Infinity

Regret

The room is spinning and i feel as if I'm on a boat caught in rough seas. I can't speak properly but with all four of the boys looking at me i manage to get out the words, "Never have I ever..." i look around the room partly trying to stop my vision being blurry but also to look for inspiration. It doesn't help me a lot because its just a basic hotel room. We are staying in this area for a few nights so management thought a hotel would be more comfortable for us all. The boys have joined me for a late night drinking session, "Come on Paige we haven't got all day luv." Louis laughs, he's smile is even bigger when he's drunk and his blue eyes sparkle at me. "Fine." I say annoyed, "Never have I ever broken someones heart." I look straight at Louis who, keeping eye contact, drinks. I roll my eyes at him. "You need to drink too." He says. I shot back the remaining rum and coke mixture in my glass. Before grabbing both bottles and pouring a new one. "Your turn." I raise my eyebrows at Louis. "Never have I ever..." he looks at me and smirks, "had feelings for two people at the same time." I drink.
"Drink up bitch." I say to him too confidently. He looks at me and then nods his head in agreement and drinks.
"Guys, maybe we should think about going to bed?" Liam's voice of reason and he's probably right but its not happening yet.
"No." Louis and I say in unison. I half smile and so does Louis at our in sync reaction.
"Never have i ever..." i begin.
"I'm going to bed." Liam announces.
"Me too." Niall says.
"Okay night." I say not even looking at them. "Never have i ever..."
"I'm tired too P." Harry says and without even looking at him i respond.
"Okay... bye. Night." I can feel him stand up and look at me but i still don't acknowledge him. He sighs and i hear the door close behind him. He slams it almost and it makes me jump. I look up at Louis who is pursing his lips together in an 'oops' way. "He'll be fine." I say.
"Yeah, you're probably right luv." Louis replies. I shake my head and flop back on the bed.
"Eugghh." I shout putting my hand to my head. The world is definitely spinning once more. I feel Louis lie down next to me and when i open my eyes he's next to me on his back looking up at the ceiling. I eye him curiously, his hair is shoulder length now which really suits him and he's wearing an adidas tracksuit and i follow the stripes down his side to his white sock covered feet. My eyes feel funny then and i look back up towards his face, he's still staring up and his blue eyes look slightly hurt. "Never have i ever..." I whisper and he turns to look at me his ocean eyes searching mine, "Been so heartbroken its hard to breathe." He grimaces, i sit up and before i know it I'm on my feet and grabbing my drink and i purposely drink the whole thing. He sits up slowly watching me, he sips at his own drink. "Oh I've got another one!" I say trying to steady my hand while pouring some more rum into my glass. "Never have i ever been with someone just because someone else doesn't want me." I shot the rum and Louis sips again but then frowns up at me.
"Who?" He asks.
"Harry obviously." I say then i put my hand to my head feeling dizzy, i climb back onto the bed next to him but sit up with my back against the headboard and he looks confused. I sigh, "I'm getting with Harry because he wants me when you so obviously don't." I shrug, "At least he wants me. We could be really happy you know! We were happy once before..." i stop talking when i see Louis face looking a mixture of hurt and angry.
"But he left you and don't try to shrug that off P because i know how much that hurt you. You pushed everyone away - you pushed me away." His eyes are back to searching mine. "Yeah it fucking sucked but why should i let the past define my future? Harry and i could be happy." Louis looks down at the bed now, i watch him curiously, "You could be happy with me." He says, barely a whisper and i laugh. He looks up at me confused. "Well that's not happening is it? You don't want me."
"You keep saying that luv but it's not true." He turns his whole body to look at me now and the butterflies in my stomach brush off their dust and begin to flap around again. I look into his deep ocean blue eyes, "I do want you." And he moves closer to me.
"You do?" I whisper and he nods. Before i even realise what's happening, before i can even register what had just been said, we were kissing and my belly was full of all the butterflies in could possibly make. Everything about this felt right but yet underneath all the butterflies there was a pit of gloom and that pit is what made me stop. I move my head to look down at the bed. "I'm sorry." I say, "This is incredible and all I've wanted for so long but its just not fair. You're drunk and so am i. Tomorrow you won't want this." I shake my head and rub my fingers across my lips. "I will definitely want this tomorrow luv, do you know what i mean?" He chuckles.
"Lou..." i begin and as he leans into me one more time i shove him back. He rolls and dramatically falls of the bed. I laugh and he goes to climb back up again, "No, come on i think you need to go and if in the morning you think this is a good idea we will talk." I stand up and walk towards the door - Louis begrudgingly follows me. Before he walks out he kisses me one more time, softly. It's enough for the butterflies to flap around my stomach once more. I push him out of the door and close it, well slam it more like. I stumble back to my bed and collapse onto it. Well this day has been eventful.

The sun kisses my skin as i look out to sea which is calm and peaceful. The beach is deserted like it normally is apart from me but I'm waiting for the others to show up, i know how this goes. "Paige?" That's weird, Lana isn't normally in these kind of dreams, i look at her confused. "It's time, come on." She holds her hand out to me and i take it. She's in a long yellow ball gown with flowers in her long blonde wavy hair, her skin is tanned from the bright sun. She guides me to the end of the pier, she picks something up off of a bench halfway down and hands it to me. Flowers - white roses... my favourite. She smiles at me and I smile back cautiously. We get further down the pier and i make out the shapes of people sat in chairs - I'm even more confused. We get closer and all my friends and family are sat in these chairs then at the end of the rows stands Louis, looking amazing in a black suit with a blue tie that matches his eyes. Everyone else around us disappear, including Lana. All I see is him as i walk towards him, he takes my hand and kisses it. He cant take his eyes off of me, "Paige Sanderson do you take Louis William Tomlinson to be your husband?"
"I do."

I sit bolt upright in my bed which makes my head dizzy. "Woah, you okay?" Harry is stood at the bottom of the bed he has his toothbrush in one hand and a can of deodorant in the other. I realise he's just in his boxers so, for some reason, i look away. "Sorry, a weird dream again." I say quickly still looking away from him. I feel him climb beside me on the bed, "Wanna tell me about it?" He kisses me lightly on the cheek and i climb out of bed. "Not really." I say and he frowns at me.
"Why you being off?" He asks.
"I'm not." I shrug reaching down and looking through my suitcase for some clean clothes.
"What happened last night?" I pause my rummaging and look at him sat in bed with his arms crossed across his chest.
"Nothing."
"You're lying love. I'm still not sure what this is but i thought we could at least be honest and truthful with each other." He tries to avoid my eyes while he's speaking and my heart beats fast, "Paige?" He puts his hand on my back and i sigh heavily.
"Louis and Eliza broke up." I say quietly but i know he heard as he removes his hand from my back.
"Oh." He exhales it. I stand up now and looking up at his face, his brow is furrowed and he's tapping his bottom lip with his manicured finger. He's still in his boxers which makes my heart beat faster but then i get a pang of guilt for the reaction. "Okay. So what does that mean?" He asks. "What?"
"What does it mean for this..." he takes my hand, "Us?" The guilt washes over me and i look up at his green eyes - my own filling with tears.
"You know what it means." I feel a tear fall down my cheek and Harry nods wiping it away.
"But..." he begins and i look up at him.
"H, do you really want someone who is in love with someone else? We knew this might happen one day." I hold my hand up to his cheek and he presses himself into it and closes his eyes. He then brings his hand up and wraps it around mine, "If I'm honest love, I didn't think this was going to happen." He chuckles then kisses my hand, "Whatever you decide you know i will support." He rummages through his suit case and pulls out some jeans and a hoodie. He pulls them both on and then does up his suitcase he stands it up so that he can wheel it out of the room. I stay where i am because i feel so guilty watching him. Just as he gets to the door he turns around, "Just so you know P, i love you and that won't ever change." With my back to him the tears fall freely down my face and i hear the door close softly behind him. When i last felt like this - having to pick between the two of them i told myself i would never do it again and yet here we are. My future with Louis, if there is any, is uncertain as it's almost midday and I haven't seen or spoken to him yet. I knew he would regret everything in the light of day.