"I don't have any plans to attend the derbie tournament. I won't go to Mexico"
I gritted my teeth as I said those words to my father. Huminga siya ng malalim at humigop sa kape niyang nakapatong sa railings ng balkonahe. We're both watching the vast farm where the roosters and the hanging bridge at the end.
Pumikit ako ng mariin at gustong magmura hanggang sa mawala ang lahat ng bigat.
"You waited that for seven years and you'll just say you don't want?" He said as he glanced at me.
Derbie tournament will be held in Mexico. Yeah I fuckingly waited seven years for that. So what anyway.
"Have you talked to her?" Lalo lang dumilim ang mga mata ko.
"After what I did? I don't think so" napailing ako at napayuko.
I'm really disappointed for what I did to her. That's a disgrace for her family, kaya naiintindihan ko kung bakit ayaw ng pamilya niya na makausap ko siya.
Knowing the Salvacions...
Ngayon pa lang malamang iniisip nila kung paano mawawala ang kahihiyan. Kahit anong gawin ko hindi ko rin alam kung anong tama. What I did to them is fucking unforgivable. Sa tuwing naiisip ko ang nagawa ko gusto kong sapakin ang sarili ko. I wanted to explain. I wanted to talk to her. I wanted her to know that I didn't do that intentionally. But her words keeps stinging in my mind.
'Y-you didn't do it intentionally?...Do you expect me to believe that...how can you be so cruel like this...'
Pinilig ko ang iniisip, hindi ko kayang maalala ang itsura niya nung mga panahong iyon. She was a cold hurted woman on that day. With her tears falling uncontrollably and looking at me in pain. It makes me feel so worthless. But damn it! I did the most worst thing I never imagine I can do! Pero wala, nangyari na ang nangyari.
"Until now, you can't tell the reason why you did that. I'm really disappointed to you regarding on that" my father said. Iiling iling pa na halata ang pagkadismaya.
I deserve all the hate. Kung anong gusto niyang gawin sa'kin hindi ko siya pipigilan. I deserve it and she doesn't deserve what I did.
"Hindi mo alam kung anong epekto ng bagay na ginawa mo sa kaniya anak. Never did I imagine na gagawin mo iyan sa kahit na kanino"
Dagdag niya at tuluyan na akong iniwan dahil sa pagkadismaya sa akin. Kahit ganon nakuha niya pa ring ipaalala sa akin ang derbie tournament. Ang kapal naman ng mukha ko kung pupunta ako doon at iiwan ang gulong ginawa ko.
Pero sa ngayon, hindi ko alam kung gugustuhin niyang makita ako. Yesterday was my recent attempt to see and talk to her. But her grandfather was fuming mad na hindi ko na inasahan pang magiging maayos ang tungo nila sa akin. Inutusan ko ang isa sa tauhan ko na magbantay sa mansiyon nila at sabihin kung ano man ang balita sa kaniya.
"Pasensiya na Sir! Hindi pa po namin siya nakikitang lumabas..."
I hanged up the phone when I called one of our men. It's been three weeks since that day. Nag-aalala na ako kung anong nangyayari sa kaniya. I was banned at their place. Kahit ang impluwensiya ng pamilya ay hindi nakatulong sa nangyari. Hindi ko na rin inasahan dahil sigurado ako kung gaano kalaki ang naging epekto ko sa kaniya at sa pamilya niya.
Damn it! If I am just able to turn back time I probably did it by now.
Lumabas ako ng kuwarto at naabutan ang kapatid kong kumakausap sa iba pang tauhan namin. It's been one year and a half and he's still doing the same thing one year ago. Nilampasan ko siya at tumuloy sa nakagarahe kong rubicon na hanggang ngayon ay nasa labas pa rin ng malaking tarangkahan. Napasulyap ako sa rebulto na nasa harapan ng mansiyon namin at nakita roon ang nakaukit.
I stopped and caressed it. The letters were intiricated to the worst way of writing but I love it.
