Do you ever have restless nights where you just absolutely can NOT sleep to save your own life? You think about so many things at night when you are unable to sleep. A major thing for me being things that I need to remember to say to people about certain topics. It's almost as if I feel like my life is nothing more than a scripted dialogue. You think that you have all these lines that you have to run yourself through every night when you are trying to sleep, reminding yourself of the right thing to say in regards to being asked about certain things or just in regards to certain topics of conversation in general.
That's only the truth though isn't it? That seems to be pretty much how this whole thing works. We build up these high walls and in a sense just give ourselves a scripted social life all due to the fact that we want to avoid conflict or are too afraid of being too open. We're afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing all the time and it terrifies us.
For me personally, when I get put on the spot in a situation with someone where something happens or is said that I don't really know how to react to, I feel so defenseless. I hate to say it, but it really genuinely is the truth. I feel defenseless sometimes and hate feeling like there's nothing I can possibly do about the way that I feel. All it makes me do is build up these fences of mine to try to block people out as much as I possibly can because I get so utterly afraid of opening up to people.
It's almost as if when I do open up to people it always seems to backfire on me quite a lot. I'm not too sure why that tends to happen to me so often, but it truly sucks. You get to a point where you HAVE been so open with a select few people only for it to backfire and it makes you not ever want to open up to anyone ever again. It makes you lose faith and lose trust in people so as I have already said, you put your walls again and it's nearly impossible for you to let someone break them down again. There are so many things that we WANT to talk about or open up about but we feel like we can't because it'll just backfire on us again or we will be shot down for it.
Life just isn't in my favor too often I guess.
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peace of mind
Phi Hư Cấuit's kind of like a journal. you're living rent free in my mind as long as you read this.
