Infinity

Through the dark

I sigh and roll over. I watch the wind blow the curtain for a while, lost in a trance and remembering what happened just a few hours previously. Louis had kissed me and as quickly as it had happened it was over. He still has a girlfriend and Harry and i still are having a thing, which i realised was more serious than originally thought when we came home and Harry had kissed me again. I grab my phone off of the nightstand and see i have a message from Louis, lunch tomorrow? Just us two this time - promise. Lou x
I roll my eyes. I need help. It's midnight here so it will be 2am in Africa right now, regardless i dial Riley. He answers on the second ring, "Hey P. You okay?" He sounds awake.
"Hey Ry. Yeah I'm okay. Why you awake?" I ask.
"Oh, i have a poorly giraffe. I'm just keeping an eye on her through the night, glad you rang. The coffee isn't quite having the same effect at keeping me awake now that I'm 10 cups in." He chuckles down the phone and I get a pang of longing for Africa, "Why are you awake? You partying there?" He laughs again.
"I kissed Harry." I say quickly and i hear Riley gasp, "And then i kissed Louis."
"What?!" Riley shouts shocked down the phone, "Shit, its okay girl." I hear him shuffle and then he comes back to the phone this time more quietly, "What do you mean?"
"Well, Louis has a girlfriend."
"But he kissed you?"
"Yeah but she is a complete idiot. Like proper barbie wannabe."
"That doesn't make it okay to cheat on her."
"No, Ry, you haven't seen her."
"Paige, I don't have to. No one deserves to be cheated on." I sigh, he's absolutely right. "It seems like Louis needs to make a decision here and so do you."
"Me? Why do I have to make a decision?"
"Because you kissed Harry, when you left here you told me that you were going home to tell Louis that you love him and want to be with him and I don't know if its because you saw harry and underestimated your feelings for him or if its because of the whole Louis has a girlfriend situation but P you need to decide." I let go of the breath I didn't know that i was holding.
"You're right. Louis asked me to lunch tomorrow, just the two of us."
"Don't go."
"What why?!" I say quickly.
"Because you wont be able to control yourself. I know what you're like," he chuckles.
"You're right. What shall i do?"
"Just text and say you don't think its a good idea."
"But what if i really want to go?"
"P, you know I don't condone cheating. If you go and something happens he's cheating and you're helping him." I sit up in my bed and look out the window onto the empty street below. He's absolutely right, it wouldn't be the kind thing to do, "What about this thing with Harry? Do you still have feelings for him?" I sigh and move so I'm sat crossed legged.
"Yes, i always will. Ive come to terms with that. I think i kissed him because i was shocked and heart broken. I don't want to lead him on though because its not fair."
"You're right, it's not fair. On either of you. Maybe you should just tell him the truth."
"I can't he will hate me."
"He won't, no matter how much you break his heart he wont ever hate you." I sigh down the phone.
"Im not so sure Ry."
"I know it. It's a funny thing loving you Paige Sanderson, no matter what happens, how many times you break a heart - you just can't stop." I laugh awkwardly, "Look, the best thing i can tell you to do is to lay your cards on the table. Let Louis know how you feel too, then he can decide what is the best thing for him to do. Best case scenario he breaks up with that girl and you live happily ever after, worse case he stays with her and you move on."
"Yeah, that's an idea or i can do what i do best..."
"Don't run away P. Not this time!" He laughs.
"Thanks Riley. You always manage to give the best advice."
"Yeah, well that's what I'm here for. We miss you here already by the way. Things are a lot quieter!" I laugh.
"I'll come visit you guys soon."
"Well sort your shit out first!" We both laugh.
"Sure, make sure you look after that giraffe."
"I will, she seems a lot better - i may go get some sleep." He yawns, "Look after yourself P and just be honest."
"Night Ry. Love you." He laughs quietly down the phone.
"Love you too P."

The smell of coffee wakes me as it creeps under my bedroom door and i sit up quickly. My stomach rumbles too and the need for food and coffee overtakes my body. I'm still tired but my mind has calmed down due to the advice that Riley had given me the night before. I throw the duvet off of me, shivering at the coldness in the air as I'm still not used to the London climate. I go to the closet and grab the first hoodie i can see then pull it on as i walk down the stairs to the kitchen. The house doesn't seem as friendly to me in the morning light, instead it's strange and haunting. I tiptoe as to not disturb the spirit of the house and hear faint music coming from the room in front of me. I slowly open the door, quietly, to not disturb whatever is beyond. Fleetwood Mac blasts into my ear drums as i see Harry dancing around the kitchen in his striped pjs. I put my hand to my mouth so I don't laugh and stop him in mid flow but as if he knew he looks right at me and starts to call me towards him, i oblige and he takes my hand. He twirls me around the kitchen two or three times and then we dance together for a while. He smiles down at me, his green eyes sparkling and leans down to kiss me but i move away, "Harry, don't." He lets go of my hand and frowns.
"What's wrong?" He asks confused.
"I haven't been honest with you." I try not to look him in the eyes but he puts his hand under my chin and brings it up to look at him.
"What is it love?" I begin to cry, i feel the salty tears falling down my cheeks steadily.
"I don't want you to hate me..." i say trying not to sob. He hugs me.
"I could never hate you love."
"You will and then i don't know what i will do." I sob erratically.
"P, come on, this is me. I never will." He squeezes me into him and rubs my back with his hand to slow the sobs.
"I'm in love with Louis. Like butterflies in the stomach, stupidly pathetic, follow him round like a puppy love." Harry freezes.
"Oh." He then pulls me closer to him, "I'm not surprised to be honest. When you saw him yesterday, the way you were excited yet awkward." I pull away from him slightly to look up into his eyes.
"So you don't hate me?"
"Of course I don't hate you. It's not your fault that you're in love with Louis. It's mine probably, i pushed you two together. When i saw you guys together at the wedding I kind of knew but i had to throw in my shot, didn't i love?" He smiles down at me, "I mean it sucks, yeah but it is what it is." I nod.
"But he doesn't want me anyway." I wipe down the front of Harry's shirt that is now tear soaked.
"Oh, I don't know about that. He seemed pretty jealous yesterday when he asked if we were together." I nod remember the look on his face and then his unusual order of rum. "Yeah that and him kissing me." Harry pushes me away from him to look down at me better.
"He did what?" His nostrils flare angrily and his jaw tightens but as soon as the look of anger arrives it is gone, "Well there you go then."
"Yeah." I go to speak further about not making him a cheater but Harry speaks first.
"Why don't you come with me to the studio today? I've got some chords but no lyrics. It might clear your mind, even if its just for a few hours." I nod and then remember the text.
"Louis asked me to go to lunch with him." I wrap my arms around myself and look awkwardly at my phone which is placed on the marble counter top. Harry grabs it and hands it to me, "Text him and tell him that you are going to the studio with me to help me with lyrics. You will have to do it another time." I take the phone from him and do exactly what I'm told.

"P!" Mitch grabs me and hugs me tight. I wrap my arms around him too and when he lets me go i hit the front of his baseball hat.
"You okay Mitchell?" I laugh and he nods smiling shyly.
"Hi Paige, its nice to see you." Sarah hugs me and her drumsticks click together behind my head.
"Hi Sarah. H told me you have been working on stuff?"
"Yeah, just cant seem to find the right words to go with it. I'm guessing that's why you've been asked to come here." She laughs.
"Yeah, alright. She's got some emotional stuff going on right now - might give us that edge." Harry says from behind me and i give him a look, "You know what I mean P. Broken hearts fuel songs." He always gets so excited when in the studio. Mitch begins to play next to me and words suddenly come to me so i begin to sing. "It's my fault... I left you. No, do that bit again Mitch." He plays from the beginning, "It's my fault, I went away, even though you asked me to stay, now I'm here asking you for the words to say, I love you..." Harry joins in with his guitar and signals me to keep going, "I'm trying to be your everything, even when..." i carrying on humming, "Cause you're not gonna leave..." more humming, "I can't ask you to do that, it's not fair." everyone stops playing and stare at me. "Well shit." Sarah says breaking the silence, "You really do have some emotional stuff going on." I shrug trying not to look at Harry. "Even when I'm you're nothing, that's the line." He says and i slowly look up at him, "I'm trying to be you're everything, even when I'm you're nothing, cause you're not gonna leave her, I can't ask you to do that, it's not fair." Harry says. Mitch begins to play that section again.
"It's my fault, I went away, even though you asked me to stay, now I'm asking you for the words to say, I love you" I gesture for them to carry on, "I struggle to find the words to say, just how much I need you, maybe the words will come out one day, until then I just have to hide away," Harry raises his eyebrows at me, "It's my fault, I went away, even though you asked me to stay. Then chorus again..." i say moving my finger in a circular motion, "things I'll never say, echoing through my mind... go up a key or two," i point up, "Like how would you look on our wedding day? Dreams that I might not find..." I motion in circular again, "It's my fault, I went away, even when you asked me to stay, now I'm asking you for the words to say, I love you. Asking for the words to say... I love you..." everyone finishes playing.
"Wow." Sarah says breathing out slowly and I feel myself go red.
"Is it okay H?" I ask, feeling slightly embarrassed at my own vulnerability.
"It's perfect," he says smiling wide so it touches his eyes, "but its yours P."