He's nothing but everything

Chapter 4 Deception

After three months of dating I find out that this guy was using me, and not in the way you think, yes he wanted to have sex with me, break my virginity and leave me hanging, use me for his pleasure because that was all he saw women as, toys to play with while he was bored, objects rather than a living being. If that wasn't hard enough to deal with I find out that he was also just using me to get to one of my friends, turns out he tried his hardest to get her number but he was unsuccessful on multiple occasions, this was before I came to this school so I had no idea that he was so obsessed with her, he thought why not get close to one of her friends so he get her number. Now her name was Sarah and she wasn't really one of my closest friends but we were familiar and I did have her number, she was pretty, if not the prettiest girl in school, she was pale white like vampire white with natural cherry red lips and rosey cheeks, she was also as slim as a Korean girl, if she had to visit Korea she would be considered one of the most beautiful girls there and everyone knows how intense Korean beauty standards are, he wanted her and not me, that stung like nothing else would, that feeling of not being enough is something I wouldn't wish upon my enemy, you can try to change yourself, you can be someone else, anybody else but you still aren't enough. Even after everything I went through, I believed him and all his lies. At the end of the day I'm not this strong woman who can handle herself, I'm still just this naive little girl who believed this scumbag. He used to call himself bad boy, yes he was a bad boy, the worst actually, to use someone like that and feel nothing is absolutely inhumane, and what hurt me the most is that my so called "friend" Sarah found herself developing feelings for Kent, he took her number from my phone and I honestly have no idea when this happened or how he even had the chance to go through my phone and save her number, they had been having intense conversations all the while, he even went over to her house on multiple occasions, they went out and all this was happening right under my nose, how could I have not figured out that this was happening, how did I mistakenly think that this was a normal functioning relationship, where in my head was this normal. It was evident that I had absolutely not idea what a normal and functioning relationship was like. I found all of this out from one of Sarah's closest friends, she told me in confidence and I felt disgusted at first, like why would she make up such an erratic story, why would she want to hurt me, why was this even happening to me. All of this drama was confirmed when I randomly watched him, how he reacted to her, I never got such a reaction from him, he was excited when he saw her, he walked her to all her classes, and here I was blinded, where was I when this happened for a month, what was I too busy doing to notice this. That's still a question I ask myself, but I'm over it. I went up to him and ended things, with no reason and no explanation, he never questioned me because he knew that I found out and he didn't care. There were times when we would be chatting after school and he would randomly start messaging me lyrics to different love songs, at the time I thought that it was so romantic, his most famous song to send to me was a song by Tamia- So into you, my heart would flutter every time I saw those lyrics appear on my screen, " I really like what you've done to me, I can't really explain it, I am so into you." I would just listen to this song over and over, everyday and I would get so excited that somebody thought of me like this, someone thought I was special, all my life I have been used to being ordinary but now I was something special to someone, I'm not going to lie but that hurt.

I still think about people and what makes them do hurtful things to other people, I still think about Kent and what made him choose me, why hurt me, did I look like I could handle being hurt, did I look like I really needed someone to hurt me. In a way I'm glad that I found out, I was willing to go the extra mile and get physical with him because I thought that was what he wanted and what he needed from me. I was so very young at this stage and I learnt my lesson, I learnt that you can't just date someone for their popularity, or that no matter how hard you try to make excuses for someone if they don't love you nothing you change about yourself would ever change the way they feel about you, what hurt the most was that now I was left feeling inadequate, I felt like I was the one at fault, it was because I was ugly, she was prettier then me, she was thinner then me and she was whiter then me, I was not fair, I had tan skin and I wasn't skinny I had big boobs and a huge butt, I was already so self conscience, on top of it all I had a strict mom, so she didn't allow me to alter my school uniform like how the other girls did, so I was left with unfortunate looks and a school uniform which made me look like a dull and boring grandmother. It just gets worse for me.