He's nothing but everything

Chapter 9 A Void That Can Be Filled

Days went by, and my life was just an endless cycle of monotony, I did the same thing everyday, I stayed off social media and I just stopped imagining all the worst possible scenarios, the whole situation that passed was now just a distant memory to me, I didn't want to try to make any sense of it because I would be wasting my time. I remember confronting Liam the next day, demanding to know what was going on, fighting for our friendship until at the very end I realized that I was the only one fighting, no one else wanted us to be friends, Liam himself didn't want to have anything to do with me, I was just a burden to him, some burden that he needed to get rid of so that he could have this beautiful life with his precious Viola. That was when I realized that whatever we had going on was over, and that hurt me more then any of the break ups that I had or would ever have in the future, I was certain of that. My mind became idle and still, I was literally numb to anything, I stopped all types of relationships in my life, because who wants to feel pain like that again, I knew that I definitely didn't want to feel like that ever again. I isolated myself because I couldn't afford to loose anyone else, and I couldn't let anyone else walk all over me.

I couldn't help but watch Liam and how happy he looked, the way he behaved with Viola, he wasn't feeling pain like the way I felt pain, he didn't look like someone who just lost his best friend, he looked like someone who had been freed from everything that tied him down, and I'm not going to lie, but that's when my heart just sank even more, just watching the way he laughed, not only with Viola but with everyone, yet he didn't even acknowledge my presence in the classroom, I was a mere memory to him, I was somebody that he used to know. There I was, outcasted and alone, sitting in the back of the class, all because I chose to shut down and shut everyone out, that's what I do. All my friends were busy having a good time but none of them even stopped to check on me, I wasn't my usual bubbly self, I hadn't spoken to anyone, I had my head down and I was focused on the worksheet in front of me, but nobody seemed to notice, I guess nobody really cared about me that much to notice, but I was too numb to even care about that.

After a few weeks I get a text from Aaron, just a random text, asking me how I was doing and if it would be okay to meet him at school during breaks just to hang out as friends. As lonely as I was I decided to decline his offer as I knew it was just going to be bad news, but Aaron being as persistent as he was insisted on meeting me at break time without my consent. A packet of my favorite chips in his hand and a cool drink that was his was of apologizing for intruding on my peaceful lunch break alone. His conversations were light and funny and made me forget all about the circus in my head, that's exactly what I needed, something that wasn't as messy or heavy, something that was meaningful and unproblematic. Very soon we started spending all our time together but not in a group as we usually did but alone, under the staircase. Just talking. That felt good, I wasn't one that liked people around anyways.

We started dating again, this time it just felt a whole lot more intense between us, he walked me home everyday, and now he even started coming into my house after school. This is the event that changed my life forever, and I still remember what a mistake I made and how I'll never be-able to rewrite my past.

During our winter holidays Aaron came over to my house to spend time with me, now I should have known that this was a bad idea, but at the time I was so full of teenage hormones that I totally ignored my better judgment. When Aaron and I hung out with our usual crowd Liam and Viola were always somewhere near as we all shared mutual friends, I would over hear Viola's conversations to Renè, she would tell Renè how Liam and her shared their first kiss and how Liam and her started to spend a lot more alone time together, I over heard everything, but I refuse to feel the pain, I wouldn't let myself, in my mind it was a competition now, I wanted to be loved even more then Liam loved Viola, so I was determined to get this love from Aaron. I wanted to get more love from Aaron and I wanted him to show me this love in-front of Liam and I wanted to gloat about this special kind of love in-front of both Liam and Viola.

Everyday Aaron would come over to my house and we would make out, the sessions would be intense but we would never go any further then kissing. On this specific day he thought it would be a good idea to bring along a bottle of alcohol with him. I was this typical Virgin Mary, I never drank or smoked, my first time drinking was actually with Liam and that was it. So with that memory in my mind of my first time drinking being with someone who I now knew didn't care about me at all I had decide to change that memory, I was going to drink again and this time it was going to be with someone who cared enough about me to stay in my life. I told him that I'm not to comfortable with drinking because I hardly ever drank alcohol before, and that wasn't a lie. He assured me that it was not too bad and that we were only going to have a little for recreational purposes. He was persistent and adamant on me drinking with him and he has a way of making me do things that I really didn't want to do. I ended up drinking the entire bottle with him and one thing led to another, I ended up sleeping with him. It was the most disgusting moment of my life, in my fuzzy head all I could think about was to stop doing what I was doing, my mind was against it but my heart just couldn't stop, I was hurt and I needed something to fill up that void created, I needed something to take my mind off the heartbreak that I had just experienced, I needed to drown my sorrows and I knew in my head that I was going to regret everything tomorrow if not for the rest of my life, but how could I stop, nothing that he did felt good, it was uncomfortable and I could tell that Aaron had no idea what he was doing, but in a flash everything was over and I knew that nothing was ever going to be the same again, I had tarnished myself, I had cheapened myself, I had given myself away to someone that I didn't even love, I suppose I'd have to try and love him now because there was no way I'd ever leave him because of what just happened between the two of us. He had never really spoken about sex, he never initiated sex, but somehow he had a condom just lying around, it seemed crazy to think that Aaron knew that we would have sex, again the thoughts started to flood my mind, regret and anxiety, how could I just sleep with him, why did I even do it, how did I let this happen, all these questions ran through my mind but yet the answers were know were to be seen. The uncomfortable moment had past and we didn't end up talking about anything at all, we hadn't spoke about that day and what happened, we had just let it be, and hoped that things would just go back to normal, but it never did. This is how I got my heart broken, again...