Chasing You (Terrell Clarricoates Fan Fiction)

Chapter 37

Terrell's POV

I stand in front of the mirror, my shaky hands trying to button my shirt. I quickly wipe my cheeks as tears fall from my eyes. I glance at the clock. In one hour I will be lowering my wife into the ground.

I cough as a lump rises in my throat. I can't break in front of Maria. Not today. I just have to keep reminding myself that when I lay alone in bed tonight, then I can cry. I can scream and beg god to take me instead.

I stand back and look at my miserable self. I take a deep breath. My eyes scan over my black suit. Caroline would've been complaining about the absence of a tie. She loved the way I looked in ties.

"Only for you Caroline," I speak out loud in my empty bedroom as I walk over and pull open my top drawer. I sift through a hand full of ties to find a black one, when a white envelope sits waiting to be found. I lift it slowly out of the drawer as I see my name written perfect in Caroline's penmanship.

I stare blankly at the sealed envelope as I sit on the edge of the bed. I peel the slit open and find a hand written letter. I don't try to swallow the lump in my throat as I read.

Dear Terrell,

     You once wrote me a letter. That was the first time you said that you loved me. I realized that I had never written you one. A letter is the perfect way to say my last final words to you.

     If you're reading this, then it means I didn't make it home. I knew walking into that building, that I might not make it back out. I made this decision because I love you and our daughter so much. I would do anything to keep you both safe. It wasn't a tough decision to die, it was easy when I knew who I'd be saving.

Don't ever wonder if I'm with you. Don't ever wish that I was able to see your wins. I already know you'll do great things. I am okay with my impending death and I hope you will be as well. It will be okay to mourn and miss me but I would rather you focus on the wonderful experiences we had when I was here as opposed to dwelling on the fact that I am no longer with you. I love you with every ounce of my being and you have made my life an amazing journey. I thank you for the love and affection you showed me. It's what kept me going many times when I didn't want to.

     I had a rough upcoming in life. You saved me Terrell. I was on the verge of death everyday until I saw you walk into that stupid party. I knew you were trouble. I was ready to die, I hated life. You made me want to live again and for that I will always be thankful. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have been able to experience a love so great and motherhood so precious. You're an amazing father and I'm so grateful that I was able to witness it. I'm sorry I had to leave you, but I will always be with you at heart.

                                            I love you always,
                                           Caroline Clarricoates

I stare at her beautiful words. My heart breaks as I would do anything, anything just to hear her voice again, or touch her flawless skin. This was never the plan, to fall in love. Something about Caroline, her passion, fire, stubbornness, all of it made me fall deeply in love with her even when I tried so hard not to.

"Are you ready Dad?" Maria's voice appears from the doorway.

"Yeah, I'm ready."