We Were Only Kids// McFly (Wonderland)

Sell My Soul To The Devil

September 30, 2005

This is bad. This is so, so, so bad.

Last night, after Lilly caught Liam cheating on her, she came here and then...

Things happened. Between us.

IN THE BAND HOUSE WHILE EVERYONE ELSE WAS HERE! AND I WAS COMPLETELY SOBER! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

I mean, it wasn't bad. It was actually good. Great, even. But If anyone finds out I'll be dead. Absolutely dead.

I cannot believe this happened.

No, it was nothing. Nothing happened, Dougie.

And the worst part is, I thought maybe it would happen and I'd get over it. Get over all of it. Lilly and my crush and everything. But that did not happen.

Of course not. Why would it ever be so easy?

But last night, when everything went wrong, she came to me. I mean, granted, she came to me to get her key after locking herself out, but she stayed with me. And she initiated everything. So...so.

So maybe it isn't nothing?

Maybe...maybe it's time for me to step up. I'm almost 18. An adult! I can't be a scared kid forever. Maybe it's time to say screw the rules and take matters into my own hands.

No one follows the rules anyway. All the other guys have girls over all the time when we aren't supposed to! And sure, it's a little different in this case, but I'm not interested in just having a fling with Lilly. My feelings are serious. I want to be with her.

So I'll tell her. I'll tell her and we'll go from there. Together.

I hear footsteps coming down the steps.

Please be her, please be her.

It is. She's wearing the clothes I gave her last night, and her hair is disheveled and a bit static. Her cheeks are pink from the warmth of the blankets and the sunlight coming through the kitchen windows makes her hair look gold and her eyes look like the ocean. Her arms are wrapped around herself and her brow is furrowed slightly. She walks right up to me, sighing, and I take a step closer to her.

Here we go.

"You don't have to worry," I say. "None of them are awake."

"Dougie I-" She starts. I can tell she's worried.

"Lilly, it's fine." I shake my head. It's fine because I care about you.

"No...it's not." She says. Wait, what? "I don't want you to be my rebound."

Oh...so...I read this wrong.

I thought she came here and was with me because she had a realization about her feelings for me...not because she needed a rebound.

Well...yeah. Yeah...I should have seen that. I mean, obviously, she doesn't like me like that.

I just need to make her feel better right now. Her heart has been much more broken than mine.

"I-I'm okay with it." I shrug and I feel my throat burn. I am okay with this. "Do you know how many times I've used girls because I was upset or something?" I am okay with this.

"That doesn't mean it should happen to you." She says, shaking her head.

"At least it was with you and not some random girl." I smile.

"Dougie..." Lilly says, still looking just as troubled. "I'm your manager."

Yes, you are my manager. You're my manager and you're the girl that I invited to movie night, and you're the girl who I showed my lizards to, and you're the girl I let hide in my room on New Years, and you're the girl that I wrote a song for, and you're the girl I'm in love with.

I am okay with this.

"Yeah?" I ask. "So? I thought we were just planning of never speaking of this again." Because now I don't want to. I want to pretend none of this happened and that Lilly never came here last night and she had never lost her key.

"Well...I..." She starts, looking at the ground and shrugging.

God, can this be over already?

"Listen, Lil," I say. Let this end. "Last night? I got laid by some random bird...no clue who...I was too drunk to care. You and me? We're best friends...client and manager. That's all we'll ever be." My throat feels like I've just swallowed hot coals and the back of my eyes start burning.

I am okay with this.

She puts her hand on my cheek and smiles sadly.

You have to stop or I'm never going to get over you.

"Are you okay?" She asks quietly.

"Are you?" I ask, laughing lightly, because as okay as I may not be, I know she's been through more in the past few hours. "Jeez, Lil! You're the one that got cheated on."

"Liam is the least of my concerns anymore." She says, shaking her head and moving away from me. My cheek automatically feels colder. "I'm much too busy for a boyfriend anyway." She laughs, but I can tell she's still angry. 

I am okay with this.

"Don't worry about it. Don't worry about him. Don't worry about me." I say the last part faster than the rest and I hope she doesn't notice. I smile at her and she nods.

 I am okay with this.

I will learn to be okay with this.

I'll live like this.

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