It's Complicated COMPLETED

Chapter 20

A/N: Next chapter will be the last!!! Savour it! Instead of doing a second book, I'll just do an epilogue...
Enjoy!!!

I spent the next month in a depression state. I hardly ate, barely slept, and lost all contact to the outside world. Zach and Lindsay were the only ones who knew about what happened. Even at that, it felt like my life was no longer real. I almost was never at school, and when people asked me about it, I would open my mouth to try to explain, hoping to keep it together, but I just teared up and turned away. My mom was always on me, trying to get me to be social, and how "life goes on, and we have to stick together through this".

"WHY WON'T YOU LET ME GRIEVE?!" I remember yelling at her, once.

"Because you aren't grieving, Meghan! You're not the one dead, your father is! Stop acting like all hope is lost! If all hope was lost, we wouldn't be living in this house, eating these meals, or even having this conversation over and over again! I don't understand you. It's like lately, all you've been doing is sulk, and fall into depression like you've fallen into Zach!" I had to stop her.

"Mom, don't bring Zach into this." I didn't even want to talk about him at that moment.

"Meghan, I am not bringing Zach into this. He already is." I froze.

"What? What do you mean?"

"Your dad wanted to tell you that he was--" she took a shuddery breath that sort of scared me. "He was going to tell you that he was okay with you dating Zach. He told me that he chatted with Zach about a week before, and they really bonded."

As if all new, my tears made a reappearance. I tried to regurgitate the words that had fallen back down my throat, but you can't say something if you have nothing. My tears just flowed and flowed, drowning me in my own agony. The pain weighing on my heart just dragged it down so far it might has well just have fallen out. Because I couldn't cough any words out of my mouth because of the giant lump in my throat, I just ran up to my room. And I didn't plan on coming out.

• • • •

It had been six months. Six long months. My depression state was lessening. I had been almost over my father, and I was talking to Zach.

"So how are you doing?" He asked.

"If I hear another person say that one more time I will punch them so hard they won't be able to talk ever again."

He gave me a disturbed look.

"Sorry," I said. "I shouldn't have snapped, it's just that at his funeral--"

"Meghan," he interrupted. "You don't have to apologize. I understand." he put a finger to my lips.

"Um, wrong." I said with a sly smile.

"Huh?" He looked puzzled.

"What's your finger doing there?" I said, and peeled it off.

"Well I just--I--" I shook my head and went up to my tip-toes to kiss him quickly. Teachers at my school weren't exactly tolerant of PDA.

I loved Zach. Lately though, I'd felt sort of wobbly, almost insecure. Like I was losing my balance. I was so scared that I was falling out of love; and he didn't even do anything to make me feel that way. Every night I would think about him like I didn't know what to do, but then when I saw him the next day, the feelings subsided. It was almost like the opposite of 'liking the thought of someone more than you like their presence'. I had no idea what to do, or how to fix it. Whenever I tried to tell Zach about it, I'd just chicken out and say something dumb, like "I'm hungry", until finally, I worked up the nerve. It was after school, and we decided to spend the rest of the day at his place.

"Zach," I started. "Can I tell you something?" Here we go. I seriously hope he doesn't freak out.

"Sure, Meg. What's on your mind?" I went and joined him on the couch.

"Well, I've been feeling kind of, um, kind of unsure about...about..."

"About what, Meghan?" He said softly.

"About us--you. About you." I exclaimed quietly.

"What about me?" Zach asked.

"Actually, not you. More like me. I'm unsure about me. I don't know if I love you as much as I want to."

Zach looked defeated, like he let me down...like it was his fault I was feeling that way.

"No, don't look like that." Another familiar lump formed in my throat. "Zach, please don't."

"No no. I understand. If you don't want to be with me, no one's forcing you."

"Zach, it isn't like that! I just don't know how to say this!" I began to panic. I wasn't trying to break up with him, I just was confused.

"No, I get it. I'm not holding you back. We can just see other people, if that's what you want." Zach's voice was cracking.

"No, Zach! That isn't what I'm saying! I'm just trying to explain!" By that time, I was watching him leave through the door of his own house, and I was just sitting there awkwardly. I thought I was going to cry again. Instead, I just got really angry. I hadn't any idea why, but my fists were clenched, and my face was red. Knowing that I couldn't just sit there, fuming in his living room, I stood up and left.

To my surprise, there was Zach, sitting on his porch with his head cradled in his hands.

"Zach, please just listen."

All at once, he stood up, gave me a kiss and said "Goodbye, Meghan." and he was gone. Just running away from me. Stood on his doorstep, dumbfounded. It took me a minute to process what just happened.

Did Zach just leave me? That was really dramatic. Oh my gosh. I can't do this. I can't go without him.

It was while he was gone, that I loved him most. Some girls just want what they can't have.

• • • •
Three days passed before Zach talked to me again. Apology was the hardest thing to start, but I had no other choice. I knew that I couldn't live without him, especially not with the way it ended.

"Zach, I'm begging you, talk to me."

We were in the library, everyone studying for finals.

Zach just kept emptily flipping the pages of his textbook. I was persistent, and I kept asking him to talk to me.

"Meghan. I thought you were done with me." I was surprised that my nagging worked.

"No no no no no, I'm not even close to done. I love you Zach, I was just in a really difficult place, and I'm sorry about the way I was trying to speak to you. I never meant to hurt you. I just didn't know what else I could do. I was confused and I'm not anymore. Now I know that I love you, because those three days were the worst my life. Honestly, I really don't know how I went without you, before."

There was a long pause of silence, and I was hoping that my apology was enough to make him see that I didn't want him badly. I needed him.

"Meghan, there is nothing I want more than to be with you, but--"

"Really?" I was excited.

"BUT if you keep doubting what you feel for me, then I don't know how--"

"Zach, it was a one time thing, I promise. How much longer are you going to make me beg?" Realizing that I was getting louder, I quieted down, before I could get in trouble. "Zach, you know that I need you. Why are you being like this?"

"Meghan, I'm sorry. I was out of line. I should've listened to you. It's just that, I was so scared that you were going to end it, I decided to do you the favour of doing it for you." Before I could say anything, he continued. "Come over at, like, nine. I want to show you something."

"Okay." I said with a smile.