We Were Only Kids// McFly (Wonderland)

Please, Please, Please

February 23, 2008

   My head hurts. Usually, my head doesn't start to hurt until I wake up after drinking, but right now it hurts. I'm not even sure why, or what I drank, but it started to hurt, and it was almost intolerable. I came home in a cab.

Something's changed in me. Ever since we all got to Australia, I have this feeling that sits so far back in my chest, it almost feels like it's lodged in my back. It's sharp and cutting, and it feels like something I've never felt before but what I can only relate to as something close to doom. Not like 'I'm gonna die' doom, like 'I'm not going to make it through today without breaking down'. And I have to go out for a drink at the end of the day because I hope that if I get drunk enough, I won't feel that way when I wake up in the morning. I'll be too preoccupied with my headache to think of anything else. But so far, it hasn't worked. So far, the order of things I think of when I wake up is 'existential doom' and then 'raging headache'.

But I suppose I'm insane because I keep trying again and again when it clearly doesn't work.

I barely have time to process what's happening when I walk inside before Lilly is walking up to me with medicine and a glass of water.

I take them and thank my stars that the lights aren't on. My headache hurts behind my eyes. I just want to go to bed.

"Thanks." I say to her. I lean in to give her a kiss on the cheek before I head off to bed, but she moves away from me.  "What's wrong?" She looks back over at me.

"I think we need to break up." She says quietly.

"Lilly...what are you talking about? Why would you say that?" I'm so confused. We made up the other night after our fight about what happened backstage. I thought things were going well...is this a joke?

"Why did you stand me up for our date the other night?" She asks, and I have no idea what she's talking about. Is it because of the alcohol?

"What are you talking about?" I ask. I know she might be angry that I don't know, but if she means- no. I can't think like that. I just have to know.

"We said we would go to that little restaurant after climbing the Harbor Bridge?" She asks. Crap. "We made reservations...where were you?"

"I...I guess...I forgot." God, I sound like such an asshole. But it's true! Harry and I went out and...I don't remember a lot from that night. "But if that's what this is about I can just-"

"Where were you tonight?" She interrupts.

"I went to-" Where did I go? What was the name of it again? "...some bar after the studio and then a club."

"Yeah." She says. "You weren't at Dinner with Tom and Gi and me, like we planned."

Oh, God. Dinner was tonight. Was it really tonight?

"I-" What do I say? What can I say? "I'm sorry. I've been forgetful, but... I'll make it up to you! When we go home-"

"It's worse at home." She practically whispers, shaking her head. "You're never around, Dougie. You're just not around. And I'm not going to be the one to hold you back...but...you can't expect me to sit at home, disappointed."

I can't believe this has happened. I did this.

"I love you." I say, and I can see my vision start to blur. I don't want to do this. Cry like a victim. But I can't let this happen. She runs her hand over my cheek and it feels cold. That makes me feel like I'm going to cry even more because she's so cold and I let that happen.

"And I love you too." She says, and I feel the smallest bit of hope. "Even...if you don't believe it right now." I do. "That's why this sucks." Then let's not break up! "But...it's just not right."

"What about our house? And Flea?" I ask.

"We'll talk about it later." She says quietly.

'Well...where are you going to sleep?" Please don't leave me alone. I can't be alone right now. She takes her hand off my cheek.

"You need to go to bed. You need sleep. I'll find a place." She says and takes a step away. But I can't move. I can't go. I can't leave her. I can't have her leave me.

But I can tell she wants me to go. No, she needs me to. And I feel sick as she steps forward and kisses my cheek for the last time.

I turn and walk to the bedroom, feeling like I'm giving up on her. But I know it's what she wants. I think back to times in the band house when I did anything and everything for her, and I think about how angry that Dougie would be at this one.

I get into my room, shut the door behind me, and fall into bed without even changing when I instantly get a knock at my door.

Please be you. Please be you.

"Dougie?" It's Tom. "Can I come in?"

"Yeah." I call, frantically wiping my nose with the back of my hand and sitting up. My head spins from sitting up too quickly and I have to remind myself I'm full to the brim with alcohol. I lean against the wall for support. 

He pushes the door open and closes it behind him ever so gently, leaving us in the dark.

"How did it go?" He asks. Of course, he knows, he went to dinner. I shake my head. "Is she really angry?"

"She dumped me." I say quietly. The invisible elastic band that feels like it's wrapped around my chest just got tighter.

"Dougie," Tom says, sitting on the bed. "I am...so...sorry." I shake my head.

"It's my fault." I say quietly. Not because I don't want anyone else to hear, but because I don't want to hear myself say it.

"Maybe it just...wasn't meant to be." He says, in a similar quiet tone. But it was. I know it was.

 My eyes begin to adjust to the dark and I can just start to see the features of his face. He looks, in the purest form of the word, sad.

What am I going to do? 

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