A Heart's Dedication

Chapter Three

At first, she didn't know how to react. Her brain was wondering so many things. Should she fight or flee? But she was too panicked to make a decision.

Y/N instinctively took a few steps back, and as if magic, that triggered the rest of her body to decide on flight. She practically ran out of the ballroom, whizzing past people at an ungodly speed. The oak doors to get out were heavy, but she threw them open as if they were paper. Bolting up the stairs, she dashed into the room closest to the landing, slamming the white wood door behind her.

Lo and behold, the room Y/N had run into was a bathroom, an unoccupied space with a porcelain tub and tile shower. Making sure to lock the door behind her, the girl sunk to her knees and began sobbing in one big depressive puddle. She had prayed to not meet him here tonight, and yet, it had happened. And here she was, looking like a complete fool on the floor of a giant mansion, hair stuck to her forehead and lashes glued to her eyeballs as the tears kept on coming.

And, before she knew it, the memories she had tried so hard to forget came flooding back.

The first thing she thought of was not Levi, but rather, one who was no longer in the living world. One who had trained her, became her brother from another mother, and had cared for her throughout her entire life. As the tears started to flow even harder, she couldn't help but utter his name.

"Erwin...."

Yes, Erwin. The name was a shallow echo in her throat.

She began to recall things, fractures of her childhood. How Erwin used to tease her for her height, then apologize right after. How he had taught her to balance in her ODM gear by placing pebbles in her boots. How he had always shared his bite-sized bits of philosophy with her, an indicator of the future leader he would become. Even though the two of them had been the same age, it seemed that Erwin was always better at everything than Y/N, but she never once envied him. Instead, she was his biggest supporter, and he was hers. He had been the first one she had met among coming to the Corps. He was the first soldier who had ever given a care about her feelings, not how useful she was in battle. He had nurtured her, built her up for years, made her the person she was.

And he had been taken from her in the blink of an eye.

His death had destroyed Y/N. He was gone, had sacrificed himself to save humanity. Y/N had cursed him at the funeral, one barren of coffin or ashes. Why had he abandoned her? And what for? For humanity, who would forget him in a devastatingly short time. She cried bitter, angry tears, not out of rage, but out of pain and regret. Erwin had always said, "My brave soldiers, offer up your hearts!"

He had kept his word. But at what cost?

The second thing she thought of was the man downstairs, who she had just abandoned in the middle of the ballroom floor. She thought of Levi.

It wasn't every day that you met your first love. 

Even though it seemed so far away, Y/N could recall the day like it was yesterday.

She had been sitting alone in the mess hall during her training years when he had come marching up to her, a slouching, a long-haired midget who simply sat down next to her without a word. That was the event that had started their relationship, something the girl would have laughed at under any other circumstance.

Even though he had been so completely disheveled, from the very beginning, ever since the very first time she had laid eyes on him, she had been in love with Levi. His cold but secretly caring attitude, the way he fought so cutthroat to protect those he loved, and the way he looked at her; it all made her heart skip a beat. Over time, the two became ever closer, became friends, but she had never, not even once, confessed any of her romantic feelings to him. Y/N was too afraid of losing him, so she kept her feelings bottled up inside her chest, a geyser threatening to explode. While originally the two had bonded due to mutual development of respect for Erwin, each other's military positions and their battle skills, eventually, she found herself telling Levi almost everything. He would listen, wouldn't judge, and would comfort her with stories of his own. Every time he lost a comrade in battle, he could always depend on Y/N to stand by him, comfort him, listen to him. They trained, ate, and even sometimes slept together, in each other's arms. Y/N felt complete with him, and had fallen for him completely without telling him the whole truth.

Then, everything had changed two years ago. After the Beast Titan's demolition of Shiganshina.

Y/N had learned a terrible truth all those months ago. During the attack, Levi had been faced with a choice; bring back her brother using the spinal fluid of the Colossal Titan, or don't. Levi had had the choice to not let Y/N's brother die. But no. He chose to bring back a child, Armin Arlett, and had allowed Erwin to pass along without a second thought.

She had lived in denial for the longest time. Of course it wasn't true. How could Levi, dedicated and intelligent and loyal Levi, have left Erwin to die? She only believed the truth when she heard the words escape from his own two lips in the courtroom that day.

She would not forgive him. She would not forget.

Y/N sobbed into the cold tile, thinking about the past and all its terrible glory. Her dress became ruined with salt water, her face a red and blotchy mess. No one knocked, no one came to check on her, but she didn't even mind. It was only until there was a knock on the door that her heart seemed to stop beating.

"...Y/N, I know you're in here. I know I'm the last person you want to see. And I know I don't even deserve to speak to you after what I've done. But please, even though I'm a terrible person... come out..."

The voice had the smallest traces of desperation, of begging, but was met with silence as Y/N leaned her head on the wooden pane. There were a few seconds of silence, then a sigh.

"I understand you're still angry. You have every right to be. But please... let me say one thing.

...I'm sorry."

A/n: Ah yes, angst... my specialty.