dear diary

code red

(TW self hate and mention of anxiety attack)
(Patton pov)
The car ride home was quiet, I didnt know what was happening and frankly I did not feel like I needed this. Suddenly all my feelings flushed over me. Everything I was trying so hard to hold in and hide was desperately trying to get out.
I needed something, something just to get everything out. Or just away.
If I tell logan everything he will be so disappointed. And hes gonna leave me.
Just like everyone else did.

The tears started slowly forming in my eyes as I looked out the window.

Hes gonna leave you.
All of them are gonna leave you.
You are just hurting them.
Just keep it in.
You are so damn pathetic.
You dont deserve them.
The voices got louder and louder to the point where I didnt even hear the car stopping and Logan starting to speak with me.
"Patton" hes gonna leave you
"Patton?" He probably hates you
"PATTON?" you are so pathetic for believing anyone loves you.
"PATTON HART" he doesn't even-
"Pat?"
The voices suddenly stop as I look at the very worried logan in the driver's seat.
"Pat we are home now." He says quietly.
"oh." Was everything I could get out.
"Wanna go in?" He says, the same quiet tone as before.
"yeah sure."

When we finally got inside I started to walk up the stairs towards my room when logan softly grabbed my hand.
I turned around and looked at him, his eyes only showed worry and it took him a moment to finally speak.
"Would you like to watch a movie with me patton?"
"no. I'd like to be alone." What am I saying.
Why did you say that.
Hes obviously gonna understand
something is wrong.
How stupid are you.
You absolute pathetic-
"Let me rephrase that, we are gonna watch a movie together" he says and looks at me.
"If you tell me why we are at home" I say and look at my best friend. Is he my best friend? Is he anything more? I'd like him to be more but I dont know. Does he want to be anything more?
Why would he want that.
"You see pat"

(Roman pov)
"Wanna go outside for a bit?" I say as virgil is grabbing his stuff after class.
"Yeah sure" he says and smiles.
That smile made my knees weak and I felt like i was gonna melt into a puddle right then and there.

"Its rather pretty here" he says as he lays down on his back looking at the sky.
We were sitting on the grass hill me and the other usually went to on breaks.
*buzz buzz* "that's yours" he says and hands me my phone he had in his pocket.
*buzz buzz*
He sits up and looks at the phone.
*buzz buzz* *buzz buzz*
"Someone really wants you something" he says and chuckles.
(This is how text messages looks)
Nerd: roman I'd need some assistance
Nerd: Roman this is important
Nerd: please message back as fast as possible
Nerd: ROMAN
Nerd: I know you arent in class I know your schedule
Me: what's up nerd?
Nerd: I'd need some assistance with Patton.
Me: what's up 😏😏
Nerd: he's had a anxiety attack and is currently sleeping but I am not sure how to deal with this kind of things.
Me: WHAT
Me: WHERE ARE YOU!?
Nerd: no need to "freak out" roman, we are at home in our shared apartment.
Nerd: please help me out..
Me: me and virgil are on our way!
Nerd: thank you.

"We need to hurry"
I say as I stand up and start walking down the hill
"What?? what happened??"
Virgil says as he runs after me.
"Code red"
"Huh?"
"Patton had a anxiety attack we need to help logan"
"Ok, I know everything about that" virgil says as he starts running.
I decided to ask about that some other time.

(A/N so yeah, hi. Idk what to write here but like
Stay safe and drink water byee)