Sweet Night (18+) || kth ||

Chapter 19

I stood before her niche, unmoving. Unfeeling. Even after the five years, I still feel the numbing pain of losing her. The glass door was locked, but the flowers inside were fresh. The urn was dust-free, so was her baby picture. Mom, I thought. She must have asked for a copy of the key because I took the original with me. It comforts me a little that at least she's taking care of Sunny's remains but angers me that Sunny had to die before Mom got it through her head to take care of her daughter.

The days following Sunny's death were the darkest. I didn't know what to do, or how to do things. I didn't know what to feel or how to react. I just wanted to curl up and die as well. I couldn't function properly, my mind all over the place. Days after she was interred, I could still see her everywhere I look. Our house was filled with the presence of Sunny, like remains of the sun's rays after it sets. I kept on expecting her to pop out from behind doors, to tap me on the shoulder, to hear her call to me. Outside, I am reminded of the places where we used to go. The convenience store where we would buy our dinner (the kind ahjumma came to her wake, but I didn't remember any of that; it was Mom who told me), the foot bridge where I first begged for money and where we later on spent afternoons sharing a popsicle, the park where I'd take Sunny out on warm summer afternoons so that we can play on the swing. Mom and I fought over her stuff. Mom wanted to pack them all away. I felt scandalized. Did she think that Sunny was just a visitor who left her things here?

I took to sleeping with Summer, her doll. I kept on taking out her clothes from the closet and sniffing them, remembering the way they fit her, the way she would always fold them lovingly after drying them out in the sun. Sunny loved clothes and dreamed of becoming a fashion designer. Until the day she died, I wasn't even able to buy her those designer jeans she'd always wanted. I kept on making her favorite dish then just stare at them. I wouldn't let Mom eat them either, because they were Sunny's meal, not hers. I missed her. I missed her so bad. I still do, but at least now, I've learned to live with the pain. But back then, I was a complete mess.

I wanted to see her one last time, to hold her tight and tell her just how much I love her. Just how much she means to me. After all, she wasn't just my little sister. She was my life. More than someone I had to keep alive, she was the reason I got up every morning. She was the reason why I survived Dad leaving us. I burdened myself with taking care of her because if I didn't, then I would have died long ago from loneliness. I wanted to correct the wrongs I did, to unsay the words I said to her the last time we saw each other.

If I had known that would be the last time we'll see each other, I would never have let her go. I would have kept her at home, safe by my side. Instead, we fought, and we said mean things to each other. I was frustrated at her for not seeing the value of focusing on her education. If she's able to graduate with a degree, then she wouldn't have to be like me. She'd be able to land a decent job and earn enough money to buy her all the pretty things she wanted. Why did she have to take on a job? Why did she have to tire herself out like that? I could provide for us. I've always had. Why couldn't she just do the thing I'm asking her to do? Was it that hard? Couldn't she see that she would be helping me out more by doing as I told her instead of going on her own way? I called her an "ungrateful bitch". And to this day, I will forever hate myself for saying those things to her. Imagine, the last thing you said to your sister before she died was that she was an ungrateful bitch.

But just like always, just like how I've always done, I pointed the blame on someone else. And this time, to Mom and Kim Taehyung. They took her from me. They caused Sunny's death. They're the one's to blame, more than the bastard who ran over her. If Mom hadn't been addicted to gambling, if Mom hadn't just gotten herself into another debt, if Taehyung hadn't butt in, if Taehyung had only stopped meeting with Sunny, then she would still be alive. If only they didn't exist in our lives, then Sunny would still be here with me.