atychiphobia
(n.) fear of failure; fear of not being good enough
Anxiety is for a fact, very, very, real. I struggle with it every single day of my life. I constantly get all of these overwhelmingly negative thoughts in my head or think that I have to try to make things as perfect as possible. I have really bad nervous ticks or anxiety ticks that I don't even realize that I'm doing until after I have done it. Things such as, biting around my nails, licking my lips a lot, pulling on my eyelashes. Those are all anxiety ticks that I struggle with and have yet to figure out how to make myself stop.
Something that I have grown to learn about myself here recently is that I am very into organization. But at the same time I am also so picky about things being a certain way. I HATE clutter and huge unorganized messes. If things aren't corelating well, it bothers me so bad I can't see straight. Everything has to be a certain way.
Today for example, I literally spent about two hours in the kitchen at home by myself while my parents were at work solely just cleaning out the fridge and the freezer. I went as far as taking every single thing out of there and wiping it out to checking expiration dates on EVERYTHING, even if I knew that we had just bought it just to throw away all of the old food and leftovers that had been in there for god only knows how long. THEN I went as far as rearranging the whole fridge and freezer, making specific shelves and spots for every category of items in our fridge and freezer. TWO WHOLE HOURS DOING IT. The main reason that I even did any of that was all due to the fact being that I wanted something I did to be something that was good enough for my parents to actually appreciate it.
All of that is an anxiety thing due to constantly feeling like I am not good enough and that nothing I do will ever satisfy or be good enough for anyone.
On top of spending two hours doing all of that, I also swept and cleaned all of the floors in the house three times today, because no matter how many times a day I sweep the floors, my mom always complains about them. Did I mention, I then took the clean dishes out of the dishwasher that nobody had bothered to put up for like four days, put the sink full of dirty dishes IN the dishwasher ( as many as I could fit in there anyway), and then hand washed the rest of them.
I don't know if you would say that I am OCD or not, I'm not sure. But I like for things to be a certain way and for things to be neat. I just have this very strong lingering fear of nothing I do being good enough, so I constantly try so hard to be a perfectionist or to please people. (Plus I also just really love organizing things.)
YOU ARE READING
peace of mind
Non-Fictionit's kind of like a journal. you're living rent free in my mind as long as you read this.
