. 

Her s/c cheeks appeared rosy because of the cold air that pinched them-- her nose, Rudolph. 

He thought she was so pretty, being able to see her face better now that her hair was tied back, but something was missing. 

Her ravishing, heartwarming toothy grin. 

He knew winter was her favourite season, he knew how much she liked the snow. It was always this time of year Y/n was the happiest, also the times where she would bug him the most. The only difference this year is that they would be in Denmark, not an english farm village. 

Thorfinn could tell Y/n saw Bo as her little brother, and he was curious to know how she was taking it all in. One would assume she was mourning the death of a loved one. 

Thorfinn was wiping his dagger with a wet rag, the other one stabbed into the bench they were sitting on. The dagger was in between Thorfinn and Y/n who sat a good distance from each other. 

He finally looked away from the female and onto the three who were praying at the grave of the dead villagers. 

On their knees in the snow, the ale-loving priest, Ragnar, and the prince bowed their heads in prayer. 

"Are they bored, or just assholes? You've got better uses for your time than praying for others." Thorfinn commented his thoughts aloud as he spoke to himself, what he didn't know, was that his comment really made Y/n think. 

Ever since she was younger, even though she never believed in christianity, she always thought maybe there was a god.

She suddenly stopped sharpening her sword. 

'god can you hear me?'  Y/n thought as she looked up to the sky, 'are you real?' 

'If you are, and you made everything there is.. Why did you create war? Why did you create jealousy, pride, hate... Why did you create humans? And if you are all knowing, why do we have to pray when we need something, when you already know we need it? I'm lost.. I feel as if I'm throwing my life away. And there is something wrong with me..'

'If we are created in your image, I can't help but wonder what went wrong with me. The inside of me is broken. I have no purpose. My clouded head is the home of demons who whisper things to me at night and cause me to imagine things. Please make them go away.' 

'You live in the past, present and future. So is my life already fated? From the moment I was brought into this world, was I already destined to go to either heaven or hell? Why was Bo killed before he could even have a chance? If you knew Ama was going to be beat that day, why didn't you prevent it from happening?' 

'Sometimes I feel as if I were some kind of mistake, almost as if you accidentally put a broken soul like mine on this planet. Thorfinn will soon follow in his fathers footsteps, Canute will soon grow strong minded and become king.. Meanwhile I'll still be walking in a circle instead of forward.' 

'What will I do? Should I take off my disguise? Should I stop trying to live out my mothers dream? But what would I be left with? What will I spend the rest of my days doing? Would I find a husband, marry, have kids maybe? But is that something I want to do..? What if they come out as broken as me?' 

'You took away the only one I looked forward to seeing when I would return to Jutland before I could even meet him. The only one who didn't see the blood on my hands, one who seen me as his hero. Or at least I would've been his hero... huhh... Even just think about the fact that Bo was never really hear makes my heart ache-- and my head pound.... And the whispers taunt me..'

'I want it all to go away. The pain, the voices, the headaches, the weird nightmares... Can you do that for me god?' 

Bringing her sword to her open left palm, Y/n dragged it across the skin forming a cut. Not even physical pain was enough to distract her from her emotional hurting. 

"Y/n what are you doing?!" 

Thorfinn reached out to grab her hand but she pulled it away only for him to reach for it again, this time faster than she could react. But instead of fighting against his surprisingly gentile grip, she let him hold her wrist. 

Her eyes stared directly into his brown eyes that were narrowed at the horizontal cut, she watched as he dropped his rag into the bucket of water, squeezing it out before dapping it lightly on her cut. 

His eyes left Y/n's hand for a second to make contact with her e/c orbs trying to see if she was in any pain before they blinked back down to her hand. 

'And about this one.. Why is it that every time he touches me all the voices disappear? His touch gives me the heebie-jeebies.. Not in a bad way though, like butterflies in my stomach. If I'm holding onto him it's always easier to fall asleep... Why is he the one I cling to whenever I'm overwhelmed with sadness..? You do know why right god?  I haven't the slightest clue.. But I do know I never use to get like this. It started that day when he tucked my hair behind my ears and told me not to cut it... This new feeling.. It's scary.. I thought maybe if I avoided his touch It'd help me... But I only crave it more. Could this be the feeling dad was telling me about? No...' 

"Stop acting like an idiot.." Thorfinn grumbled, ripping off a part of her cloak to wrap it tightly around Y/n's hand. After tying it in a small bow, he let go of Y/n's hand. Y/n brought the hand back to her lap as she stared at it. 

Thorfinn watched as the girls eyes became glossy, a tear sliding down her cheek. 

"W-What happened?! D-did I hurt you? Is it too tight?" Thorfinn suddenly panicked, Y/n wiped away the tear and shook her head quickly. 

'Damn god. I've also been crying a lot lately too. It's like I have no control over it.. Anyways.. Please heal my left hand.. I'm not sure how this works.. But through my left hand heal inside of me.. Mend my broken soul.. Or did I cut my hand for no reason? Oh god.. Does my voice even reach you? It's funny.. I used to hate you.. I hated you for taking my mom away from me and my father.. I still doubt you.. But look at me now.. You are the only one whom I can speak my mind freely.. So...' 

Thorfinn was surprised when Y/n suddenly held her wounded hand in his, his heart fluttered when he saw a small soft smile appear on her face as she looked up to the sky. 

And in her eyes, a small gleam of hope. 

'So god.. Why don't we be friends?' 

~
A/n: The last chapter was really bad so I just HAD to give you guys a better one today loool. 

Also, if this chapter offended you I'm sorry :( Everything in this book is all made up and stupid so please don't take anything I write to heart, I come from a christian family myself and don't mean to shame the religion in any way. 

I feel like the last chapter may have been a bit confusing.. If you have any questions feel free to ask I'll always reply <3 Love you guys! Happy halloween!