In The Pursuit Of Love

Hushed Helplessness

'You don't realize, but in your loss is a gain. Cause your Rabb, the lord of the worlds has ordained that for you.' - Anonymous

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Mehreen had left, but her words still lingered in the air, which had started turning thick with all the chaos in his mind. He didn't know what he'd do or what answers he would give to the questions of his parents after Mehreen's nikah. Technically, Nargis should leave after her friend's nikah, but she had no safe place to go. That was the reason he had brought her here in the first place. And he wouldn't let her go unless and until she is out of this mess or she finds a place where his heart would be at peace.

But what would he tell his parents? Will it put Nargis in a tight spot? And will she want to stay?

It wasn't like he hadn't thought of all this when he had suggested the idea. Yes, it was out of the blue, but he had all of this in his mind, and it was screaming at him to think through. But when ever Zeeshan Dyab had followed his mind. It was always his heart, he had listened to and at that moment all he could think was that a person needed help and saving.

He was having difficulty breathing. All these thoughts had left him exhausted over the bad day he was already having and were weighing him down.

On the other hand, it was his father. He had tried on each and every occasion to live up to his father's expectations, but had failed every time. Yes he knew, he wasn't all what his father had wanted in a son, he wasn't a responsible person, he had failed him once and he would continue to do so in the future. He was trying, by Allah he was trying. But he was tired and too hurt by the sour words of his father. It was as if, whatever he did was never enough for his father.

His father had wanted that he take up a job and settle in his life. But he couldn't do it. He wasn't the person who could live the nine to five job life. He was a free soul and wanted to become a cricketer. But it didn't mean that he hadn't tried it. He had landed a decent job as per his qualifications, though it didn't stay for long and had left it before even a month could get completed.

He kept having these thoughts while washing the dishes he had earlier ate in, making the process slow down. His heart constricted inside his chest and he knew that he had to bow down to his Lord in order to feel peace within himself.

He slowly ambled towards his room, but some strained voices in the otherwise quiet surrounding made him want to stop in front of his parents' room and so he did.

"Did he have dinner?" it was his father's voice. Her mother replied in a soft tone, as she always did,

"Yes Mehreen gave him the food"

A few minutes silence followed and again his mother's soft voice reached his ears.

"Why are you so harsh towards him all the time? You knew he was out for some work related to marriage. He is trying Adil and you know that too. I know you are concerned about him and you care about him a lot. Why do you always behave like that when you are so worried about him?"

"I know Aamina. I know he is trying and I know I am being too harsh on him. I..I just don't know till how much time he will be stuck on the past. You think I like doing that to him? I hate it. But do you think if I am not being this strict on him, would he even try to mend his ways. He still holds himself accountable for what happened eight years back, for what happened to Mehreen, though it was him who ended up battered in the hospital. But since that incident, he thinks that he isn't capable of being responsible of anything. It even took away his dream, our dream of seeing him as a cricketer. And as much as I am glad that he took up the opportunity once again, I just cant shake away the thought that how much uncertain this is."

"Aamina he needs to understand that although its good to follow his dreams, but he is at an age where he needs to start thinking about his future, about settling in his life. This isn't the age where he could just play off his opportunities. The world is a very dangerous place Aamina and I know it better than anyone else. People are waiting at the threshold of his door to grab him by his throat and push him deep inside the earth. I know it. You know it as well and it just pierces my heart when our families look at him as some kind of joke."

"They came to the hospital once or twice, but I have seen him broken, we have watched him going through depression. We were there when he woke up from his horrifying nightmares every single night. They know what my son had gone through to some extent, but still they don't leave even a single chance to degrade him infront of me. And so I don't give them even a single chance to say anything to my son at his face. I don't like it either Aamina, but I just cant give them a gap to fill." His voice cracked a little and Zeeshan felt something wet on his cheeks. He raised his hand and realized that he had been crying all this time.

He walked away with heavy steps, wiping away the last drop of tear that trickled down his face. He didn't have the intention of eavesdropping, but curiosity got the best of him and he couldn't just walk away.

Zeeshan wasn't shocked with all the revelation. He knew that his father loved him and somewhere deep down he also knew that it was totally because of him that his father behaved in such a manner, to make him realize his odd ways of living.

But hearing his father say it, was something else. It led him to ponder over the questions he had been running away from since the last eight years- everything that his father had uttered and was worried about. He felt sad at all the trouble he was giving his parents and blamed himself even more. He had done it eight years back and he was still doing it. Giving a lot of pain to his parents.

The first thing he did upon reaching his room was to make wudu in the attached bathroom. He hadn't prayed Isha yet and all his heart wanted to do was cry in front of Allah and so he did. Raising his hands in the air he made dua to his maker, to Ar-Rahman Ar-Raheem, as tears rolled down his cheeks.

"Ya Rahman, you are Al-Ghafoor Al-Ghaffaar, please forgive me for all my sins, small and the big, first and the last, open and hidden, which I have done knowingly and unknowingly. Ya Allah please make it easy for me and my parents. You are Al-Baseer, you know I never wanted to hurt them, never in my dreams, but they still are, so please forgive me. Ya Allah give me strength to face everything and give my heart peace."

He left the witr to pray along with tahajjud, for he knew he wasn't having any sleep tonight.

As he lay down on the bed, a weird kind of happiness filled his heart and he smiled now knowing that his father wasn't all too upset with him. It was his concern and love and all he wanted was to bring Zeeshan on the straight path.

I have been thinking of shifting the day of the update to Monday, as the weekend mostly takes up my time in some other things. Also, I wont be able to update for quite sometime from now due to some engagements. Assalamualaikum.

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