Sweet Night (18+) || kth ||

Chapter 21

I didn't have anywhere else to go. That small apartment, despite the horrible experiences I had there, was the only home I ever knew. So, that was where I returned to. Mom was overjoyed when I arrived at our doorstep that day. I left her in surprise, I came back in surprise. She clung to me so tight I couldn't breathe. She was just that overjoyed. Overjoyed that finally, after so many years of waiting, someone came back to her. At the moment, it surprised me just how lonely she must have been like. Always being left behind, waiting uncertainly for the people she loved to come back. First, it was Dad. Then, Sunny. Then, me. I think part of her expected that she wouldn't see me ever again. Thus, her reaction when she did.

Mom told me that she quit gambling for real after Sunny's death. Back then, I didn't believe her. Nay, I was too angry to even listen to her. I wanted to ask her, why quit now? What's so important about Sunny that you have to stop gambling just because she died? I guess I always assumed that she'll just go back after a spell. But she didn't. She went to rehab and she proudly showed me her blue chip. She hadn't been to a gambling den, even a lotto ticket stand, in the five years I was gone. I sent her money every now and then, the money I got from Purple Entertainment, but she keeps on saying that she doesn't need that. She's saving it up for me instead because I insisted on sending them anyway. Rather, her rehab got her a job as a clerk at an apparel store. Now, she was a regular there. She showed me her own passbook where she saved her salary, and the passbook where she saved the money I sent her.

She looked younger, cleaner, better. Even the house looked amazing. It was still small, but tidy. I never really had time to clean up back then. But now, everything was in its place. I looked at my mother and for the first time in what felt like forever, I saw a mother in her. And I was proud of her, really, I was. It's just that some instincts are hard to get rid of. After all, evolution took forever to hone out certain instincts. So, I still held back. I couldn't reach out to her the way she wanted me to. And a part of me still blamed her for Sunny's death. The resentment was still there, and it only deepened when I learned that she was still (also) in communication with Kim Taehyung.

I felt the same frustration boil to the top again. Like mother, like daughter. Why? Why do they keep going back to him? Why is he still a part of our lives? Can't we just move on? I know I'm a hypocrite when I say this. After all, I still have feelings for him. But I'm the woman who slept with him. I'm the one who shared a year's worth of nights with him. Not Sunny, not Mom. I feel as though I'm entitled to remember the guy, but them? They got nothing tying them to Taehyung! Or for that matter, why was he even answering their calls in the first place? From the way things are going for that guy, everything's great. His stint in the military didn't even make a dint in his fame. There's even a rumor now that he's dating one of the actresses. So, what does he get from being in touch with my family?

Just goes to show how selfish I was. I was so focused on my own problems that I didn't see the one thing connecting Sunny, Mom and Taehyung: me. Because I was so focused on myself, I didn't see just how much Sunny's death meant to them as well. I got so caught up on my own despair, I was arrogant enough to believe that the world revolved around me only. That this loss was my loss. Not theirs, not anyone else's. It didn't occur to me that Mom just lost a daughter. That Taehyung just lost a friend. I wish I'd seen it all earlier. At least, I wouldn't have subjected my mother to more pain.

But I didn't. To be fair, endless dreams of Sunny didn't help me either. I miss her every single day and there were nights when I still wake up crying because she's gone. Having no choice but to share a room, Mom knows about those nights. And she wanted to comfort me, she just didn't know how. Nor would I let her.

I started getting my papers right and getting my license in Korea. After that, I was officially unemployed, and I had to go about looking for a job. Considering that that's what I've been doing for most of my life, I found it strange that I had to fight for every vacancy I saw. How come there are no requirements for a convenience store clerk, but so much trials in place for a certified computer engineer? Yeah, the jobs are different in depth but back then, I didn't even need to have a degree in anything to get a job. I just have to show up and I was hired on the spot. Now, I was armed to the teeth with my diploma and license, but I still got rejected a couple of times before someone deemed me worthy enough to be hired.